To Purple

Dearest Purple,
U say I dont support.
U say that was NOT a small thing.
U keep reminding yourself of the painful past

How much do you know people around you have suffered emotionally?
How much do you know what happened to you, also had a GREAT impact on others?
How much do you know how hard is it for us here to move on, juggling the life without you, while you say we dont care at all? while you say you have the right to be depressed?
How much do you know, beside the thing you are going through that have nothing to be done anymore, we also have to deal with lotsa changes but trying to be strong physically?

You say I dont care.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I brush off our memories when we went grocery shopping nowadays.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I was only silent when preparing meals.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why terrorist came down to accompany me, while was preparing meals, avoiding the memories of you here.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I have problem falling asleep.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I stressed up until my biological activity is disturbed.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I still smiles and tell others you are all alrite though tears in heart shedded.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I lost my drive to work for activities.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason I never take this as a funeral of the future, but a funeral of the painful past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we all here was trying to avoid any topic that reminds you with us.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we still smile to go on, and hope you can do the same, hoping everyday that we will never lose YOU.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we never try to evoke any topic that may remind you of the past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we keep the sorrow while being tough for you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why always wanna make sure you are the "old" you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we were trying so hard to ensure you there will be NOTHING to change during this time.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we pray everynite that you can be yourselves and smile is always on your face, while taking this obstacle as a jumping stone for better future.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, we dont care.

And thanks for reminding me and us, that we never support you.
But thanks again for giving us such lovely memories.
And thanks again for losing yourself to show defeat to this obstacle you have to go through, while we DONT CARE.
Thanks so much to tell us that you willing to give up to depression, and we dont care. Thanks.

My candle is dimming..

Recently, ive been telling myself so many times to forget the past, and to walk on the life with more courage and bravery. Been telling myself again and again. Just too many times.

From losing Archie, to losing my best pal to UK, and now losing my younger sister for her own good as well as losing close friendship, all these piled up to me at a go.

I tried telling myself that letting go might be the best way in order to move further. But is it true?

Losing Archie, changed me alot. From one that believes in true love, to one that doubts the feeling of herself towards others as well as not looking forward to anymore relationship.

Losing best pal to UK, made me felt lonelier at times. Felt scared too, cos afraid that distance and time will change the relationship but was again reassured by her that it will NEVER change. But how long does this assurance gonna last?

Losing younger sister for her own good. Meaning, Ive to sleep alone for the few months, although I know is not as painful as the pain she had gone through, but I am again, afraid of loneliness.

Losing close friends, which now is a total stranger to me. But gaining friends. Will these new friendship patch up the hole made by the ex close friends? Which one hurt more?

I admit. I am never good at handling separation. I admit that i will not put everything to myself because I surely am not that strong to hold the tears again and again.

When will be the time when I can finally have a shoulder to lean on? Someone to remind me again and again that there is nothing matters except me? Someone that I can really put my burden on? Someone that do not let me go through separation again?

Maybe, I was being strong enough for someone else. For how much longer I can brush all these negative thinking and tears away and be strong for everyone, including myself? For how much longer Ive to bear all these? For how long can I still shine this small candle of mine in the dark?

Have you ever...

Have you ever felt that the world stop turning for you anymore?
Have you ever felt, you are just nobody to everybody?
Have you ever felt, the future of yours is no longer in your hands?
Have you ever felt, you are just alone to deal with everything?
Have you ever felt, you just dunno who to turn to?
Have you ever felt helpless and useless?
Have you ever felt so empty and blank?
Have you ever felt is all over and no more turning back?
Have you ever felt, there is no longer hope?

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When those feeling come by, how do u deal with it? Who would you turn to? Do they helped?

Im just so blank although I know nothing I can do, except pray and not to think anymore...

A month to remember

25 May 2009 - 20 June 2009 is the date where im attached to a pharmaceutical fact. This is it!



Bangi


By the name of the attachment,
"P-h-a-r-m-a-c-e-u-t-i-c-a-l a-t-t-a-c-h-m-e-n-t" = BORING

Well, well.. what did I get for this whole month?

From pharmaniaga:
Dari mana? Training ke? IMU? Mana tu? IMU = International Manchester United? Berapa lama kat sini? berapa lama lagi belajar? Mau tanya apa ya? Apa binatang yang paling kurang ajar? Apa bunga yang paling kat dunia ni? Ada pak we ke? Tak ada? Jangan tipu tau, tak baik menipu. Ada hati kat saya ke? Boleh saya datang meminang kat sabah? berapalah hantaran yang kamu mau? kenapa tak boleh dengan saya? Bila balik sabah lagi? boleh ajak keluar ke? Apa perasan kamu hari terakhir di sini? Sukakah di sini? Kenapa suka kat sini? Rindukah aku lepas ni? Aku rindu kamu boleh tak? Kenapa tak boleh?

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U all must be thinking im trying to brag here. but was true. U may think I flirt, but I swear I dint. All I did was being helpful in their work by reducing their OT as well as their income (Cos no OT income). Anywork from carrying pails of IPA and pellet to folding packaging boxes, I done all!!! It was damn fun! Lol~ Maybe what Mr Hiam said is true that they like ah moi. Whatever is the reason, they are really good friends of mine.

Through this attachment, beside getting all those jokes from them, building friendship as well as helping them to convey they frust to higher authorities as well as getting all I have learnt in pharmaceutics into life, this attachment had taught me alot about life.

Operators are considered the least level of people in a manufacturing company. Everyone take least attention on them, taking them as labourers only. But i tell u what, they are the engines of the company, and they know more than the executives! They are just the best people in these attachment.

From being an acquaintance only, to telling me secrets that no one else in the company knew (from their private business to their relationship problem). Cant guess they would tell me le... Must be thinking I was a kepoci le.. But surprisingly, they open up to me, and told me and tell and discuss their concern with me. To tell u the truth, some of them are VERY ambitious which they make BIG BUCK$ outside this confined compound. We even talked about religion, a sensitive issue in a peaceful environment beside understanding their work, and the machines :)

Im blessed with a great supervisor (better than Lauren's supervisor that makes u wanna burn her office down!) and mixed with people that are themselves. From them, u learn what true human being should be behaving. U know what is the difference of urban M and rural M. Thanks to UiTM students. They showed their colours. They only are great boaster and bragger. I really really PEKCHEK with THEM!

That is when I need this, which I have consumed a day after being Pekchek-ed by the UiTM students. I think I had a few cups of it.

40% ethanol + Sprite

So, here, I just wanna wish all my production mates (the operators - Pak Yah, Ahzam, Nasa, Zaidin, Nizam, Rizal, Padzil, Amran, Nordin, Mohd., Jai, Zul, Kak Yan, Kak Suzana, Kak Asmah En. Badrul, En. Amzan, Kak Yani, Liza, Kak Nurul, Mas, Kak finaz, Kak Ida, Kak Lin, Kak Zaiton, En. Kamal, Kak Wati, Kak Ida, Kak Ina, Kak Ani and ALL OTHERS!) all the very very best to you all and Project 55 oh :wink. Ill miss u all, starting now already. I have really enjoyed u all.

To UiTM students, please... DIE AWAY!~ The further the better.

P/S: Thanks Kak Zaitun, u open up my mind abit about life being single, and being married.

A nite to remember..I finally met him!

13 June is an ordinary date cos there is yet no friends that are celebrating their brithday on this date, yet 13 June 2009 is a day that ill NEVER forget in my whole life! Because... I met him.. Yet, he made me cry in public.

I and popo were bored staying at home, and finally we made our decision to follow purple to Fish Leong's concert. 2 weeks ago, I was told that my idol, Michael Wong was invited as a guest for Fish's concert. I am fond of Malaysian singers, yet, ehehe... im "kiam" enough to take out money to buy Fish's tickets. Yet, Im michael's fan. When I knew that Michael is invited, I have a flash of urge to get a ticket, but somehow, I dint..cos i gave myself a reason that it is not Michael's concert.

We went there an hour earlier. Is lucky enough that the concert is at Putra stadium and not Merdeka stadium. Thus, we can just walk our way there. I and popo decided if we cant hear or see the concert ouside the stadium, we will just walk home. We just take it as an exercise.

Fish's fans were asked to dress in blue, while me and popo coincidently dressed in red. And when we were asked why we are in red, we answer: we came for Michael! Wuahahaha...

Purple and the rest went into the stadium, just in time. I and popo on the other hand, try to get the best place to see if we can peep into the stadium. Doors locked, guards at every exit, every windows are so well protected and noise proof. Arghhh....

Anyhow, we walk and walked, i gulped down 2 ice-creams, finally, found the best spot! Is a place where guards see the concert through a tv, and can hear Fish sing her fabulous songs! We are different from the guards, cos we are 3 feet away from him. He is inside the stadium, while we watched from outside. Lucky enough also that a few windows are not strongly locked there. So, we watched from the tinted glass panes and try to catch as much as we can to hear Fish's voice.

We were sitting there for 1.5 hours before popo decide to try out luck waiting for people that wanna leave the concert earlier. And guess wat, I tell you guys... U should ALWAYS bring popo to a concert especially you dint buy the tickets. Why? Cos she dare to ask from every people that come out from the exit door! And we actually got a ticket worth RM158 from a mother-son couple! The concert only started 1.5hours out of 4 hours concert!

When we went in... the sitting was so great! We were sitted in the middle, 2 rows from the front of the upper seats!

However, the time that I longed for tonight, really come true in front of my eyes! Michael came out the stage and sang "zhang xin" with Fish. Michael was is Red pants and black t-shirts! So tally with how I wore ah..red t-shirt with black pants! *drool and drool* *more drools*

Michael sang his new cantonese song and was only supposed to sang those 2 songs. But yet, this what wat he said that made my tears fell:

"I was supposed to sing the 2 songs only. Yet, the head of galaxy, ARCHIE, told me that everyone hopes to hear me sing FAIRYTALE tonight. I never expect that this song has changes many people including me and my love ones when I was writting the song. And everyone, FAIRYTALE".

*tears fell*

This 2 words just ring my head bell of my Archie. Fairytale album was my first gift from Archie.

Fairytale, is a song that I never dare to listen or sing in K-box. But tonight, with my idol, Michael, the words Archie and Fairytale. I sang it with tears, never ceased from the very first note to the last clapping from the audience.

Why when i wanted to walk away from the past, yet, after a few months, the feeling of falling into the pit come back again? Why was i reminded of him when I just wanna stop remembering him? Why when i get reminded, I just keep thinking is a hint or something from God, asking me not to forget him?

Im troubled.. Dear God, please hear my prayers.