really blank

What do I think now?
I have no idea.
For 2 weeks already since I slept deeply.
I havent been sleeping well these few days, on'ing my drama's 24 hours/day, sampai computer also show blue screne!

I know I have to be strong to counter all those negative feelings inside me.
From dunno how to start my 2-weeks oral presentation, to eating at very odd hours while grumbling bout my weight that terrifies operators in Pharmaniaga,
From getting money for my convo mag to an activity that I wanna make it happen,
From being clear with what I have to do to know what I wanna blog,
I think.... I have no idea what im blogging now.
Just because Im B-L-A-N-K now.

I just dunno what my heart wanna say and do.
All I want to do is sleep.
And eat.
And crap.

I know there are more people out there, which are more in need than I do,
But I dunno where my strength and drive to work.

People say Im strong. People say I should fear of nothing.
Wuahahahahahaha.... What a joke. I wonder what makes them think so.
A strong person is always an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's the reason why they say im strong?

To Purple

Dearest Purple,
U say I dont support.
U say that was NOT a small thing.
U keep reminding yourself of the painful past

How much do you know people around you have suffered emotionally?
How much do you know what happened to you, also had a GREAT impact on others?
How much do you know how hard is it for us here to move on, juggling the life without you, while you say we dont care at all? while you say you have the right to be depressed?
How much do you know, beside the thing you are going through that have nothing to be done anymore, we also have to deal with lotsa changes but trying to be strong physically?

You say I dont care.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I brush off our memories when we went grocery shopping nowadays.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I was only silent when preparing meals.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why terrorist came down to accompany me, while was preparing meals, avoiding the memories of you here.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I have problem falling asleep.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I stressed up until my biological activity is disturbed.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I still smiles and tell others you are all alrite though tears in heart shedded.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I lost my drive to work for activities.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason I never take this as a funeral of the future, but a funeral of the painful past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we all here was trying to avoid any topic that reminds you with us.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we still smile to go on, and hope you can do the same, hoping everyday that we will never lose YOU.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we never try to evoke any topic that may remind you of the past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we keep the sorrow while being tough for you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why always wanna make sure you are the "old" you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we were trying so hard to ensure you there will be NOTHING to change during this time.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we pray everynite that you can be yourselves and smile is always on your face, while taking this obstacle as a jumping stone for better future.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, we dont care.

And thanks for reminding me and us, that we never support you.
But thanks again for giving us such lovely memories.
And thanks again for losing yourself to show defeat to this obstacle you have to go through, while we DONT CARE.
Thanks so much to tell us that you willing to give up to depression, and we dont care. Thanks.

My candle is dimming..

Recently, ive been telling myself so many times to forget the past, and to walk on the life with more courage and bravery. Been telling myself again and again. Just too many times.

From losing Archie, to losing my best pal to UK, and now losing my younger sister for her own good as well as losing close friendship, all these piled up to me at a go.

I tried telling myself that letting go might be the best way in order to move further. But is it true?

Losing Archie, changed me alot. From one that believes in true love, to one that doubts the feeling of herself towards others as well as not looking forward to anymore relationship.

Losing best pal to UK, made me felt lonelier at times. Felt scared too, cos afraid that distance and time will change the relationship but was again reassured by her that it will NEVER change. But how long does this assurance gonna last?

Losing younger sister for her own good. Meaning, Ive to sleep alone for the few months, although I know is not as painful as the pain she had gone through, but I am again, afraid of loneliness.

Losing close friends, which now is a total stranger to me. But gaining friends. Will these new friendship patch up the hole made by the ex close friends? Which one hurt more?

I admit. I am never good at handling separation. I admit that i will not put everything to myself because I surely am not that strong to hold the tears again and again.

When will be the time when I can finally have a shoulder to lean on? Someone to remind me again and again that there is nothing matters except me? Someone that I can really put my burden on? Someone that do not let me go through separation again?

Maybe, I was being strong enough for someone else. For how much longer I can brush all these negative thinking and tears away and be strong for everyone, including myself? For how much longer Ive to bear all these? For how long can I still shine this small candle of mine in the dark?

Have you ever...

Have you ever felt that the world stop turning for you anymore?
Have you ever felt, you are just nobody to everybody?
Have you ever felt, the future of yours is no longer in your hands?
Have you ever felt, you are just alone to deal with everything?
Have you ever felt, you just dunno who to turn to?
Have you ever felt helpless and useless?
Have you ever felt so empty and blank?
Have you ever felt is all over and no more turning back?
Have you ever felt, there is no longer hope?

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When those feeling come by, how do u deal with it? Who would you turn to? Do they helped?

Im just so blank although I know nothing I can do, except pray and not to think anymore...

A month to remember

25 May 2009 - 20 June 2009 is the date where im attached to a pharmaceutical fact. This is it!



Bangi


By the name of the attachment,
"P-h-a-r-m-a-c-e-u-t-i-c-a-l a-t-t-a-c-h-m-e-n-t" = BORING

Well, well.. what did I get for this whole month?

From pharmaniaga:
Dari mana? Training ke? IMU? Mana tu? IMU = International Manchester United? Berapa lama kat sini? berapa lama lagi belajar? Mau tanya apa ya? Apa binatang yang paling kurang ajar? Apa bunga yang paling kat dunia ni? Ada pak we ke? Tak ada? Jangan tipu tau, tak baik menipu. Ada hati kat saya ke? Boleh saya datang meminang kat sabah? berapalah hantaran yang kamu mau? kenapa tak boleh dengan saya? Bila balik sabah lagi? boleh ajak keluar ke? Apa perasan kamu hari terakhir di sini? Sukakah di sini? Kenapa suka kat sini? Rindukah aku lepas ni? Aku rindu kamu boleh tak? Kenapa tak boleh?

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U all must be thinking im trying to brag here. but was true. U may think I flirt, but I swear I dint. All I did was being helpful in their work by reducing their OT as well as their income (Cos no OT income). Anywork from carrying pails of IPA and pellet to folding packaging boxes, I done all!!! It was damn fun! Lol~ Maybe what Mr Hiam said is true that they like ah moi. Whatever is the reason, they are really good friends of mine.

Through this attachment, beside getting all those jokes from them, building friendship as well as helping them to convey they frust to higher authorities as well as getting all I have learnt in pharmaceutics into life, this attachment had taught me alot about life.

Operators are considered the least level of people in a manufacturing company. Everyone take least attention on them, taking them as labourers only. But i tell u what, they are the engines of the company, and they know more than the executives! They are just the best people in these attachment.

From being an acquaintance only, to telling me secrets that no one else in the company knew (from their private business to their relationship problem). Cant guess they would tell me le... Must be thinking I was a kepoci le.. But surprisingly, they open up to me, and told me and tell and discuss their concern with me. To tell u the truth, some of them are VERY ambitious which they make BIG BUCK$ outside this confined compound. We even talked about religion, a sensitive issue in a peaceful environment beside understanding their work, and the machines :)

Im blessed with a great supervisor (better than Lauren's supervisor that makes u wanna burn her office down!) and mixed with people that are themselves. From them, u learn what true human being should be behaving. U know what is the difference of urban M and rural M. Thanks to UiTM students. They showed their colours. They only are great boaster and bragger. I really really PEKCHEK with THEM!

That is when I need this, which I have consumed a day after being Pekchek-ed by the UiTM students. I think I had a few cups of it.

40% ethanol + Sprite

So, here, I just wanna wish all my production mates (the operators - Pak Yah, Ahzam, Nasa, Zaidin, Nizam, Rizal, Padzil, Amran, Nordin, Mohd., Jai, Zul, Kak Yan, Kak Suzana, Kak Asmah En. Badrul, En. Amzan, Kak Yani, Liza, Kak Nurul, Mas, Kak finaz, Kak Ida, Kak Lin, Kak Zaiton, En. Kamal, Kak Wati, Kak Ida, Kak Ina, Kak Ani and ALL OTHERS!) all the very very best to you all and Project 55 oh :wink. Ill miss u all, starting now already. I have really enjoyed u all.

To UiTM students, please... DIE AWAY!~ The further the better.

P/S: Thanks Kak Zaitun, u open up my mind abit about life being single, and being married.

A nite to remember..I finally met him!

13 June is an ordinary date cos there is yet no friends that are celebrating their brithday on this date, yet 13 June 2009 is a day that ill NEVER forget in my whole life! Because... I met him.. Yet, he made me cry in public.

I and popo were bored staying at home, and finally we made our decision to follow purple to Fish Leong's concert. 2 weeks ago, I was told that my idol, Michael Wong was invited as a guest for Fish's concert. I am fond of Malaysian singers, yet, ehehe... im "kiam" enough to take out money to buy Fish's tickets. Yet, Im michael's fan. When I knew that Michael is invited, I have a flash of urge to get a ticket, but somehow, I dint..cos i gave myself a reason that it is not Michael's concert.

We went there an hour earlier. Is lucky enough that the concert is at Putra stadium and not Merdeka stadium. Thus, we can just walk our way there. I and popo decided if we cant hear or see the concert ouside the stadium, we will just walk home. We just take it as an exercise.

Fish's fans were asked to dress in blue, while me and popo coincidently dressed in red. And when we were asked why we are in red, we answer: we came for Michael! Wuahahaha...

Purple and the rest went into the stadium, just in time. I and popo on the other hand, try to get the best place to see if we can peep into the stadium. Doors locked, guards at every exit, every windows are so well protected and noise proof. Arghhh....

Anyhow, we walk and walked, i gulped down 2 ice-creams, finally, found the best spot! Is a place where guards see the concert through a tv, and can hear Fish sing her fabulous songs! We are different from the guards, cos we are 3 feet away from him. He is inside the stadium, while we watched from outside. Lucky enough also that a few windows are not strongly locked there. So, we watched from the tinted glass panes and try to catch as much as we can to hear Fish's voice.

We were sitting there for 1.5 hours before popo decide to try out luck waiting for people that wanna leave the concert earlier. And guess wat, I tell you guys... U should ALWAYS bring popo to a concert especially you dint buy the tickets. Why? Cos she dare to ask from every people that come out from the exit door! And we actually got a ticket worth RM158 from a mother-son couple! The concert only started 1.5hours out of 4 hours concert!

When we went in... the sitting was so great! We were sitted in the middle, 2 rows from the front of the upper seats!

However, the time that I longed for tonight, really come true in front of my eyes! Michael came out the stage and sang "zhang xin" with Fish. Michael was is Red pants and black t-shirts! So tally with how I wore ah..red t-shirt with black pants! *drool and drool* *more drools*

Michael sang his new cantonese song and was only supposed to sang those 2 songs. But yet, this what wat he said that made my tears fell:

"I was supposed to sing the 2 songs only. Yet, the head of galaxy, ARCHIE, told me that everyone hopes to hear me sing FAIRYTALE tonight. I never expect that this song has changes many people including me and my love ones when I was writting the song. And everyone, FAIRYTALE".

*tears fell*

This 2 words just ring my head bell of my Archie. Fairytale album was my first gift from Archie.

Fairytale, is a song that I never dare to listen or sing in K-box. But tonight, with my idol, Michael, the words Archie and Fairytale. I sang it with tears, never ceased from the very first note to the last clapping from the audience.

Why when i wanted to walk away from the past, yet, after a few months, the feeling of falling into the pit come back again? Why was i reminded of him when I just wanna stop remembering him? Why when i get reminded, I just keep thinking is a hint or something from God, asking me not to forget him?

Im troubled.. Dear God, please hear my prayers.

To TT

Dear TT,

I really find there is no other way to tell you what I have in mind about you. And I understand the condition you are in cos I was there before you were there.

You tend to tell yourself that you are happy, even to people that feels there is something wrong [u think too much la]. You tend to weep and silent without you realising it [where got?]. You tend to close yourself in your room [that is normal ma. tired ma]. You tend to watch or do things to distract your attention, which in a way, is a good way to find yourself [if dont do things, boring ma]. You tend to talk less [got meh?]. You even do things which friends never expect you will do [try new things ma]. You felt lost [no la]. You just changed without you knowing it [really?!? How? No bah. Stop assuming and know me well]. You just simply dunno what you are feeling right now.
***[this is what you gonna say, I think]

I dunno how to tell you or even advice you because this is a monotherapy. You have to walk this out yourself, Im afraid. Your friends can only do their part by upholding you when you needed them. When you need your time of your own, they let you by your own because they know that you need it to find back the old TT that they used to have.

All they want, is just the smile on your face, with the small eyes under your specs. That is all they ask from you. They are not worried. They are not over concern. They just want to make sure that you are perfectly ok. They do not ask for anything else.

Maybe I have done something that irritates you recently. You are always welcome to clarify with me. A person do not know he/she was wrong until they are being told. People who do not accept opinions from others, are people who do not want any improvement in their lives.

Im writting this is not because I wanna beg for forgiveness nor anything else from you, including asking you taking me as a close friend again. Or even, not asking you to treat me like before because you have others which you would prefer, which I really pray that they can help you, helping you in areas that I couldnt. Im writting this because I know whatever I say now do not matter to you anymore. The only I can do, is hope for you to get better each day and hope nothing else from you.

Is really a pain to see a friendship just drifted for whatever reason. Is even hurting to see a dear friend that pretends to be happy which he reluctantly admit that he is not.

Just wanna let you know that there are many people out there knows how much you valued. How much you meant in their life. How much you can do without you realising it. How much you can endure and how much you can hold your tears.

I just hope that, even risking losing this friendship, that one day, you will get out of the pit hole like I did. Then, a true smile will satisfy me, although I may just see it from afar.

I cant do anything. I can only send my prayers to someone ABOVE that controls all. HE will take very good care of you, im very certain.
All the very best, my pal.

Missed the chance or it just isnt yours?

Aha! U guys must be thinking ill be blogging about unfinished Australia trip as well as a recently visited place, the Land Below the Wind, Sabah. Before I feed u all with pictures only with no words, i better feed u all with some words first.. Digest them! [The real reason for not blogging them now is because I havent got all the photos yet :P]

Lately, people, movies and even dramas make me ponder again on the word L-O-V-E. This four letters are killing alot of people nowadays. I would have rate it the number one killer in the world. Is just too much of advices from the old as well as their pressure, that makes you wonder, is being a spinster/bachelor is better than being a dad or a mom?

I always wanted my relationship started without me realising it had started. In other words, I can only fell in love with my close friend.

Few days ago, Sustagen told me that he had a crush with his close fren, Vitagen. Sustagen never expected that he will fell for Vitagen one day, as they have been friends for more than a year already. Not to mention, both are very close friends. Sustagen just found that he is much affected by Vitagen, by her happiness and sadness, but chose to ignore it, and even telling himself that he DOES NOT LOVE Vitagen. But then, come to think about, when one's whereabout become your concern, you just have fell for him/her without you noticing it. Sustagen asked me what should he do to mend his feelings and at the same time Vitagen should never know about it. Vitagen is a cheerful girl that is out-going. Sustagen is afraid to admit to himself as well as to Vitagen. He's afraid he got the wrong feeling and he's afraid once the cat is out, Sustagen and Vitagen can no longer be as close friends as before.

I refer this problem to TT. TT again enlightened me that if Sustagen really love Vitagen, sooner or later, he could not hold it and would show his passion more obviously.

But what if in this case Sustagen is a girl and Vitagen is a boy? Would it be the same as what TT say? Or this time, the girl will willingly let go and walk on with life, without letting the guy know she once had loved him, but do not dare to love him? I, as a girl, have no idea how it will turn out.

The story of Sustagen and Vitagen gave me a ringing bell. What would I do if I am in Sustagen's shoe?

Maybe Im the type of bold ones. If i were in Sustagen's shoes, i would see if Vitagen had the same feelings for me or not. Of course I WONT be showing my passion, because nevertheless of how bold i am, im still a girl k, UNTIL Vitagen (boy) showed some interest too or signs that he has the same feeling as I am. Then, ill have courage to owe it up.

hehehehe... seemed like I beat around the bush, in the end, I still waits for the guy to make the first move. I guess, im just someone that dont wanna confirm things that are not certain. I would rather die the feelings out if no hints were given to me because Im a girl...but of course lar... if I see no future with that guy, i will give him a FREEZING SHOULDER at the very start because I know what I want :D

At last, I told Sustagen, dare to take up, take to let go. Dare to take the courage to love, Dare to let the person be loved. Do not give up hope on any possibilities. If he never gives her up, and hope for the betterment of Vitagen, AND if Vitagen belongs to him, they will one day produce Yakult. Let time tells, and let actions of Sustagen and Vitagen be more clear to each other. All the blessings for everyone that silently love someone now...

Empty

I should be feeling excited and anticipated now, to wait upon the last bell indicating my last paper is over. Yet, these few days, there were no drive to make me work hard for this last paper.

This morning, woke up, thought that at least I can have a great start by urging myself, there is no more time for slacking. Was checking my emails when I received email from Tank, which should be very busy preparing his practicals as well as packing his bag back to KK to celebrate his gf's brithday. From the guy friends I have, Tank is the last person I thought would be sending me those kind of emails, that I received today.

There's a sudden gloomness that set in. I know is not something new in circulating those pictures, but yet, I do felt that, some woman can be so disrespectful to themselves. Were they disrespectful to themselves or were they doing it for the sake of her love one?

I just dunno how to put it into words. After looking at the emails, there seemed to be like a ringing bell that what really love means to the people nowadays. Or maybe, is just a ringing bell for me to know how to respect myself more?

I just felt empty...

Yea... I have to.

For myself. My friends. My love ones. and For him...

Have I walked out the pit?

...

Dedicated to all whom are born to be stronger than others...

Is just another lunch break, one of the times that I always anticipate during this time, when everyone is burrowing their heads into the lecture notes, encyclopedia-thick books as well as trying to cramp everything into the small pitiful brain of yours.

Today's lunch is abit different, after receiving sms from Marchy. It just reflected to me that although Ive walked out from that pit hole, yet, there are tonnes of people just beside me, struggling for their exams as well as relationship problem.

Not this time, but yeah... there are couple of people that meant so much to me, have to juggle their feelings for exams as well as juggling their unpleasant feeling of what happened in their life especially in relationship.

I just felt that these people are just born to be stronger than others. Is like one feeling is telling u to walk on, but yet the past holds you tight, and it just make your tears fell. You are just struggling with the depression as well as the urge to prepare for the few papers you gonna face and not worth failing any one of it.

I just know how it felt, because i was being in it from STPM till this semester???? yea... was a long journey for me. Yet, after all these years, i really found the strength within that keep upholding me.

Yes, is painful to lose someone dear to you, but wouldnt it be more painful being with someone dear, yet his/her heart is no longer in?

Yes, is painful and you weeped because of what happened and why it happened, but wouldnt it be more painful if you wouldnt know how it felt to be hurt and learnt from it to be stronger in future?

Yes, is painful to see someone that once hurt you was out there jolly and you were there crying for the failed relationship, but wouldnt it be more painful if you just continue to dwell into it?

Yes, is painful to let someone go and be with someone they think they deserve more, but wouldnt it be more painful if you just keep holding on and never ever give someone else beside you a chance to be happy with you?

Is all comes to an end. We all know it. It just ended without us realising is coming near.

So what? We can never change what had happened and we could never turn back the time. What we can only do now is to use the remaining time we have in this world to enjoy what we should be enjoying. Life is all about ups and downs. We need both Sun and Rain to make the Rainbow.

To Marchy: I and You have gone too much. Walk too much than the rest till we cripple at times. We both know we can make it if we wanted to. Is time for you to make your decision whether to start something new or not. Is time for you to choose whether you wanna be happy of who and what you have done, or unhappy because of blaming yourself for such relationship that dint worked your way. Is up to you to choose. Im sorry I couldnt be there just like what you did for me. But i promise, we will able to make rainbows together in future if you willing to let go the past. There are this bunch of jimui back here, waiting to do the same with you.

To TT: I remember that I say I wanna see the smile on your face which is from the bottom of your heart. You can only do it by forgetting the past, and not by just saying it. And I hope to see it soon, real soon. Hope to see you change into someone of who you really are. Someone that is not only claimed to be a happy person because of a "happy" mask you wear but also hope to see "angry", "sad" and "satisfy" masks once awhile, provided is really from you.

To Henrina: You are just to young to ruin your life with such a man. Such a person that is no longer worth your smiles. You are young, and there are someone out there, which God have provide for you. Do not waste your life because of him. There are bigger fishes there. And even if this fish belongs to you, let it get fatter before it swims back to you to be eaten!

To Aanhry: I know you have fell and get up Again and AGAIN. You start to lose hope on people or on love. You start to refrain yourself from trusting others, and you start to be TOO strong for yourself. Do not let others change who you are. Instead, use urself influence others of what you are thinking and show them your existence! No one should be an underdog. Let them know how important you are!

To Octopy: Although the words just never come out from you, yet we all knew what happen. Im just too glad to hear that you are strong on your principle, and have move on with life. You showed us that life is not just evolving relationship, there are just too many things more beautiful than he is to be admired. [like anticipating presenting my whole birthday cake to me, in 2 weeks time :))))) ].

The rainbow is always there, when you never expect it. And that's God's promise to us that there will be a better future. Instead of holding to the past, might as well, just anticipate the future :)

Good luck everyone! *hugs hugs*

Addicted and Desperate!

Recently, just too addicted to this song. This song is one of the main song found in the newly popular series from Singapore, The Little Nyonya. The series was so GREAT which initially I thought it would be boring. Yet, during these days of finals preparation, I can finish all the episodes within 3 days. OMIGORD!

In this song, i only remember the phrase: 爱是一种需要 which means Love is a Need.

When this phrase was sang, it just reminded me, on Love that i have neglected and took it for granted. Love of parents, Love from friends, true friends that wanted to only see you smile from the bottom of your heart, and Love from siblings. All these "Love"s, you are just unaware there are there, until you weaped because of a failed relationship.

Indeed, Love is not a Want, but a Need. Only with Love, make life easier. Yet, Love is not only defined as the dependence, passion and feelings between a couple. There's more to it.

Love is defined as the willingness to give up or sacrifice for another person, without expecting anything in return. Even, letting go, does show Love too.. Instead of holding on and put you in despair, might as well, let time show what is right for both parties. Lay off your burden. Your shoulders arent that strong.

Might as well, seed your small Love to someone else, that might turn into a BIG LOVE in future. Never underestimate what seeds of Love can do to someone else.

Do not let the Love around you slipped away before is too late...

Enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1ClFboLI&feature=related
*for those who unds chinese, pay attention to the lyrics" :)