Im tired.

Im just tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of guessing.

What have i done wrong all these while that i have go through all this game of guessing and waiting.

When i have waited 6 years after a 4 years guessing, is the time again to go through this whole round of process when i wanted to give up looking for a person that could understands me and accept who i am.

When i want to close the door of my heart, came a person that makes the heart beeps harder so that it wont die. But why after the beeps, the G & W game comes again?

Was it hard for them to just cruelly cuts me off, or was it me that cannot accept the way they juggle the game?

When i decided i dont want to hear from him anymore, there he goes, calling me up. That gave me a hope that calls are coming in again. After awhile of silence, when i wanna walk away, come again with him, doing something small yet pretty sweet for me. Maybe it was me that think of the deed was sweet?

Is it so hard to make it clear? Is it so hard to give me away but you just cant open your mouth for me to stay? There is not perfection in relationship, and im just tired of the game. I really wish to walk away. Should i?

It is just simple as A B C,

Is,

I Miss Him.

Everyone needs a knock at times..

Is just amazing how friends can affect you.

Tonight, i felt extremely missing the time we had. So, i went out with a bunch of friends to play card games. When i sat at the table, it just flashed back the last time i was at this same restaurant, almost a year ago, with you. Having the same dessert, at the table in which last year, my hometown friends were questioning me about you, because they caught me going out alone with you.

I was trying hard to have some interest in the game, but yet, i felt so stupid cos i really felt irritated cos i keep asking friend again and again: What is this card for, why like this, why like that. Just felt am such a nuisance. I really pity that friend of mine, Superman.

However, Green page me at my phone when the game is almost done. Named her green, im sure she understood why i named her so. I met green unintentionally, and to be frank, it was a miracle & unexpected that i and her can grow such deep friendship. No one would guess that we both could be so great friends because all we had in common, was just another friend that used to be her housemate. I wouldnt have guessed that I will have an international friend, especially someone this close and dear to heart. To make it more beautiful, the last time I we had met, perhaps is at least 2-3 years ago! And we kept in touch, really once awhile, but we both knew each other will be backing each other up when we needed each other.

Green had a relationship that really NO ONE would ever think it will end that way. Green's story is almost like my past story. In short, a relationship were just a tool for both of us to grow, a relationship that we both had spent so much time grieving and hoping the man will return, a relationship that we both wanted it to work so much, a relationship that made us blank for quite sometime, a relationship that makes us cry first thing in the morning and the last thing before we slept, a relationship that made us felt we are so hypocrite being a happy bunny at daylight but when moon comes and alone, is totally a different personality, a relationship we had fought hard to make it work, to make it sustain, and to change the fact that he was gone. However, this PAST relationship, had just bear one great fruit, making us stronger and happier as we walked out of the shadow

Green and I havent been talking since 2 months ago, my birthday. It was our common friend birthday soon and she was asking me the exact date. We started to chat. Green read my blog. And we started to chat again.

2 months ago, green was negative. At some point, i was worrying if she can walk out of the misery like I did. I was worrying if she have a friend sitting by her, saying nothing, and when leaving, both feel is the greatest conversation.

Green surprise me when she was giving me strength to go on.

God is always here. He can give you everything, so as He can take it from you everything and anytime. We can plan, we can try and we can hope, but we can never go against God's will. Everything happens for a reason. We might not see for the time being, but absolutely, God is providing us ONLY THE BEST for us.

Both Green and I might not have a good past relationship, we asked God "Why me? Why so? and What have I done wrong to deserve this?". But now, we see the past relationship as a tool for us to grow and absolutely, not the right man after all. Cos we still deserve ONLY THE BEST.

To be honest, yes, I do miss Vince alot. Is hard to let go. I dont want to loose hope.. Maybe im not brave enough to let him go afterall. But one thing im sure after my conversation with Green, is not the RIGHT TIME and NOTHING can SURE. Why should we worry on things that is UNCERTAIN? Isnt it a waste of time? Isnt it making us miserable?

So, seize the time. God always answer prayers, just that maybe not at the time we expected. So, wait patiently. So, when you see the opportunity, dont waste it anymore (sillyly hoping september provides an opportunity.

Tonight too, i hope i had made superman remind himself what i remind myself today. Seize the opportunity. Believe in God. and God answers.

Thank you Green for reminding me how great is thou art. Thank you green for all the reminders. Thank you Green for the sharing. You definitely be in my prayer list. Love you, Green. God bless you abundantly too. God will lead us a way He wants us to be :D

New, is it good?

I finally got what i wanted, STORE!

Is a place that think i dont have to entertain the impatient patients, dont have to stand almost 3-5hours/day to dispense, to query doctor on small matters (that only show how ignorant are them to me), dont have to deal with patients that treats you worst than a maid.

Store, is a place, in my mind, have my own table, dont have to melayan kerenah patients that really blows my mood away, almost everyday. I might need to deal with subordinates that will still have politics between them (but which department doesnt have?), talking with doctors that might loose their temper (is big doctors le! At least, i hope am going to learn from them instead being a teacher to them, in which, sometimes, fear that my answers will kill the patient instead. Besides, if i were not going to be government's servant, store is a better place to build my network plus polishing some management skills, if i were to be in the same field as i am now.

Is almost 3 weeks since you left. Sitting on the chair you once sat, i wonder why i used to picture store is such a busy place. So much to answer, query from nurses why this is not here, why is not given all, and all kinds of blame for not able to supply according to their wish (Hey! Who is looking after your account now? If you dont know how much you have spent, SHUT UP or SPEAK UP and ask for more budget la!). I do not know the flow of work yet. Im so passive, and these make me felt so stupid, getting paid for enlarging my butt spontaneously. Not forgetting, my tummy is getting some "isi" too.. arghhh.... But when i was packing your table, i saw something that is kinda amusing for me, a gift from your admirer to you! Ahahahahhaa... instantly, i just felt blessed. Why? because U may seemed to others you are interested in her, but actually, it was just all for fun. When I think of the days and time spent with you, i just felt you are so real to me. So true to me.

When ppl throw me question, and I have no idea why, i really felt lost. Is even worst, when you ask people that is more experience than you are in store, the answer they gave was: Now, your boss is not here, you make decision how la since the stock not tally. (I was not even in store when the problem occurs!). But luckily, after i show some frustration with that answer, someone turn up and helped. Damn lucky. Yet, i still feel stupid because i need my subordinates to teach me how to solve problem. Adui...

But all of them gave me the same comment. You and me are really alike. Now, is that a compliment or otherwise? Tell you something that draws a smile to my boring day today, someone said we are perfectly match :P Now, is that a good comment too?

Mistake

1st of May. Is a date where many things that impacted my life happened.

1st May 1955. My daddy's birthday.
1st May 1997. My first P day.
1st may 2005. My first heart-broken day because of that not-so-worth-afterall, Archie
1st May 2012. Second heart breaking day of my life, for someone that i think worth a lifetime, Vince.

Having him left after our last encounter together was crying together, i started the day yesterday with breakie with my Sandakan Family. Went to Aunty's shop so that to ignore WORK and dinner with Sandakan Family before heading to Balin, the place where we spent the last night together this time with vince, in the same piece of dress.

Wanting to recall the last night together, i would say, a long lost true friend (means we seldom contact but do appreciate each other), Which i Rmb gave him a name (i blogged bout him previous, but couldnt remember what name ive given).. erm.. let's name him, Mr. Incredible (something we have in common). He shared with me a silly small mistake he made, that almost instantly, he come back to his senses doing the right thing. Somehow, the silly mistake he made, do make me wonder, "Does the same thing actually happen to me, and i become ignorant about it?"

Everyone made mistake. Some say mistake just show how foolish you were that time. Some say mistake kills. Some say mistake improves self. In short, it meant something to anyone.

Mr Incredible was pretty happy after the chat (hope he does, not to just make me fill "hey, im not that bad afterall!") but instantly turned abit wishy washy when i bombarded him with questions, which in the end, no definite conclusion is made.

Yes, Ive made a mistake on why I did not took the courage on that spot, but instead let senses made me regret afterwards? In the end, the conclusion we made, probably it wasnt the best thing would happen later, but , on that particular spot, if you have taken the courage to do what you feel makes you happier, perhaps, you wont be sulking now because of regreting it.

Maybe all these while with Vince, i was all covered up with senses, wasnt daring enough like i used to be. Probably im afraid ill be hurt again or fear i might hurt Vince on the other hand if i have been too persuasive, more to like a puppy begging for bones.

Perhaps, is time to really do something without caring much what happens in the end.

And maybe, that will give more colours to my life after loosing one great colour now?

God answered my prayer tonight...

My cousin used to tell me that Android's weather forecast is kinda accurate. Predicted tonight will have crazy thunderstorm.

But tonight, was my last day seeing him, and we just dont know when i will have this chance to go out with him, like tonight, sitting at high benches, looking out to the dark sea with minimum lights, with some jazz music and no conversation. I really have enjoyed the time.

Is even lovelier when i get to get what i wanted from him, a BIG hug, just the two of us. Hugged. Cried. Wished. And kissed on forehead and cheek. It was never so comforting. It is really comforting to get what i wanted, and also to be in his hug, honestly. All his words for me, until now, is still ringing by my ears. It was just awesome that moment. But still, we just afraid to go on further.

Maybe both also fear that we might give each other hope that pulls each other from progressing, because both were uncertain of the future. Dare not to give any empty promises.

I can only say, I will truly miss all the time when you turn up for every mess that i am in, and also be there when i really needed someone to stand strong for me. I really hope time had not ticked off that fast..

Tonight was simply a night to remember personally...Im gonna miss you hard enough, Vince...

I Pray...

I Pray that tonight will be a good night, no rain please... I really need tonight to say the last goodbye. Please God, hear my prayer..

Not anyone

Not anyone can help me out from feeling this bad now. Not even a clown. Was expecting a last meet up with you only tonight, but turned out that you have misunderstood, that most probably the whole gang is coming. Im not blaming you, because is true that this is the last weekend for you at this place this time. It just came to my mind, am I really the one who had over-thought you have feelings for me, or were you afraid that I might broke down in front of you again, or it really doesn't matter to meet or not to meet me up personally before you left? I just can't describe my feelings now.. I just can't. Not even a piece of tiramisu can sooth the feeling of losing you.. Im lost again.

Is the same feeling again...

I remember, i told you " Dont look back" when you told me how hard it is to make such decision. To be frank, when you said that you felt heavy hearted to leave, there are so much thing left behind that meant so much for you, i almost wanted to drop my tears again, remembering how painful it is to me as well.

I regreted. I really regreted telling you not to look back. Simply because i wanted you to be happier to leave here, but i regreted not telling you, i simply will wait upon that day that we both dont have to face separation again. I dont want you to forget what we had, i dont want you to forget what we had felt, most importantly, i dont want you to forget me, on how much i had loved you, which now, im afaid to owe it up to you.

Im afraid, if i ever owe it up to you now, you will have rejected it again, because to you, i know, ur mindset is still thinking IMPOSSIBLE, geometrically and physically. But i hope you know the thing that i fell in love with, is YOU, is not your physical or what you had done, is simply all of you as a person.

Dont ask me why have i love you, because my answer is still the same, there is no reason for it. It is simply how i felt when i met you.

Dont tell me: common girl, i cannot be the one you hope for. But have you asked me what was i actually searching all these while in guys? Do you really understand what I need, and NOT what GIRLS need?

What should i do? How should i get a win-win situation here? What should i do so that you and I can be happy? Can you please let me know?

Is the same feeling again...

I never would have think ive to write into this blog again, exactly how it feels a few years back, exactly the same feeling when i have to sort of breakup with my first sweetheart. Basically, i would have to admit, perhaps, i have fallen in love with this guy, though at times, i pretty bengang with him, and now, i realised, i do have a strong feeling for him afterall, Vince.

I used to think i have to babysit him, but afterall, i realised perhaps, me myself have to be babysat by him too. I used to think im strong enough to tell everyone that IM PERFECTLY FINE without him, but during the past 2 months, and with him giving me such a shock and fright yesterday, I would say, afterall that had happened, the one that stays in my heart, was still him.

He broke me a news yesterday, which really have torn me into pieces though i kinda expected it before he drop the bombshell. He has to leave this place, to go back home for people that needed him most currently.

I never ever blamed him for the decision he made, because i understood the responsibility of a child, it is not simply childish or being parents' pet, it is just the thing to do to be filial, especially as the eldest son. To be honest, if i were to be in his shoes, i would have to do the same decision.

The problem is because i was a girl, that fell in love with a guy, that both parties, maybe both, refuse to admit it. I totally went blank with my future, and totally went lost. I know miracles might happen that one fine day, things might go what i wanted to be, but based on past experience, miracles (except my sickness at chilbirth), miracles never happened to me. And because of that, i chose not to believe in miracles, but to stand up strong for myself in every way.

The thing i wanted was not him telling me what i wanted to hear, because i know egoness + senses, would have tell him or me, this is not the right time. But i felt, both of us had a feeling, we really dont want to loose this but afraid that the counterpart would have give in without ourselves knowing it. All i wanted, is not to be distanced from him.

Friendship, i believe is also made in heaven because not ALL people you can be real, can show who you are, and be who you are, and most importantly, comfortable in his presence.

I really hated how this feel, and to be honest, i would say, i have fallen in love again, and fear how it will end based on how it is now.

Will he be brave enough to forget the past, and give some hope that distance does not matter at all? Will he be brave enough to know that im not that strong afterall? Will he be brave enough to know that i doesnt need much attention as other girls might need? In short, will he be brave enough to admit he still have feelings for me?

Is just 14 days left. 1st night gone with cries into bed. Tonight, it will be the same. Im in love. Im scared. Im blank. and i just dont know how to make myself better...

Do you know?

Do you know that the people who are usually the strongest are usually also the most sensitive?

Do you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to be mistreated?

Do you know that the one who takes care of others all the time is usually the one who needs care the most?

Do you know that the three hardest things to say are: I love you, I’m sorry, and Help me?

Random acts of kindness mean more than you will ever be able to comprehend.

Is time really heals or time actually make u ignorant?

Often, people mention time heals. In relationship and in every not-so-happy events in life. But does that really how it works?

Recently, i couldnt lie to myself that clock is ticking. I know that marriage is not a MUST thing in life, but somehow, being single at this century, at this age, the only questioned that popped into my mind was "Is there something wrong with me, that make men left?"

Im not trying to be desperate here.

Looking at myself, i really wonder where it goes wrong? My looks? The dress i wore? or to make it hurts, was it because I HAVE A PROBLEM getting along with guys?

To come to think again, I do have a lot of good guy friends and i am getting more guy friends nowadays. Is not Im the one looking for them, mind you, is just that,every guy, i take them as a friend, like a girl friend.

Some you know, u can open up to them. Some you know, 5 mins facing them is already too long.

Recently, came 2 guys in my mind. One was the one i had a crush on, and he knew it, and he beats around the bush and finally, time made me Care-less of him. Is not that i dont hope for miracles to happen, to hope for the time we spent together like we had before, is just that, am really tired to baby sit a guy anymore. All i can hope for is a good ending, for both of us, regardless how it ends.

2nd guy was a guy that i would say i have missed. Started as a friend, progress as a hi-bye friend, then, a friend that i have learn something from him: How should a girl be treated. Is just that, it was the time that i realise, these are what i am looking for in a guy, Miss Understanding, came along, and somehow affected the friendship, Again, i told myself, if it is belongs to you, he will come back again. IF.

It is really true that " People that love us, we hurt them. People that we love, hurt us".

Does time really heals? Or we were wasting alot of time picking up stones instead and left the diamonds out along the way?