Tuesday, August 4, 2009

simply annoyed

For the very first time, i really wish I have known how to scold all the foul words used to people that I have to work with right now.

Sudahlah my project was changed totally from A to Z, Ive to work with 2 biatches and I DO NOT LIKE TO BE COMMAND! Im not your slave. I have my own way to do my things. You can not agree with my way, so am I!

I really regreted I dint force my lecturer to give them a hard time, for simply simply change my project without giving me time to think about it. I really regreted the fast decision I made, which is not to give a bad impression to the ex-supervisor.

For you guys that do not know what Im upto now, is my research sem now. Other frens are having their nice time and fun in the labs as well as hospitals to finish their research and come out with that stupidly-comb binded-thick-blue book. This is the time where you can crap but you cant crap..Crap to make it long winded, cant crap because u need literatures to support it.

I was trying so hard to please the biatches, but I just think at times, they really had gone too far. I was holding it very long, making my gastric come again, and Im dreading with this research, although everyday, im trying to tell myself, today it will change.

They NEVER call the supervisor themselves. "Since supervisor talk to you more during the 1st visit, u call her la". "Since u have call her the 1st time, then, now it should be you to call her everytime". "You ask her la the number of the doctor, and then we call the doctor la". "Since u ask more, then u present to the doctors and nurses tomorrow then". "You ask the hubby of the lady, and see if his wife is going for ceasarrean or natural birth la because u are just sitting beside him".
Q!@*&*(&*)!#&*(@!&#!!#@*($&^#&*$^#&*@^%()*)(*!()*@()#!^$&*#*(^&*$^@&*^*(!#(^@!!$@*&$*(&*()&(!)&$*(!&@*@&* *DUT* #*($&@)$&@()$&@*(#&$*)(@&$*(#&$*&#*$(&@*)&$@#&$*&#@)*$*&@)$&$&#*&$&)@$&@

This research is to see which type of analgesic works best in managing post ceasarrean pain. the main limitation of this study is that Drug X, which is one of the 3 medication used is not commonly given to these patients because it is very expensive and it's analgesic effects are as good as others. Why need this medication? But since we wanna compare within the type of the class of a medication, we have to include drug X. Somehow, drug X will precipitate in a very insignificant amount to the breast milk and we were asked what will happen to the baby if the baby gets the medication from the breastfeeding mothers? Because there is still POTENTIAL that it will be tranfered to the baby.


Today is even worst. They wanted me to call the doctor that we have to ammend the way we research after a whole week of research started. The reason we have to ammend is because from the very start, we are violating the law. However then, we are not aware we are wrong because supervisor said ok, and we just carry on, because she knew more ma... Then, after a whole week, she realised shouldnt be doing that way and we have to contact all the DOCTORS in the gynae ward to notify them about the changes. I tell you, DOCTORS are the WORST people on earth. MOST of them [so far I only met 3 which respect you as human] are simply animal heart and mind with a human figure. They never treat u like a human. They say nasty words to you although we ask if its ok we can talk to them.

FINE. what can we do? What is not correct, have to be corrected. I do as what they say and contacted another doctor which is much associate with this study. This doctor is a nice doctor, but she wasnt in the hospital. I told her everythg about why we need to change the method because she ask me why a sudden? Is already a week, all the doctors are working for us like we planned, and now change. Why? and guess what? MY LOVELY BIATCHES teammates, right after the call, was condemning me [though biatch 1 was commenting on how should i say to the dr on the phone]:

Biatch 1: Why did you tell her that it have to be ammend because it was not quite correct the way we do it at the first place?
Biatch 2: Ya lor... if you tell her this, she will think we are wrong. She wont believe us again? Cant u just tell her that it was just not in our methodology to tag the days for which medication to be given on each everyday?
Pinky: I told her. She ask me why? Why a sudden change. There should be a reason why right?
Biatch 2: But you dont have to let her know ma. Just say our supervisor said it.
Pinky: Is there a difference if i tell her now, before she need to hear from our supervisor? She will still know the reason why eventually.
Biatch 1: Just say la that we have to change it, and say nothing at all. If she wanna talk to supervisor, then, only then, let our supervisor to deal with the problem or questions she ask la.
Pinky: She is in our research ma. Takkan Ive to hide something from her?
Biatch 1: But if she wanna know, she will talk to the supervisor herself ma. She is just another doctor in the hospital, she just find it fun and she wanna join the study and you told her all these! [Eh commonla... Doctor is asking me on the phone, if I sound fishy, would she just ignore? what will she think a person I am? Someone that keeps secret or do not tell it all on something important?]

Biatch 1: I hear you say this what doctors cannot give, and you say yes, doctors cannot give
Pinky: yes, I say the truth. Because dr's concern is also our concern, on whether we get enough sample by the month of research ends. so, i told her our supervisor also working out to contact other hospitals that prescribe drug X to approve us to recruit their patients.
Biatch 1: Then.. You shouldnt say that doctors cannot give.
Pinky: I dint! I was just saying yes, we also aware that the doctors do not give drug X commonly in treating post ceasarrean pain.
Biatch 1: oh ohkay... Just that when other ppl ask again, or when u tok again, u just dont mention we did something wrong. u must say like...blah blah blah...

SHIT MAN! REALLY SHIT! IM REALLY PISSED!

You want me to do what you want. When i tell you what the supervisor say, you blame it on me, on dunno how to discuss with supervisor. When i tell you what the supervisor want us to do, you refuse and Ive to call the supervisor in front of you to let u hear what I talk to her and in return, I was question by supervisor on whether I listened to her orders previously. In the end, you still have to do what I say although u are reluctant. The difference is just that the supervisor have bad impression on me!

Oh GREAT! I was condemn by one part and another part, i was question on my ability to understand what i was told we need to do. Eh... my thesis have to be marked by my supervisor eh. U guys want to flunk me isit? Since I am wrong and dont have a brain, fine, you please use your own phone credit to call the supervisor. You so clever, you talk la.

You can choose when and who you want to get to sign your consent form of the patient, but I cant. Ive to not decide when is the right time to collect the data, and when is the time I think is best getting it. You only have the mouth to ask me to work, but what about u?

After i show her im not happy and i seemed to let them know im not gonna talk since what i talk also not correct, then, nevermind. I shut up! then, you come like a puppy to me. Trying to praise me after I do my part informing the doctors. Dont think you are too important. You praises are just a piece of shit thrown to me. Keep it to yourself. You guys are just simply hypocrites, trying to show that you are good girls, good looking ones and have the urge and initiative to work.

I really hate this. I should be doing something that I want this sem, but it turn out to be I have to listen to these ppl whom they think they have better mouth and better brain! Now... Do I have a brain or just simply im petty?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Another sleepless night

Tonight should be a happy night, because Ive entangle 2 friends of mine, on their doubts about the respective relationship.

Yet, teardrops on my laptop happen again. Is for my best buddy.

I just felt so lost for not being there with her.

Thinking what we have gone through as individual or have gone through together, it just makes my tears cant stop rolling down, missing the moments we share together.

Too much. From the moment when we enrol to a school which every single individual in hometown looked down on the students there, to both making names for the school in a good way. From the moment when we start to change role, from you being the prospective head prefect, to me, getting the post, we still strive together to prove others that we can do it. We can even do better than students in a more famous school. Then, to a co-ed school, where we met our very first man in life, and sharing all the details and sms together. As well as being the leader of the students, we are the biggest devil leading the students to bring the handphone to school, and sleeps during biology class.

You have been a great competitor to me. You also have been a great teacher to me. Without we realising, time have to separate us from this strong combination.

Maybe we really cant stand strong without each other, but I also know that both of us have been trying so hard to move along life. Tears and more tears were shed for people who we care so much. There were just times when we couldnt be strong for ourselves. There are just times, when we hope we can be like before, sleeping beside each other in the biology class when the teacher is teaching, but we still getting good grades.

Reality may have been cruel to us. But with the strength you have given me previously, I will continue to preservere and make everyone beside me see how you have shaped me. How what we have gone through together will bring us to life we always dreamt for.

I know, we are normal girls, like any other girls, just hope that there is someone that really appreciate what we have given out to him, and get what should we be getting in return. Reality have shown that is not the time for both of us yet, so, Marchy, we have to wait upon that day together ok?

Is just like how we waited for our PMR and SPM result. Which turn out that what we have sacrifice returns joy that is so undescribable. We almost beat the best school! Our results are as good as the top student in the best school!

All what we have gone through today, will be soon be pay off.. We just have to wait patiently.

I miss you and I love you.

Monday, July 27, 2009

To all people whom I consider friends.



I was trying to sleep early to change my biological clock to a more normal one. Yet, when I think my biological clock have been very obedient, by giving me a dose of anesthesia at 8pm tonight, I was wrong. I was again once waken up at this hour, because of a nightmare.

The very first question that popped into my mind will be what if im going to die today, how would I tell my friends, which I consider them to be the 2nd person that matters to me, that I love them so much. You may say Im sarcatic or thinking too much, but I really have a bad feeling after I woke up.


To Marchy: U matter most to me. U know more than any other people in my life, including my own parents. I know life have been easier in the past, but yet, with you, life have been lot more lighter today. Now, distance have to separate us, but we know that deep down inside the heart, we couldnt live without each other. Im so glad that God has given me the best buddy I ever know, someone that willing to carry the burden of life with me, as well as I carry for her. I love you, Marchy, and please, be strong for me.

To May: Life have been so much busier when we are about to graduate, until sometime we felt we barely know what each other are upto. Start to doubt whether the beliefs in us are correct. Start to doubt the friendship built all these years. But deep down again, we know that we still have each other, no matter how hard life has been, no matter where we are. And that clears all doubts. I love you, May, please again, make sure you are happy for who you are.

To Octopy: You always been my model of strength, because I see how you fell and how you stood up. You are always there to put a smile in our faces with your blog, with your smiles. You gave people a very comfortable feeling being with you. Yet, I really hope the smiles are from the bottom of your heart. And Ill carry you when you needed someone to make you stand. I love you.

To Baby: Life will not be easy eventhough you found the man of your life. There are many obstacles to be faced in future, but we are really happy for you that you found him. We are all glad that you have changed to someone that really considerate and enjoying life. We really wanted to be there for your big day and Im praying hard that my parents will allow me to go. All we want is to share the joy with you. His "I love you" might be sweeter than mine, but yet, that is from the bottom of my heart oh.

To Stephy: You also have pose a strong figure in me. Is really really happy to see you getting up again and live on happily. I promise myself to take you as my role model. I love you.

To Polar bear: which I know you unlikely wil be reading this because you are too indulge with your work and shapping. I bet you even have this link. :P Nevertheless, I really hope next year, and years ahead after graduation, I can be sharing more time with you. Please start praying hard for me too.. I love you.

To aanhry: I dunno whether you'll be still reading this blog or not. But I still read yours. In the past, there is a feeling of uneasiness everytime meeting you. But now, I know you are NEVER the person to be blame. I really blessed knowing you. I really hope I can meet you and hang out together. Please... I promise you girl,you will soon found the person that really matters to you. Ill have to check my schedule to confirm you the time we go out together with KenT,k? I know you have car~ I miss and luv you, Aanhry.

To Sustagen: Dare to love, and dare to be hurt. There is no definition of love. There is only feeling of love. Im so glad that what had happened to you, make you grow. Grow to someone that willing to fall and get up again. No longer in your protection bubble again. But heart aches whenever hearing your tears came rolling down for that individual. I wish I can give you more of my bravery to love someone. I wish he knew your heart for him.. I also wish that he know what he is doing to you. I will be still on your side no matter what the ending would be. But for the time being, I foresee is a happy ending. Whether you want to preserve this ending or not, is up to you how to handle it. Face it with courage.

To Purple: I know you have evolve to someone that matters so much to me. Even silence between us, do not longer make us felt strange. This is the sign of trust and strong friendship between us. You taught me how to be strong and still. No matter what happen in future, you will always find my footprints in the sand.

To Nicolesukiboys: I can only thank you for not forgetting me in your prayers although life wasnt easy for you either. You and the prayers meant so much so much for me. I really miss the time we were in aus. I really really looking forward in spending time with you. Thank you for being there for me. I can only continue praying that God will continue showing us the right path.

To TT: I can finally start to see some signs of you smilling deep down from the heart. Really happy to see that coming. I know you have been working hard for it, so hard that I knew you do not know how to put into words with me. I hope you will hang in there, for someone, which I think is popping to be more important in your life. :)

To Sou Sou: I can only wish life would be easy for you either. Thank you for being there when i need "professional advice". Thank you for making me feeling accompanied.

To Shell: It was really really surprise what you have told me. What you have shared with me. What have you done to keep this candle of mine lighting, although it may not be as shiny as ever, but it still burning. All are locked into this little heart of the candle. I will keep it burning, but there are times when the light is being blown by the wind, shaking the vission. But i know, you guys are out there, to protect this little light of mine. I know.

To Winne the Pooh: Thank you for making my own sweet dream disappear. I really appreciate that. Because if it wasnt for that, I wouldnt be strong until now. You matter so much to me. You have also pour out so much just for me. You always have a place in my heart.

St Cecilian: People. You all have changed me so much. You all gave me hope. You all taught me how to fight. You all taught me how to preservere in this world when people looking down on you. You all have taught me what is the meaning of winning, not the material, but the hearts of people. You all matters so much to me. Every single one of you have shaped who am I today. Thank you.

St Marians: You all taught me how to love, how to fall once again, and taught me who friends are really are. You all gave me so much memories until now that I use them to be strong for life. I know time and distance may make you all think Ive changed, but seriously NO. You all matter so much to me like in the old days. I really hope the relationships that we have built together will not die out with time. You all matters to me.

IMUians: 4 years is not a short period. Is not a long period either. You all have taught me what Kiasu and Kiasi meant. But again, you all have taught me to be stronger, strong for people who loved me, as well as people whom I love. A year left to another huge separation. I am brushing off the feeling now because i really dont wanna face it. But I promise you all, this 4 years will always in my bibliography forever.

To Archie: I love you, I have always love you. I just wish upon the star that one day you have changed to a person whom I really really knew and once loved.

The song above is for every single of you, a sing out from my heart, and my promises to you all. God bless you all...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Numb and dumb.




Recently, Ive been listening to this song again and again.

I think it sings out the feeling in me, as the main actress inside.

I always think Ive moved out from the past. But without me realising, I was actually still inside the pit, or all these while I was the one not admitting im still inside?

Recently, I miss him even more although I know I shouldnt be. I know it is all ended. Ended totally. But I, just suddenly miss him so much.

Tears came rolling over and over again. sleepless nights came about again. Everyday, I open my eyes, there is this feeling of missing him so badly, but I tried so hard to brush it away. Prayers are the daily routine for me to keep me strong and still.

I can sense there are a few guy friends that was hinting me about going with me, but I know, Im not ready yet and they are not the ones. I am very certain with this.

But yet, when tears rolled down, and when heart aches again, this time, I found no one I can turn to. No one at all. For my jimuis, they have things to be busy with, their own life, and even their own love life have to struggle. For my best buddies, I dont want to share anymore because I really dont want them to think I have feelings for them. For those whom I have sent wrong signals[whether I have, or you were just thinking I had], Mr Rub Shoulders and Went, I am sorry to you all.

People always say that there will be always someone there for each and everyone, but i guess, there is just no one for me.

There are just too many thgs happen in life that makes me limping to go on with this life. Tears will continue to roll down with a smile on the face. I will continue wearing this mask of mine until HE turns out for me.

But i think that day is not gonna be here for me, a simple looking girl, with nothing special compare to other girls, except with a big appetite for food. Never.

Love changes...

You and me.
It makes you melt in heart when it came along,
But it hurts more than a cut in flesh when it went away.
It makes you weak in legs when it is there,
But it strengthens you when it went away, IF and only IF you can keep positive.
It makes you believe in yourself when it is there,
But you lost yourself when it went away.

It gives you courage to face everything to make it sustain,
But you trembles when it had to go away.
It makes you smile when you are sad but in love,
But you couldnt cry when you are sad but alone.
It changes you without you realising,
But people around you realised it.
It makes you want to stay in that position forever,
Yet, that is not the case if it is not meant for you.


Dear Marchy,
I know time and distance has changed both of us, in the perception of love. We used to know what we are doing is correct or wrong. We used to know whom we love, and whom they love us. We used to be tagged as girls of courage. We pose a strong figure in everyone's eyes.

I know, this is not we want in other people's mind about us. Yet, we have to accept that.
We have to accept what people sees in us, and make use of it to build the life that we want.

MSN and phone have distanced us without us knowing, yet, both of us also, because of this, are forced to be strong for ourselves when just NO ONE beside us can be strong for us, while we have to be strong for others.

Being alone after a journey of relationship, is never an easy period. I dont want to blame it on anybody, but it seems that our lives is never calm and in the way we expected. I also do not know how to explain why both of us are chosen to go through so many of the things, which girls of our age DO NOT have to go through. I really dunno, and if I am given a chance to choose, I dont want to be a girl whom everyone thinks im strong enough for EVERYTHING.

I know, both of us are lost and tired. Really exhausted looking at the life we used to have. Reflecting the time when we were still together, working hard for the life we want, working hard to maintain a relationship that everyone thinks will fail, but we chose to believe our partners. We are just too tired in loving someone else, beside ourselves.

Maybe of what happened, had made you really undecided of what you want and changed you. Seriously you and I need a break from all these. We really do not deserve these. We are like any other girls, willing to be loved by people we loved. We just have to wait.

When you have found the person which you claimed you love, why did you ever let him go because of others saying that u have changed? Why do what others think affect what you want in life? Eventually, the person who gonna live with him, is YOU, and not them.

I do not dare to encourage you to accept Mr Russian, because I do not know him, and I do not know how much you love him. But, Dare to Love, Dare to be hurt. That's the rule of the game.

If you are still lost now, stop pouring your love for any other guy, but find back who you are, and what kind of guy you want in your life. Be sure what you want in life, and that will guide you to it.

I really wanted to be there with you. Because there are times too when I really wish to just cry beside you without saying anything else. But I know is not possible for the time being. But I know, both of us gonna be stronger for each other and for ourselves because of these. There are still many beautiful things to be observed besides all the obstacles we have to go through.

I will always be there for you to support you, because I know you know what your limits are and I am certain that you know what you yourself is upto. For the time being, start thinking positive. We really have to move on with life. Achieve what we wish to have before and made in our schooling days.

Girl, be strong...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Disobedient eyes...

Tonight, eyes betrayed me.

So much promises Ive done to myself, yet, is this time of the year, that I give myself an excuse to express what I really felt inside >>>> Tired, exhausted and hurt.

People often thinks Im afraid of nothing. NOTHING. Strong in the inside, hard as diamond outside, although there are some air in the head everyday meeting me.

Sometime, Im tired to think of all negative things happen in life. Im fed up with myself of keep motivating myself to walk on this life with courage and smile.

Sometime, I even felt, I have to hide my tears in order to be strong for others.

Sometime, I felt I dont want to show it out, because I know there is no point of doing it, because for others, I am strong.

Sometime, I felt my tears are just cheap longkang water, because no matter how it is shed, no one will appreciate it, no one would understand, no one would know how to wipe them from my face forever.

They do have a point. Because the tears shedded, can only be controlled by the individual herself.

But this time of the year, I think I do have an excuse of taking my own time to heal the hurt Ive been going on in my life. Just too much sorrow, that I have forgotten many beautiful things that happen in my life. Because the beautiful things just happened in the past.

Great things happen now, have to happen non-stop for a few years to really cover up whatever things that happen in the past.

But for this time, I needed a break, from being strong for anyone else, but myself.

I know, it gonna be hard because memories start to appear again although everytime, I bravely sweap them away.

I assure myself with lotsa things happen around me, that decision made is the best. That everything is perfectly alright.

But tonight, eyes betrayed me. Betrayed what had I believed in myself.

But im just exhausted. Is just a girl, that everyone thinks she is strong, felt lost and tired...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

It happens again.

It just happen again although I tried hard to control. But it just no use controlling. Tears roll.

Tears just rolls when the song of Mayday hit me while reading what Purple had write in her elective report, the conclusion part.

" It was a very memorable trip, I would say. I gain more than I ever expected. We get closer to each other after this trip especially after mount Kinabalu climbing. We worked on hard and hold hand in hand to reach till the peak. The best thing that I gained is determination and motivation to reach till your goal. When you have decided something, you have to hold on strong to reach there even when you feel so tired and wanted to give up. However, always remember that there are always friends by your side that motivate you to move on. They will always be there to encourage you and help you to reach your goal.

It is just like our life in Bpharm course. It is never easy for us to reach and hold on until we graduate. There is always too much to study with too much pressure, either from ourselves, from parents or lecturers. However, everytime we will motivate each other not to give up no matter how. Eventhough we feel stress out and restless at times, the determination in us, motivates ourselves as well as people around us to strive on strong in Bpharm.

As souvenirs, we back to KL not only with sunburn and muscle aches but also great memories that will stay in us forever, that will hold us no matter how far we are distanced. That is the priceless souvenirs that anyone could ever get.

If someone ever asks me, will I visit Sabah again? The answer is a definitely a yes. It was the most enjoyable trip I have ever been and it will be an unforgettable memory for me, forever and ever."

* Have been edited to not to make it like a report*

I just couldnt stop my tears from falling tears. To see how the trip that I have been trying hard to pull everyone together as well as giving ppl most unforgetable memories, which I thought, it was all thrown into the drain, turn out to be something that still gives ppl that have joined the trip, a spark in their life whenever think back the trip.

Purple, you said Ive made you cry with my blog entitled: To PURPLE, I think this report of yours, made me cry. Made me misses you so much. Made me regreted I dint take many photos with you all. Reminded me of people that have left your life, let them leave cos the really good ones will stay on forever.

Terrorist have asked me to write an article for this trip, instead of making it like a report, I think I will write in my point of view. It will totally from me, Grace. And with you all great ones that make my life fuller!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

really blank

What do I think now?
I have no idea.
For 2 weeks already since I slept deeply.
I havent been sleeping well these few days, on'ing my drama's 24 hours/day, sampai computer also show blue screne!

I know I have to be strong to counter all those negative feelings inside me.
From dunno how to start my 2-weeks oral presentation, to eating at very odd hours while grumbling bout my weight that terrifies operators in Pharmaniaga,
From getting money for my convo mag to an activity that I wanna make it happen,
From being clear with what I have to do to know what I wanna blog,
I think.... I have no idea what im blogging now.
Just because Im B-L-A-N-K now.

I just dunno what my heart wanna say and do.
All I want to do is sleep.
And eat.
And crap.

I know there are more people out there, which are more in need than I do,
But I dunno where my strength and drive to work.

People say Im strong. People say I should fear of nothing.
Wuahahahahahaha.... What a joke. I wonder what makes them think so.
A strong person is always an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's the reason why they say im strong?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

To Purple

Dearest Purple,
U say I dont support.
U say that was NOT a small thing.
U keep reminding yourself of the painful past

How much do you know people around you have suffered emotionally?
How much do you know what happened to you, also had a GREAT impact on others?
How much do you know how hard is it for us here to move on, juggling the life without you, while you say we dont care at all? while you say you have the right to be depressed?
How much do you know, beside the thing you are going through that have nothing to be done anymore, we also have to deal with lotsa changes but trying to be strong physically?

You say I dont care.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, I dont care,
and that was the reason why I brush off our memories when we went grocery shopping nowadays.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I was only silent when preparing meals.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why terrorist came down to accompany me, while was preparing meals, avoiding the memories of you here.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I have problem falling asleep.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I stressed up until my biological activity is disturbed.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I still smiles and tell others you are all alrite though tears in heart shedded.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I lost my drive to work for activities.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason I never take this as a funeral of the future, but a funeral of the painful past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we all here was trying to avoid any topic that reminds you with us.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we still smile to go on, and hope you can do the same, hoping everyday that we will never lose YOU.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we never try to evoke any topic that may remind you of the past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we keep the sorrow while being tough for you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why always wanna make sure you are the "old" you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we were trying so hard to ensure you there will be NOTHING to change during this time.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we pray everynite that you can be yourselves and smile is always on your face, while taking this obstacle as a jumping stone for better future.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, we dont care.

And thanks for reminding me and us, that we never support you.
But thanks again for giving us such lovely memories.
And thanks again for losing yourself to show defeat to this obstacle you have to go through, while we DONT CARE.
Thanks so much to tell us that you willing to give up to depression, and we dont care. Thanks.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

My candle is dimming..

Recently, ive been telling myself so many times to forget the past, and to walk on the life with more courage and bravery. Been telling myself again and again. Just too many times.

From losing Archie, to losing my best pal to UK, and now losing my younger sister for her own good as well as losing close friendship, all these piled up to me at a go.

I tried telling myself that letting go might be the best way in order to move further. But is it true?

Losing Archie, changed me alot. From one that believes in true love, to one that doubts the feeling of herself towards others as well as not looking forward to anymore relationship.

Losing best pal to UK, made me felt lonelier at times. Felt scared too, cos afraid that distance and time will change the relationship but was again reassured by her that it will NEVER change. But how long does this assurance gonna last?

Losing younger sister for her own good. Meaning, Ive to sleep alone for the few months, although I know is not as painful as the pain she had gone through, but I am again, afraid of loneliness.

Losing close friends, which now is a total stranger to me. But gaining friends. Will these new friendship patch up the hole made by the ex close friends? Which one hurt more?

I admit. I am never good at handling separation. I admit that i will not put everything to myself because I surely am not that strong to hold the tears again and again.

When will be the time when I can finally have a shoulder to lean on? Someone to remind me again and again that there is nothing matters except me? Someone that I can really put my burden on? Someone that do not let me go through separation again?

Maybe, I was being strong enough for someone else. For how much longer I can brush all these negative thinking and tears away and be strong for everyone, including myself? For how much longer Ive to bear all these? For how long can I still shine this small candle of mine in the dark?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Have you ever...

Have you ever felt that the world stop turning for you anymore?
Have you ever felt, you are just nobody to everybody?
Have you ever felt, the future of yours is no longer in your hands?
Have you ever felt, you are just alone to deal with everything?
Have you ever felt, you just dunno who to turn to?
Have you ever felt helpless and useless?
Have you ever felt so empty and blank?
Have you ever felt is all over and no more turning back?
Have you ever felt, there is no longer hope?
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When those feeling come by, how do u deal with it? Who would you turn to? Do they helped?

Im just so blank although I know nothing I can do, except pray and not to think anymore...

Friday, June 19, 2009

A month to remember

25 May 2009 - 20 June 2009 is the date where im attached to a pharmaceutical fact. This is it!



Bangi


By the name of the attachment,
"P-h-a-r-m-a-c-e-u-t-i-c-a-l a-t-t-a-c-h-m-e-n-t" = BORING

Well, well.. what did I get for this whole month?

From pharmaniaga:
Dari mana? Training ke? IMU? Mana tu? IMU = International Manchester United? Berapa lama kat sini? berapa lama lagi belajar? Mau tanya apa ya? Apa binatang yang paling kurang ajar? Apa bunga yang paling kat dunia ni? Ada pak we ke? Tak ada? Jangan tipu tau, tak baik menipu. Ada hati kat saya ke? Boleh saya datang meminang kat sabah? berapalah hantaran yang kamu mau? kenapa tak boleh dengan saya? Bila balik sabah lagi? boleh ajak keluar ke? Apa perasan kamu hari terakhir di sini? Sukakah di sini? Kenapa suka kat sini? Rindukah aku lepas ni? Aku rindu kamu boleh tak? Kenapa tak boleh?
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U all must be thinking im trying to brag here. but was true. U may think I flirt, but I swear I dint. All I did was being helpful in their work by reducing their OT as well as their income (Cos no OT income). Anywork from carrying pails of IPA and pellet to folding packaging boxes, I done all!!! It was damn fun! Lol~ Maybe what Mr Hiam said is true that they like ah moi. Whatever is the reason, they are really good friends of mine.

Through this attachment, beside getting all those jokes from them, building friendship as well as helping them to convey they frust to higher authorities as well as getting all I have learnt in pharmaceutics into life, this attachment had taught me alot about life.

Operators are considered the least level of people in a manufacturing company. Everyone take least attention on them, taking them as labourers only. But i tell u what, they are the engines of the company, and they know more than the executives! They are just the best people in these attachment.

From being an acquaintance only, to telling me secrets that no one else in the company knew (from their private business to their relationship problem). Cant guess they would tell me le... Must be thinking I was a kepoci le.. But surprisingly, they open up to me, and told me and tell and discuss their concern with me. To tell u the truth, some of them are VERY ambitious which they make BIG BUCK$ outside this confined compound. We even talked about religion, a sensitive issue in a peaceful environment beside understanding their work, and the machines :)

Im blessed with a great supervisor (better than Lauren's supervisor that makes u wanna burn her office down!) and mixed with people that are themselves. From them, u learn what true human being should be behaving. U know what is the difference of urban M and rural M. Thanks to UiTM students. They showed their colours. They only are great boaster and bragger. I really really PEKCHEK with THEM!

That is when I need this, which I have consumed a day after being Pekchek-ed by the UiTM students. I think I had a few cups of it.

40% ethanol + Sprite

So, here, I just wanna wish all my production mates (the operators - Pak Yah, Ahzam, Nasa, Zaidin, Nizam, Rizal, Padzil, Amran, Nordin, Mohd., Jai, Zul, Kak Yan, Kak Suzana, Kak Asmah En. Badrul, En. Amzan, Kak Yani, Liza, Kak Nurul, Mas, Kak finaz, Kak Ida, Kak Lin, Kak Zaiton, En. Kamal, Kak Wati, Kak Ida, Kak Ina, Kak Ani and ALL OTHERS!) all the very very best to you all and Project 55 oh :wink. Ill miss u all, starting now already. I have really enjoyed u all.

To UiTM students, please... DIE AWAY!~ The further the better.

P/S: Thanks Kak Zaitun, u open up my mind abit about life being single, and being married.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

A nite to remember..I finally met him!

13 June is an ordinary date cos there is yet no friends that are celebrating their brithday on this date, yet 13 June 2009 is a day that ill NEVER forget in my whole life! Because... I met him.. Yet, he made me cry in public.

I and popo were bored staying at home, and finally we made our decision to follow purple to Fish Leong's concert. 2 weeks ago, I was told that my idol, Michael Wong was invited as a guest for Fish's concert. I am fond of Malaysian singers, yet, ehehe... im "kiam" enough to take out money to buy Fish's tickets. Yet, Im michael's fan. When I knew that Michael is invited, I have a flash of urge to get a ticket, but somehow, I dint..cos i gave myself a reason that it is not Michael's concert.
We went there an hour earlier. Is lucky enough that the concert is at Putra stadium and not Merdeka stadium. Thus, we can just walk our way there. I and popo decided if we cant hear or see the concert ouside the stadium, we will just walk home. We just take it as an exercise.
Fish's fans were asked to dress in blue, while me and popo coincidently dressed in red. And when we were asked why we are in red, we answer: we came for Michael! Wuahahaha...
Purple and the rest went into the stadium, just in time. I and popo on the other hand, try to get the best place to see if we can peep into the stadium. Doors locked, guards at every exit, every windows are so well protected and noise proof. Arghhh....
Anyhow, we walk and walked, i gulped down 2 ice-creams, finally, found the best spot! Is a place where guards see the concert through a tv, and can hear Fish sing her fabulous songs! We are different from the guards, cos we are 3 feet away from him. He is inside the stadium, while we watched from outside. Lucky enough also that a few windows are not strongly locked there. So, we watched from the tinted glass panes and try to catch as much as we can to hear Fish's voice.
We were sitting there for 1.5 hours before popo decide to try out luck waiting for people that wanna leave the concert earlier. And guess wat, I tell you guys... U should ALWAYS bring popo to a concert especially you dint buy the tickets. Why? Cos she dare to ask from every people that come out from the exit door! And we actually got a ticket worth RM158 from a mother-son couple! The concert only started 1.5hours out of 4 hours concert!
When we went in... the sitting was so great! We were sitted in the middle, 2 rows from the front of the upper seats!

However, the time that I longed for tonight, really come true in front of my eyes! Michael came out the stage and sang "zhang xin" with Fish. Michael was is Red pants and black t-shirts! So tally with how I wore ah..red t-shirt with black pants! *drool and drool* *more drools*

Michael sang his new cantonese song and was only supposed to sang those 2 songs. But yet, this what wat he said that made my tears fell:

"I was supposed to sing the 2 songs only. Yet, the head of galaxy, ARCHIE, told me that everyone hopes to hear me sing FAIRYTALE tonight. I never expect that this song has changes many people including me and my love ones when I was writting the song. And everyone, FAIRYTALE".

*tears fell*

This 2 words just ring my head bell of my Archie. Fairytale album was my first gift from Archie.

Fairytale, is a song that I never dare to listen or sing in K-box. But tonight, with my idol, Michael, the words Archie and Fairytale. I sang it with tears, never ceased from the very first note to the last clapping from the audience.

Why when i wanted to walk away from the past, yet, after a few months, the feeling of falling into the pit come back again? Why was i reminded of him when I just wanna stop remembering him? Why when i get reminded, I just keep thinking is a hint or something from God, asking me not to forget him?

Im troubled.. Dear God, please hear my prayers.