God answered my prayer tonight...

My cousin used to tell me that Android's weather forecast is kinda accurate. Predicted tonight will have crazy thunderstorm.

But tonight, was my last day seeing him, and we just dont know when i will have this chance to go out with him, like tonight, sitting at high benches, looking out to the dark sea with minimum lights, with some jazz music and no conversation. I really have enjoyed the time.

Is even lovelier when i get to get what i wanted from him, a BIG hug, just the two of us. Hugged. Cried. Wished. And kissed on forehead and cheek. It was never so comforting. It is really comforting to get what i wanted, and also to be in his hug, honestly. All his words for me, until now, is still ringing by my ears. It was just awesome that moment. But still, we just afraid to go on further.

Maybe both also fear that we might give each other hope that pulls each other from progressing, because both were uncertain of the future. Dare not to give any empty promises.

I can only say, I will truly miss all the time when you turn up for every mess that i am in, and also be there when i really needed someone to stand strong for me. I really hope time had not ticked off that fast..

Tonight was simply a night to remember personally...Im gonna miss you hard enough, Vince...

I Pray...

I Pray that tonight will be a good night, no rain please... I really need tonight to say the last goodbye. Please God, hear my prayer..

Not anyone

Not anyone can help me out from feeling this bad now. Not even a clown. Was expecting a last meet up with you only tonight, but turned out that you have misunderstood, that most probably the whole gang is coming. Im not blaming you, because is true that this is the last weekend for you at this place this time. It just came to my mind, am I really the one who had over-thought you have feelings for me, or were you afraid that I might broke down in front of you again, or it really doesn't matter to meet or not to meet me up personally before you left? I just can't describe my feelings now.. I just can't. Not even a piece of tiramisu can sooth the feeling of losing you.. Im lost again.

Is the same feeling again...

I remember, i told you " Dont look back" when you told me how hard it is to make such decision. To be frank, when you said that you felt heavy hearted to leave, there are so much thing left behind that meant so much for you, i almost wanted to drop my tears again, remembering how painful it is to me as well.

I regreted. I really regreted telling you not to look back. Simply because i wanted you to be happier to leave here, but i regreted not telling you, i simply will wait upon that day that we both dont have to face separation again. I dont want you to forget what we had, i dont want you to forget what we had felt, most importantly, i dont want you to forget me, on how much i had loved you, which now, im afaid to owe it up to you.

Im afraid, if i ever owe it up to you now, you will have rejected it again, because to you, i know, ur mindset is still thinking IMPOSSIBLE, geometrically and physically. But i hope you know the thing that i fell in love with, is YOU, is not your physical or what you had done, is simply all of you as a person.

Dont ask me why have i love you, because my answer is still the same, there is no reason for it. It is simply how i felt when i met you.

Dont tell me: common girl, i cannot be the one you hope for. But have you asked me what was i actually searching all these while in guys? Do you really understand what I need, and NOT what GIRLS need?

What should i do? How should i get a win-win situation here? What should i do so that you and I can be happy? Can you please let me know?

Is the same feeling again...

I never would have think ive to write into this blog again, exactly how it feels a few years back, exactly the same feeling when i have to sort of breakup with my first sweetheart. Basically, i would have to admit, perhaps, i have fallen in love with this guy, though at times, i pretty bengang with him, and now, i realised, i do have a strong feeling for him afterall, Vince.

I used to think i have to babysit him, but afterall, i realised perhaps, me myself have to be babysat by him too. I used to think im strong enough to tell everyone that IM PERFECTLY FINE without him, but during the past 2 months, and with him giving me such a shock and fright yesterday, I would say, afterall that had happened, the one that stays in my heart, was still him.

He broke me a news yesterday, which really have torn me into pieces though i kinda expected it before he drop the bombshell. He has to leave this place, to go back home for people that needed him most currently.

I never ever blamed him for the decision he made, because i understood the responsibility of a child, it is not simply childish or being parents' pet, it is just the thing to do to be filial, especially as the eldest son. To be honest, if i were to be in his shoes, i would have to do the same decision.

The problem is because i was a girl, that fell in love with a guy, that both parties, maybe both, refuse to admit it. I totally went blank with my future, and totally went lost. I know miracles might happen that one fine day, things might go what i wanted to be, but based on past experience, miracles (except my sickness at chilbirth), miracles never happened to me. And because of that, i chose not to believe in miracles, but to stand up strong for myself in every way.

The thing i wanted was not him telling me what i wanted to hear, because i know egoness + senses, would have tell him or me, this is not the right time. But i felt, both of us had a feeling, we really dont want to loose this but afraid that the counterpart would have give in without ourselves knowing it. All i wanted, is not to be distanced from him.

Friendship, i believe is also made in heaven because not ALL people you can be real, can show who you are, and be who you are, and most importantly, comfortable in his presence.

I really hated how this feel, and to be honest, i would say, i have fallen in love again, and fear how it will end based on how it is now.

Will he be brave enough to forget the past, and give some hope that distance does not matter at all? Will he be brave enough to know that im not that strong afterall? Will he be brave enough to know that i doesnt need much attention as other girls might need? In short, will he be brave enough to admit he still have feelings for me?

Is just 14 days left. 1st night gone with cries into bed. Tonight, it will be the same. Im in love. Im scared. Im blank. and i just dont know how to make myself better...