I wish upon the christmas star...

I hopefully wish upon the christmas star that what I am missing all these while will come true. Yet, I know is impossible. But dear God, lead me out. Ive been consciously and continuously have him on my mind.

Shaking my head.

Currently attached in KK with a bunch of batchmates. I was hoping that this attachment gonna be enjoyable, no princess-like attitude, no aunty-ahsam atiitude, no boasting, but one whole gang that can chit and chat like old friends.

Again, I was wrong. It was indeed a huge difference between friends you make in Form 6 for 2 years and also Uni frens that you know them for 4 years. Huge difference. Sometime, they even made me felt that friends that were studying in public university is totally different on private university friends. They differ in thinking, talking and socialising.

Tonight, yes, im simply annoyed. Not by anyone. Just by the topic "relationship". I just dont understand why my uni friends thinks that relationship topic is so interesting? For me, is just a news. Not more than that. But for my uni friends, especially those just started new, in public, people around them also get excited {duh.... u guys are not his/her parents}, and friendship change [which until now I have no idea why friendship will change when my uni friends got together that they even dont talk to me anymore. Well, i couldnt care much. It was them who chose to give me up].

Oh why do we have to end up talking this topic everytime we have outing together? And to be frank, i dont like certain part of the conversation.

I dont like someone to show off that he is more powerful than the girlfriend. "The most important thing that I will NEVER EVER show my gf is my laptop and handphone. Miss A, when do you want to give me your porn? I have set a password to prevent my gf from seeing the content of my handphone and laptop. This is my first love and is hers too.blah blah blah"

Walao! I cant even imagine he say that. If you guys know him, I bet you'll be sure he was just simply boasting. U keep mentioning how sweet u both together, how trustable to each other. So, cut the crap. I bet your gf only simply say wanna see, ull let her see lo. So, dont talk so loud. U really irritate me.

I just dont understand why everytime also need to talk about relationship. It should be a friends' outing, and i dont mind if u bring it up at the right time, but... is just too much. Just tell me, an outing of all 7 of us, "relationship" is never a topic. And that is why when they start talking, ill keep quiet. For me, their way of seeing "love" is really different from me.

"Woman will SACRIFICE more in a marriage" - Shut up. If you think you sacrifice, then, dont get married. You get married, is just simply you cant live without the other. Is not a MUST you must marry him for the sake of sacrifice.

"For me to marry him, he MUST have a diamond ring for proposal" - I understand that is once in your life time to get married [which everyone hopes so], but imagine, if your partner cant fulfil that, but need to sell all he has to get you the ring, would you still want to marry a man with a ring, and then, nothing left behind or with a ring which has no diamond, but he is always there for u after marriage? Is a diamond ring so importamt that you'll jeopardise the man you love? Yes.. Is always good to hope, but dont put too much pressure to your partner. What if he tells you, to fit into the ring, you can only marry me when your weight is 40kg? You have your hope on him, so as him. Spare yourselves =)

I also dont like my batchmates to do match making. Well, is ok if you know that both have feelings. The problem is, you only know that one has feelings, but you never know that because of you "hoping" the two will get together, give the other pressure. Im happy that you care. But sometimes, love that blooms itself is the best. Moreover, whether they can be together or not, is non of our business. That's why I was so rude to you that day.

I am a type that I will be happy for people that get along together, and happy. All I want to know is you both are happy and that's all. I dont think I wanna know the whole story of your love life. Keep it to yourself. Dont boast on your new relationship. Is just too early to say anything. Moreover, time is not a factor in relationship.

I can only say, well, maybe not all, but a few, have totally different looking on relationship. Relationship comes in 2 ways, and not 100 ways. You dont have to let others affect you. You dont have to discuss with people that have never ever met your partner. And marriage build on materials, I wish you all good luck. For me, the feeling of LOVE matters most, because with LOVE, both of you will figure out how to make things go right, and that's it.

Dont complicate life too much since is so complicated already.

I dont know what im doing

His image keep prompting into my brain.
How I wish I could take things back in time.
oh God, please let me be clear.

Christmas wish 2009

It just happened again, just that im not fortunate enough to make it happen again.
So close yet so far, that is the best phrase to describe it.

I NEVER ever thought of meeting him again after that night meeting him up. Never. Especially when im doing an attachment in somewhere he used to be, but no longer here anymore.

I never thought of meeting him or even hear that he is in town. But it did happened. Sustagen saw him. And Sustagen told me to let me prepare myself if I happen to meet him.

No doubt, I did try to bump into him. Try so hard, maybe that suddenly I start to question myself on how much Ive let go. Did I let go? Do I still love him?
I was never intended to be in PLACE A tonight. I was expected to have a german meal with a group of newly made friends in PLACE K. From the names, you can see how these 2 places are apart from each other. Then, Appeton, our loyal “driver” cum walking dictionary, told us that he was tired. So, we decide to eat around our home, PLACE Z. But things complicate again.

Our promised 24-hour of activated internet, never came to us. Done everything. I was even lazy to call the dealer again, until Appeton came to us in nerves! He is blacklisted. He was so so so nervous that we have to calm him down. Because of that call, I have to make another call, which in the end, I have to go to PLACE A again, rejecting the invitation to PLACE K.

Went to PLACE A. Settle things when I have to call sustagen. Sustagen, directly told me that she just met him in front of her and told me to be ready to might meet him. I start to look around. I start to hope, to see him again. From Sustagen, the girl she described was not her. Is the news that he broke up was true?

I don’t like this at all. Dilemma. See him. Not to see him. Wanted to see him. Fear to see him.

Why do I care?

Why do I hope to see him when I know he is around?

Why do I still can pick myself up again and ready to fall for someone else again?

Why do I still felt so much when I knew he was no longer the person I knew?

Why when im leaving this world of his, things make me think is possisble? With the help of God…

Why am I tortured like this?

I just don’t want to think anymore. I just want to totally leave it to God. TOTALLY.
God, I sincerely pray.

Please grant this Christmas wish. Ive been a good girl all year long.