God answered my prayer tonight...

My cousin used to tell me that Android's weather forecast is kinda accurate. Predicted tonight will have crazy thunderstorm.

But tonight, was my last day seeing him, and we just dont know when i will have this chance to go out with him, like tonight, sitting at high benches, looking out to the dark sea with minimum lights, with some jazz music and no conversation. I really have enjoyed the time.

Is even lovelier when i get to get what i wanted from him, a BIG hug, just the two of us. Hugged. Cried. Wished. And kissed on forehead and cheek. It was never so comforting. It is really comforting to get what i wanted, and also to be in his hug, honestly. All his words for me, until now, is still ringing by my ears. It was just awesome that moment. But still, we just afraid to go on further.

Maybe both also fear that we might give each other hope that pulls each other from progressing, because both were uncertain of the future. Dare not to give any empty promises.

I can only say, I will truly miss all the time when you turn up for every mess that i am in, and also be there when i really needed someone to stand strong for me. I really hope time had not ticked off that fast..

Tonight was simply a night to remember personally...Im gonna miss you hard enough, Vince...

I Pray...

I Pray that tonight will be a good night, no rain please... I really need tonight to say the last goodbye. Please God, hear my prayer..

Not anyone

Not anyone can help me out from feeling this bad now. Not even a clown. Was expecting a last meet up with you only tonight, but turned out that you have misunderstood, that most probably the whole gang is coming. Im not blaming you, because is true that this is the last weekend for you at this place this time. It just came to my mind, am I really the one who had over-thought you have feelings for me, or were you afraid that I might broke down in front of you again, or it really doesn't matter to meet or not to meet me up personally before you left? I just can't describe my feelings now.. I just can't. Not even a piece of tiramisu can sooth the feeling of losing you.. Im lost again.

Is the same feeling again...

I remember, i told you " Dont look back" when you told me how hard it is to make such decision. To be frank, when you said that you felt heavy hearted to leave, there are so much thing left behind that meant so much for you, i almost wanted to drop my tears again, remembering how painful it is to me as well.

I regreted. I really regreted telling you not to look back. Simply because i wanted you to be happier to leave here, but i regreted not telling you, i simply will wait upon that day that we both dont have to face separation again. I dont want you to forget what we had, i dont want you to forget what we had felt, most importantly, i dont want you to forget me, on how much i had loved you, which now, im afaid to owe it up to you.

Im afraid, if i ever owe it up to you now, you will have rejected it again, because to you, i know, ur mindset is still thinking IMPOSSIBLE, geometrically and physically. But i hope you know the thing that i fell in love with, is YOU, is not your physical or what you had done, is simply all of you as a person.

Dont ask me why have i love you, because my answer is still the same, there is no reason for it. It is simply how i felt when i met you.

Dont tell me: common girl, i cannot be the one you hope for. But have you asked me what was i actually searching all these while in guys? Do you really understand what I need, and NOT what GIRLS need?

What should i do? How should i get a win-win situation here? What should i do so that you and I can be happy? Can you please let me know?

Is the same feeling again...

I never would have think ive to write into this blog again, exactly how it feels a few years back, exactly the same feeling when i have to sort of breakup with my first sweetheart. Basically, i would have to admit, perhaps, i have fallen in love with this guy, though at times, i pretty bengang with him, and now, i realised, i do have a strong feeling for him afterall, Vince.

I used to think i have to babysit him, but afterall, i realised perhaps, me myself have to be babysat by him too. I used to think im strong enough to tell everyone that IM PERFECTLY FINE without him, but during the past 2 months, and with him giving me such a shock and fright yesterday, I would say, afterall that had happened, the one that stays in my heart, was still him.

He broke me a news yesterday, which really have torn me into pieces though i kinda expected it before he drop the bombshell. He has to leave this place, to go back home for people that needed him most currently.

I never ever blamed him for the decision he made, because i understood the responsibility of a child, it is not simply childish or being parents' pet, it is just the thing to do to be filial, especially as the eldest son. To be honest, if i were to be in his shoes, i would have to do the same decision.

The problem is because i was a girl, that fell in love with a guy, that both parties, maybe both, refuse to admit it. I totally went blank with my future, and totally went lost. I know miracles might happen that one fine day, things might go what i wanted to be, but based on past experience, miracles (except my sickness at chilbirth), miracles never happened to me. And because of that, i chose not to believe in miracles, but to stand up strong for myself in every way.

The thing i wanted was not him telling me what i wanted to hear, because i know egoness + senses, would have tell him or me, this is not the right time. But i felt, both of us had a feeling, we really dont want to loose this but afraid that the counterpart would have give in without ourselves knowing it. All i wanted, is not to be distanced from him.

Friendship, i believe is also made in heaven because not ALL people you can be real, can show who you are, and be who you are, and most importantly, comfortable in his presence.

I really hated how this feel, and to be honest, i would say, i have fallen in love again, and fear how it will end based on how it is now.

Will he be brave enough to forget the past, and give some hope that distance does not matter at all? Will he be brave enough to know that im not that strong afterall? Will he be brave enough to know that i doesnt need much attention as other girls might need? In short, will he be brave enough to admit he still have feelings for me?

Is just 14 days left. 1st night gone with cries into bed. Tonight, it will be the same. Im in love. Im scared. Im blank. and i just dont know how to make myself better...

Do you know?

Do you know that the people who are usually the strongest are usually also the most sensitive?

Do you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to be mistreated?

Do you know that the one who takes care of others all the time is usually the one who needs care the most?

Do you know that the three hardest things to say are: I love you, I’m sorry, and Help me?

Random acts of kindness mean more than you will ever be able to comprehend.

Is time really heals or time actually make u ignorant?

Often, people mention time heals. In relationship and in every not-so-happy events in life. But does that really how it works?

Recently, i couldnt lie to myself that clock is ticking. I know that marriage is not a MUST thing in life, but somehow, being single at this century, at this age, the only questioned that popped into my mind was "Is there something wrong with me, that make men left?"

Im not trying to be desperate here.

Looking at myself, i really wonder where it goes wrong? My looks? The dress i wore? or to make it hurts, was it because I HAVE A PROBLEM getting along with guys?

To come to think again, I do have a lot of good guy friends and i am getting more guy friends nowadays. Is not Im the one looking for them, mind you, is just that,every guy, i take them as a friend, like a girl friend.

Some you know, u can open up to them. Some you know, 5 mins facing them is already too long.

Recently, came 2 guys in my mind. One was the one i had a crush on, and he knew it, and he beats around the bush and finally, time made me Care-less of him. Is not that i dont hope for miracles to happen, to hope for the time we spent together like we had before, is just that, am really tired to baby sit a guy anymore. All i can hope for is a good ending, for both of us, regardless how it ends.

2nd guy was a guy that i would say i have missed. Started as a friend, progress as a hi-bye friend, then, a friend that i have learn something from him: How should a girl be treated. Is just that, it was the time that i realise, these are what i am looking for in a guy, Miss Understanding, came along, and somehow affected the friendship, Again, i told myself, if it is belongs to you, he will come back again. IF.

It is really true that " People that love us, we hurt them. People that we love, hurt us".

Does time really heals? Or we were wasting alot of time picking up stones instead and left the diamonds out along the way?

No one will understand.

People see that im successful, earning lots, having lots of friends around and happily being posted at my hometown. But many of them really felt what i felt?

Never felt so lost. Never felt so rebellious. And i regreted the decision made a few months back. I have to admit, i asked for a retention because of him. But what happen in the end? I just felt im being used. Somehow, he did not realised it. And again, i realised, i was trying to be someone he might like. And in the end, i got hurt again, and putting a strong firm and happy face.

It really kills me. The feeling can never subside and no talkings can help to mend this feeling, except me leaving. How can i leave this place? I hate to say it, but im starting to hate it already...

Stress

Work stress.
PCP to finish. All 80 of them.
2 long case to finish.
1 presentation that i dont have an idea what to tell the audience. "Trend penyalahgunaan bahan psikotropik di Malaysia".
Log books to finish.
Article of switching IV to oral antibiotics.
More viva before my logbooks are signed.
SPSS that i havent touch for 2 years.
Research thesis writing.
All these have to be done in 2 weeks.

Most stress of all,
is the feeling of him not wanting to go out with me alone again.

Is almost a year

Is almost a year since ive blogged. I think for ppl whom know me, blogging = sadness comes in. Happiness will only be shown through pictures in fb.

It is also like in a lifetime that a guy gave me the feeling that he is going after me. Yet, no doubt, i know maybe he is just another Archie in the sense that they have equal characters that attracts me, yet, they differ in the aspect that this one, is loyal, just like me.

Asked me out personally.
Treat me meals.
Buy me a bread when i miss my lunch.
Concern on how i am doing with work.
Sharing with me on his pain.

Although from the beginning I have tried to tell myself, maybe i should not over-interprete these actions. I keep telling myself that they are just act of building friendship.

Yet, i think, the more u tell urself that u cant, the more u will be.

Finally, after yesterday, all doubts are answered. Im just another friend. He shared what he shared with me, with other friends when we all had dinner last night. Everything. Is pretty obvious that i am giving him hint that i have some interest in him (ppl calls him Dr Love wo..). If he doesnt realised it, that means, he is just running away.

I learnt from Archie is that, what men and women thinks are different. And from Archie, i also finally knew what i want in my spouse. Tho, i might found some of the things that i need in this friend of mine, Wanna-be, but maybe, timing is really wrong again.

I also not ashamed that I will also be jealous if i see him treating other girls equally as me, when i think I was the only one getting all those priviledges before this. But, maybe, this great guy, just not belong to me...

U disappoint me.. And I just have to say, is up to here my trust.

This person, i took him as my brother. I took him as someone that I can trust. He knows about what happened between me and Archie, because I told him. I trusted him because he used to be mature for me.

But after this attachment, he will forever be deleted in my list of people I can trust. I even in a dilemma whether he should be consider as a friend or not.

I admit no one is perfect. But when i choose to be quiet and not happy with one thing, or even decide to blog about it, I assume people whom read it, whether is about them or not, will understand me. But not, rubbing into the problem to make it big.

I just think that this person is really too much. Yes, I was then mad at Yellow. And guess what, it went away the next day. But when I found out it was U, Mr Appeton who asked Yellow to read about it... U know what, u are rubbing into the problem. U are not helping at all and u do not know how to handle situation. In short, IMMATURE.

I dunno how do u used to make friends. Maybe for u, to solve the problem between me and Yellow is by showing her how mad I WAS to her. But u know what, mature ppl will want both sides not to be angry about it anymore. Mature ppl will tell Yellow about it in another way to avoid Yellow is mad at me. Mature ppl will tell me about that Yellow is angry because she read about it, and told me which part u are not agreeing with. Mature ppl want to see peace, but for u, u want to see war.

This blog belongs to me. I open a blog not to just keep my friends updated, but also to release anger, stess and what I do really think here. I wrote it here to accept critics but no intended to bad-mouth people. If i intend to bad mouth a person, I dont have to choose it here, with initials and names I gave. I should have put into Facebook. I shouldnt even keep my blog address secretive. If i were to act like u, I would have tell Catwoman what u talk about her at the back. If i were to act like u, I would have told you what others told me about u before and during the attachment.

To me, this blog is a place for me to express things I cant do it with real human beings. I wont delete the blog I have written because every single word is what I really felt at the point of writing. Why do i want to fake myself in front of my own blog, my own space, and also ppl whom I trust that I gave them my blog address?

I am being true to who am i. I dont want to raise it up because I dont want to make it an issue. Instead, I put in in my blog so that people that I trust can correct me, can criticise me, can give me another way of seeing things.

I also have to admit. I am not a perfect person either. I have my flaws, and for u, maybe more. But u know what, I dont keep flaws as an obstacle to let ppl know what I feel, instead of some other people, they just being a hypocrite, trying to please others. I dont need to please anyone. I just treat everyone as I really felt. No one is perfect, and I dont keep things long enough besides BETRAYAL. I never except betrayal in friendship. And this is what I call, betrayal.

I ever wonder should i make my blog a securitied one. Then, i told myself no. Because the point of me writing is to let my feelings out, not to create war. Anyone can just condemn me in their own blog, and I will have no hard feelings for it, because is their place where they are being themselves. As for me who read it, I would need to ponder about it, and try to make some adjustment on what I have been condemned.

All I wanted to say is, I will not be a hypocrite. I write something because I felt so at that time. I say something because I want you to know. And I treat u not because I want to have a good impression of me in you, but because I wanted to.

Is up to you how u see things. If u decide to tear the friendship up and treat me because want to avoid quarrels or just to "yeng fu" me, you know what, the thing is, Im gonna make the friendship tore apart. People that know me will know that I will never abandon my friends, never will act hypocritically towards my friends. But since U are not sincere enough, that's it, u have what u wanted, unsincerity from me.

I treat people individually. U are u. Ur friends are ur friends. I may dont like someone, but I hate hypocrites and I hate betrayals. And mind u, hate is a strong word. Im really piss this time.

Turn girlie or just be what I am right now?

Tonight, was another night burning night. Went out to get supper with Yoyo and Yellow. Intended to let my migraine take over me for a couple of hours, at least trying to figure out some PCI for my 22-medicated patient in ICU which Ive clerked 3 weeks ago.

Then, a good fren of mine, Penang, came chatting with me. It was nice of him to catch up with me. In the conversation, I told him how was i being pissed by Supergirl and Appeton. Then, we came to talk about Yellow, my partner for the attachment. But I never told Penang what I felt about Yellow recently. Because in everyone's heart, she is a delicate angel.

I felt so frustrated with Yellow as my partner. But yet, I felt guilt like treating her like that. I dont want to comment much. Maybe u all decide.

During the 1st rotation, we have to hand up 6 PCP. And she did her work very last minute. trust me. 2 days before evaluation, she only start to do her PCP.

So, 2nd rotation, i intend to motivate and push and scare her abit. MY 2nd rotation was quite heavy too. 6 PCP + 1 long case. The worse of all, my rotations are CVS, chest and ICU, which all, during the working days, u can barely sleep for 5 hours. The preceptors are so responsible that I was also trying hard to show some interest. But... CVS memang I beh tahan le... I SUX to max. Well, nvm... Ill catch up with the Ipohchis soon for group discussion.

So, the very first week, after chest rotation, I told myself to finish all 2 chest PCP during the weekends, because the cases are still fresh with me. Well, i did remind my partner to start doing. 1st saturday, she spent by reading online story book and she decide to do it on the next day. However, the next day, she only manage to finish doing her diary for that week. So, Week 1 = 0 PCP + 1 dairy done.

2nd week was hell, it was CVS. No matter how much i try to show interest, i think it bores me to death. THe preceptor was so geng that he is the first CVS consultant pharmacist in Malaysia. And yes...I know im terrible. I cant even think of the medication for gout. Cant even try to get out with an answer. But nevertheless, I did try to find all he want us to find every day, sacrificing my beauty sleep. Only sleep less than 20 hours in 5 days. After friday, i was relieved. But again, i told myself I have to at least finish the 2 PCP for CVS because it is still fresh in mind how my patients are. So, i lock myself in house. Of course, i dint only work. I played with my games when i cant think straight. I watch movies to destress and still make my own meals. What my partner did? Friday, she went out yamcha. IM ok with it. Because im tired to persuade her anymore. Saturday, she did her 3 days diary for the week. THen, sunday, she finish her diary and did 0.5PCP. So, Week 2 = 1 dairy + 0.5 PCP done.

She was thinking she can do all her 6 PCP in 3 days. Which i have to salute her if she really can. She only tell me that she is tired. She want to sleep. She want to go out to buy some food. To buy supper. But.... her work, are all left unattended. Aih... I know I have no say in this. But what piss me is she ask me questions that I dunno how to answer her. she somesort asking me the PCP for her patient. Commonla...I dont even know the condition of the patient. How can I comment. These are some dialogues I had with her today: A day where I am also busy with my work. Try to crack my brain why the 22 medication were given

Y:Pinky, I want to ask u ah. U see my patient had past medical hx of DM. Then, in ward, her glucose level is 7-8mmol for 2 days. But no antidiabetic drug was given oh. Should I suggest give insulin?
Pinky: Yes, u can ah.
Y: But I cant find the dosage.
Pinky: U can find it in Lexicomp ma.
Y: but oh, she was not even given any antidiabetic medication for his condition before admitting oh.
Pinky: Impossible ah... cos DM sure will give medication de ma.
Y: Yalo..So, i was thinking is there any staging in DM. Maybe his DM is still too mild.
Pinky: But if he is diagnosed with DM, takkan no medication meh? If no medication, u can write as PCP already a...
Y: ya hoh... but oh... doctor write that patient do take medication but dunno what the medication is for and patient forget to take the medication for the doctor for identification.
Pinky: So?
Y: So how ah?
Pinky: Im not your patient. How can I answer you? *little giggles with a tone of irritation*
Y: then, should i give insulin to my patient in ward?
Pinky: I dont know ur patient's condition. I cannot comment.
Y: But i need your opinion.
Pinky: if u think got no contraindication, u can suggest ma.
Y: if this is your patient, what would u do?
Pinky: Ill check if this level of glucose is caused by any medication or is there indication to remain the glucose at that level.
Y: Ya hoh... I rmb one of the drug can cause hyperglycaemia. But I cant remember which already.
Pinky: haha {inside me, im pissed. I was concentrating on my 22 drugs. and suddenly, this interuption, i have to restart to link and find where I left behind.}
Y: But if i give insulin oh, the guideline say, the first line is OHA oh. How ah?
Pinky: U just answer the question on your own. Just say give OHA first and then keep monitoring lo.
Y: ya hoh... What are u doing ah?
Pinky: My PCP with 22 medications.
Y: Har? U havent finish meh? Just use Micromedex la.
Pinky: not everything in micromedex u can believe ah.
Y: why not?
Pinky: U have to reason out why. And what to alter ma.
(then she starts to look into my cases)
Pinky: aiya... u dont see la. U still have 3 PCP to do with 1 long case. Go and do your work la.
Y: Im scared oh.

*And she left. And i guess she knew I was disturbed*

Not only that,
today again she asked me when im in the middle to recall my ICU patient that I have left behind because of the break,

Y: Pinky ah, i want to ask u oh. U see this, on D3, the albumin level is high oh. And Drug A will cause hyperalbuminaemia. Should I just suggest to stop the medication.
Pinky: If i were you, i dont think that is a PCI. U dont have a basal value and how do u know it was the drug that cause the hyperalbuminaemia. How strong is the side effect is?
Y: *SILENCE for a minute to think* Then, how ah?
Pinky: Then, dont do anything la. because u also dunno whether is the drug that cause the deviation, or actually, it had reduced?
Y: Ya oh.. But this Drug A will cause hyperalbuminaemia.
Pinky: then, u can decide then.
Y: then, what will u decide?

ARGH ARGH ARGH....
Is not that i dont want to answer her question.
1st, she asked question that is so TINY small and not prominant.
worst of all, she ask when im in the MIDDLE of concentration that I needed so much!

Today, i also trying to figure out wic road will have less traffic jam home so that we can save some time. Instead, she asked me whether I was in a hurry or not. ARGHHHHH.... I was just being nice to see if there is a way to reduce the time on road so we can have more time at home to do work.

Oh god... Please... IF I have to change to be such girlie to have a bf, I rather be a nun forever. I cant stand it. Waste time. Poor time management. Interupt others at critical point asking questions that are *DUH*.

She really make me felt so guilty for being so cold to her when she asked me for favour. But I cant help it. Im busy. I have my things to be done. Why should I do ur PCP for you? Why should i decide for your patient? Why should i cover your patient too? Why am I sacrificing my chill out time and in the end, I have to do work in a hurry because of interruption? why?

I know everyone is not perfect. and that includes me. But can I just not feel guilty this time?

Pieces women

Which is quite true which i have to admit.

She likes to be in a dream world than to be in reality.
She is weak and sensitive when it's come to "Love".
She can cry if her best friend is breaking up, and she can be over excited when her friend gets a new boy friend who is a good looking and rich even it is nothing concerned her at all. You might be surprise to see that she is shy just because she is in love.
She loves small animal and gifted in training animals.

She has sixth senses and she can guess what will happen next, it's her nature.
Even she has a good sixth senses, she can not pick or foreseen her own choice of lover.
She can not tell if she meet a sincere guy or a one night stand guy.

She likes to buy and pick her own cloths.
She likes to dress cute and be cute.
Pisces woman tend to be a good looking woman and she has a nice skin.
Her hands and feet are small and soft.
Pisces woman loves to shop for shoes as if she collects them.
She is a hot lady that everyone wants her.
Whether she has a man in her life or not, she will never try to over powered any man. It's not even in her thought.

She thinks man can handle things better, and she will make her man feel that way.
She is an easy going person, so being with her is easy.
She is a confident woman and likes to make people who stay with her happy.
She knows how to please and how to comfort a man.
If something is wrong, she will try to make other people belief that it's must be because of someone else, not because of her love one. She will not push her man to be ambition but to make him feel like he should be happy with the way he is now.
She is happy with you for what you are now.

A Pisces woman , if she has a bad childhood, she will always remember it and it will make her a very unhappy person.
She will pity herself and feel sorry for herself.
She tends to hurt herself with out knowing it and so vulnerable to drugs (real drugs or just sleeping pills). She has many choices and you can never tell which path she going to take.
If you love her , then hold her tight because she never knows why she did what she did or what she will do next.

A complex character. You may think she is a shy innocent type and can not hurt anyone, then you are wrong.
You might think she is a fragile person who needs protection, wrong again. She has been through a lot, a tough cookie.
She is a dreamer and love the word "Love", so she is the type who will buy gift for anyone for any occasion, especially if it is a gift for wedding or an anniversary even for someone who she does not know so well.

Be very careful if fall in love with Pisces woman.
She can be a total different person before and after*.
She can be an angle before and later a witch*, but everyone is not perfect, right?
She will be soft and gentle most of the time, so not to worry.
She is emotional and extremely sensitive when she frequently got hurt.
She is the type who can cry her heart out.

She can have a secret fear inside, when she says she does not need anyone.
She badly needs someone to protect her, but sometimes she can hide that feeling by being stubborn. She likes to hide her shyness and her weakness from her enemy.
She does not like to follow any fixed rules.
She can be a good housewife if you know how to handle her.

Many men will ask to marry her because she is a 100% woman. If she wants to be sweet, she is a real angles.

*Except those in italics