Christmas wish 2009

It just happened again, just that im not fortunate enough to make it happen again.
So close yet so far, that is the best phrase to describe it.

I NEVER ever thought of meeting him again after that night meeting him up. Never. Especially when im doing an attachment in somewhere he used to be, but no longer here anymore.

I never thought of meeting him or even hear that he is in town. But it did happened. Sustagen saw him. And Sustagen told me to let me prepare myself if I happen to meet him.

No doubt, I did try to bump into him. Try so hard, maybe that suddenly I start to question myself on how much Ive let go. Did I let go? Do I still love him?
I was never intended to be in PLACE A tonight. I was expected to have a german meal with a group of newly made friends in PLACE K. From the names, you can see how these 2 places are apart from each other. Then, Appeton, our loyal “driver” cum walking dictionary, told us that he was tired. So, we decide to eat around our home, PLACE Z. But things complicate again.

Our promised 24-hour of activated internet, never came to us. Done everything. I was even lazy to call the dealer again, until Appeton came to us in nerves! He is blacklisted. He was so so so nervous that we have to calm him down. Because of that call, I have to make another call, which in the end, I have to go to PLACE A again, rejecting the invitation to PLACE K.

Went to PLACE A. Settle things when I have to call sustagen. Sustagen, directly told me that she just met him in front of her and told me to be ready to might meet him. I start to look around. I start to hope, to see him again. From Sustagen, the girl she described was not her. Is the news that he broke up was true?

I don’t like this at all. Dilemma. See him. Not to see him. Wanted to see him. Fear to see him.

Why do I care?

Why do I hope to see him when I know he is around?

Why do I still can pick myself up again and ready to fall for someone else again?

Why do I still felt so much when I knew he was no longer the person I knew?

Why when im leaving this world of his, things make me think is possisble? With the help of God…

Why am I tortured like this?

I just don’t want to think anymore. I just want to totally leave it to God. TOTALLY.
God, I sincerely pray.

Please grant this Christmas wish. Ive been a good girl all year long.