Simply a waste

oh gosh... was hoping I can at least start to type in the word "introduction" into a wordfile named "thesis", but still fail to do so. I wonder why.

End up getting up at 11am in the morning, due to imsomnia last nite, went to meet up with mentee and again, forgot to pass him my softcopies on the spot. So, he has to come all the way down again to meet this careless mentor of his. kesian...

Went to a briefing, which I think is a waste of time, but oh well, is the ONLY reason that can make me get up from my bed as early as 11am! Then, joined a group of friends to "witness" something that makes me think, at least, in this batch, i see someone working hard on something that belongs to each other. Enjoyed that moment. And i simply love Minnie! She was so cute! So cute! Well Equipped! And is willing to do anything just to make the photoshooting session works! Minnie, Im always your fan! And I salute and respect you for what u have done for the batch by putting your egoness aside.

Went home walking in the rain. And came home with a bit of hunger, and start chomping my oatmeal biscuit. Nasty taste? Not really.. It is filled with apples! =) Yummy. Felt like playing my games so that can keep me awake and I can read my journals, but end up, sleep sweet peace on my little bed. Damn comfy.

Dead sleep for 1 hour, before relunctantly got up, cleaned myself up, and start preparing my dinner, which i called: Greens with patches of white. LOL... simply just some leaves with eggs that are yolk-removed. Added some italian sauce and wraps the dinner of with some honey, donated by Terrorist. Yummm~

Then, Purple came to me. Did some ammendments on the trip that we are going to have next week. Chocolate came to me too, to tell me that he is interested with one of the post that I posted in facebook, and HOLA~ chatting and negotiation session starts.

Multitasking, as usual. My daily dose of laughter from game show is on my right hand top of my lappie, my msn on the right hand bottom, middle was my journal that i intend to read, and the most left hand site, with lotsa tabs of email, facebook, web that give me info on the activity im going this nov.

Terrorist came back from her dinner without my fries =( because they dint passed by any mcD on the way. Purple keep asking me to call for delivery, which i insisted a NO, because of money, and also the "FATNESS" of my tummy. But i was so craving for it. Then, some friends turn up in my MSN, because i appear "busy". nvm... i still have time for them. Is rude to cut them off as soon as they find me. They are important to me.

15mins to 11, was swallowing my remaining oat biscuit with a cup of choc milk, Terrorist came to me and say she is hungry. Gosh.. She wanted mc Flurry instead. And so... called mc DOnalds.... there goes my money and fat, buttt butt butt... at least my craving is answered :wink But after spending Rm1.70 of that call, i was told: Moi.. McD dekat kamu dah tutup jam 10 malam la. Sungai Besi McD tak ada delivery.... aih... bad news again.

Despite the hunger, as well as thoughts of food, I negotiated with the person in-charge of that workshop via email. He's the one ive been emailing the most for this week. My supervisor also dont get that much of mails from me. After much negotiation through email, i finally reduced the fee from RM90 to RM80! IS a hell alot u know! Istead of paying RM630 for 7 people, im paying RM 640 for 8 person! Hooray. I guess tat was the only good thing i did today.

Wanting to continue my 2nd journal, yet the number of pages horrifies me. But :(, i forced myself to go through it. So, like a scanning machine, am looking for the keywords to my thesis, before Chocolate turn up again ;)

Manatau, sambil scan, sambil chat. A sentence of 10 words, i have been reading like 5 times, yet, still tak paham what it says. Adoi....

Scan through the whole 11 pages, and what i get for my thesis? >>>>>>> TIAADAAAAAAA :(

So, tak ada mood, cos read 2 journals, 2 also not much info. So, decide to make the payment for the activity, and hooray, i still got enough money in that account. Have to bank in for my rental tomorrow though my hsemate havent pay me. aih... what a sad life.

What have i done today? >>>>>>>>>>>>> Just spelled N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And tmr? Im out for a movie, Poker King! ;) Thesis oh thesis...

Shanate, a new blog

It was after my long-waited-stressing presentation, I decide to give myself a "expensive" way of relaxing, by paying someone to do so for me, together with my months'ly dose facial.

Went to the mall alone, paying the bills as I will be leaving KL very soon and lots of things to settle before I left this place and everyone dont really think what they have to do when Im not around. Going from banks to banks, just to transfer money from one account to another account, and also is the time that hit me saying: Stop your crave for any food.

Pre-decided wanted to settled with my daily food- maggie mee after the facial, yet, sudden craving for meat arised. Ignored the balance sheet that the ATM machine printed out, I went to splurge my crave with a kinda-expensive-yet-so-so dinner. [The meat was alrite, grilled to my perfection, yet, the size, was pathetic for me].

Went home alone, on that never-punctual LRT. Stood on the station, alone, reading every single word displayed on the advert TV [yea.. I guess they put it up just to make it as if they are upgrading their service]. Stood for more than 30mins, and listened to the apologies made by the company 4 times in the station. Well, cut the crap for the apologies, and give us the train THAT WE WANT!

Walking extremely fast to reach home, as I was alone and is 15 minutes to midnight, I told myself to start with my thesis. "Not a single word was typed. Believed me". That is what I told everyone that ask how was my progress with my thesis.

So, came home, and wanting to start reading up, when i decide to do my daily lappie routine: Check emails. Well, you know... sometimes, email can be amusing, relaxing, and sometime, deteriorating your time. Why? Because when u open notification emails... AHA~ There is where it will get me.

Was face'booking awhile when mentee came up and chatted with me, and also Hungry came up and ask me on a few things on the trip that I and purple had planned. THen, decided to clear some "favourites" in my favourite tabs, so to increase the space for more of my drama stock for the next 3 months.

Then, I came across a blog site which I saved, by my kindergarden mate, Shanate. Click on it... and that's it. No thesis for tonight again.

Shanate, is a girl, which my mom knows her mom.. [yah... Sandakan is just too small]. Dont really know shanate cos.. common.. do you expect me to remember all my kindergarden school friends when i was just like 3 years old? I should be busy differentiating which is more important, grilling a grasshopper that me and my brother just caught, or burning the white hairs that Ive plucked from my aunt's head, afraid that they will be blown away by wind?

Reading through her blog, it just reminds me on certain aspect that i wanted to blog it. But sometime, especially nowadays, many friends access to my blog, it seemed like I felt restless telling people who am I really is now.

Scrolling down pages and pages of her blog, amazed me to a point that, she really blogs about what she is up to and what she did, just for the sake of her distanced friends all around the world. Now... this make me think.

Maybe all these while, i was just abusing this site, as a person to hear me whinning, crying, scolding, and you named it all, all-negative-thingy about this site, til this site, is a site which can actually make you cry when you needed something to trigger you.

There were so much things in Shanate's blog that I wanted to write, is what i felt , and is what i hope to write it out, but I just dont have the feel to do it so. In the end, there it goes, my blog is just a whinning place for me.

Shanate, is somesort like me, in a way. She's brilliant. She famous in her high school for being a pretty nerd. Just that she is too quiet, cute, and richer than I do. Sometime, I wish I could be like Shanate. Just a simple girl, not so tall, hugable size, good in drawings [man.. i sux to max], staying in a country that I would prefer than where am I now.

Whenever I see those friends that are born with what-all-girls-dream-of, I admit, I am jealous. Good looks. Staying overseas and continue persuing what she believes, without the need or thinking to provide for the family. Is Rich that she can buy whatever she wants, go wherever she wants, do whatever she like. Having a boyfriend. No worries on what will happen if she is not here one day. Just purely, a simple, yet have-it-all girl. [Maybe because she had it all, that's why she's simple?]

Until I came to a word termed as "thankful". Yea... I just have to be thankful for what ive gone through, whom Ive met with, and who am I now.

If I were rich, I wouldnt have to be this strong now. [which is good right?]
If I were studying overseas, I wouldnt have meet people that makes me who am I now, and they are worth it to be kept.
If I have a boyfriend now, God knows when Im starting my thesis? [especially if he is my type]
If I have good looks, hmm... can we skip this?

The word "IF" sure is powerful.

Miracles

Not even a single nap since yday 12pm. Eyes are still widely open. But not tired. Wanted to do my ever-unfinish work, yet, I have no mood to do it.

Glancing through the pictures, I saw it. I saw the change. And i knew it had changed long ago. I know it wasnt as before, and to be as before, I can only pray for punishments.

or perhaps a miracle?

Maybe is just something nice about it that I want to hear, one day, in which i secretly hoped the soonner, the better.

5 years instead of 500 days.

Today, 4 of us went to catch a movie, shown only in TGV cinema, named "500 days in summer". We were so fed up or you could say, sein with our daily routine, [although there are so much to work on], we decide to catch a movie. Instead of going to the "meatball" movie, we watched this movie which was rated the best romance comedy in year 2009. Erm.. if you ask me, I would probably say yes, is even better than The Ugly Truth. Why? It reflects so much on my life! Darn~

In the movie, from the start to the end of the show, came out 3 names that are so familiar with my own story, Archie, Her and Me. Damn. I just dont want to see any of those.

The story, was almost like my story, because I resemble the feelings of the main actor. Well, the main actress is exactly like Archie. And so am I, exactly like Tom. My relationship with Archie is, I can say, 95% similar, except that cut out the S word, and also the cheating word from the movie. Besides that, the main significant difference would be the duration. Everything happen to Tom in 500 days, while I took 5 years. Complete 5 years. Is the count still running? I have no idea, I think.

I guess Summer made a point when she say that: I couldnt found that certainty in you. I guess, when is not the time, even if is the right person, it is just no belong to you.

For a few days, ive been thinking whether should I wish him a happy graduation. I prayed hard, because I dont want to be hurt again or I myself is leading myself to a dead end. And i think, this movie gave me an answer.

"Is not fate. Is just there is no certainty in life. Why miss out the chances when you had the opportunity?"

I just hope that what im gonna do next, will not be a regret of my life. And yes, I still believe that God is in control of EVERYTHING. Just have to continue to be strong and be myself.

When can I find my Autumn?

Just...

101009... a date to be remembered by him. Is his cousin's bday, yet that is not the concern. Is his convocation, the day that he is waiting for all these 4 years. After all these years, all tubulations and hardship, he finally made it. Maybe he is getting the 1st class honours after a downfall in his first year? I think so... I never doubt his ability to score in his studies.

Aanhry last night text me saying she have something to let me know. I was told she, and a few friends including him are sharing a room at Le Meridien. Yupz... Le Meridien. I don't know why, i hope what Aanhry gonna tell me, is nothing regarding him. Except if the news is something good about him, others, including his relationship thingy, I dont wanna know.

Just suddenly, thought of him again, no hatred, no hope and just had his image suddenly across my mind. Just suddenly...

Hope he is always well, and hopefully that he will be a person that I always thought he is. A man that know what he wants.

Do I have a problem expressing myself?

Was I rude? Or was I not clear?
Do I have a problem expressing myself? Or is just simply I was dumb?
Why people treat me so, is because they couldnt care how I felt, or simply I was thinking too much?

Ive seen friends coming back to me, patching up the loosen friendship nowadays. And I had always said, they are always welcomed to come back, when they want to. Am happy with them, cos they admit they are wrong and came back before is too late. I forgive and forgets. And i can say, im pretty good at it.

Today was somesort a very strange day. From me, was being damn happy when I am posted at Sabah to someone that the coordinator thinks I AM blaming her. No doubt, I was upset when my mom protect IMU so much when I raise some concern on the attitudes of our lecturers. From educating their students to deny God in public, to become the dictator for the students. All I wanted was just someone, raising their rights to the people, though, the said might not be entertained, but yet, the party will get to know how to be more careful or thoughtful next time.

I was excited when a friend of mine, Hitz, told me that Sabah Hospital is confirmed having us posted there. Hitz even have to calm me down, when my mind, starts to have some wild plans for the posting as well as to have fun, with my friends in Sabah, and with those going there with me. I was so excited that Hitz have to warn me again and again, not to say this until the list for posting is out.

Then, a day before the list is out, the news is spread. Timmy and a few fellow friends that will be posted back to Sabah and Swak, decided that we should raise some concern to our lecturers before their last meeting, so that, they can think of what they can do to address to our concerns.

Meeting Lecturer 1, for me, is a complete failure. Why? Because, she did not address it at all. She did not let us have a clear view on what is going on, and what they have done this. Why couldnt they tell us earlier that we might be posted so we dont have to spend thousands on pre-bought air tickets? Why cant we be forewarn? And the most funny thing is, the first question that comes our from Lecturer 1 is: How do you know all these hosp are confirmed? And is too late to do anything now. Why should we be kept knowing nothing, until the time when we cannot do anything else but just have to obey? We understand that the hospitals in West might not be sufficient to fit us all. But if you want me to accept that, that is the only way for us to graduate, whether you want it or not to be posted in KK, I will start to doubt your professionality.

You taught us professionalism. Is it professional to not to do some planning for future?
You taught us to be competent. Is it wrong to know what is going on and come out with the best solution we can have, instead of JUST ACCEPTING it, and go on?
You taught us to be rational. Is it wrong that we want a valid reason on why we are informed this late?
You taught us love. Is it wrong that we booked air-tickets back home for the love ones, when we are only back twice a year?
You taught us negotiation. Is it correct that we just accept what you have planned and ask nothing that we are doubting?

We are promised for lots of things before we came in. But everytime, when is time for our batch to do something, and when is not successful, they will say that is too huge our batch is. If that is the case, why did u accept so many of us at the first place? Cant u see the problem coming? Is this what we call responsibility? Are empty promises the things we get when our parents are paying 26k/year for our fees? When the students are shinning brightly outside, they will come into our class and boast on how good their PROGRAM is. They are not giving me a feeling that they are proud of their every single students. They are just proud of their program.

I really dont wanna fight for anything intially. I just want a reasonable reason on why am I not being informed earlier that I MIGHT be posted back? I just want them to admit that they are wrong. Itu saja. Tak banyak. 1 sentence onyl. That's why, I accepted to write that letter. The letter head, was my name. My ID. And friends signed for the memorandum.

Money wasnt my concern at all. Even if they gave me a chance to choose whereever I want, Sabah or maybe Swak (cos i never been there before, is nice to explore abit when I have frens there), are my top priorities with no hesitation.

I was so pissed when i hear that the Lecturer 2 is not even keen to give us an explaination as well as an apology, I raised it to my mom. After raising it to my mom, I just simply can say, Malaysian, will prefer swallowing other's fault, although they are in the light. For them, swallowing is better than creating a so-called chaos when you are fighting for what we should be given. I was so damn angry when mom still protects the Uni and said nothing at all. I tell her how disappointed I am with the lecturers and Uni for promising empty promises with the amount of money she is paying. hellooooo people......Is NOT 26 cents/year. is 26k! And now, we have to bear another few thousands lost because the uni is not gonna subsidise us the tickets as well as tickets that we have bought, all have to be forfeited. All I just want is a simple explanation on what had happpened or maybe just a simple apology.

Lecturer 2 came in today to meet us up. I was all soft hearted when she apologise, and thought the meeting would end early, so, i can get a quick lunch before my next meeting. Then, after her first slot of the speech, no one was talking. And she was looking at me. I guess she knows who is B0607055, who's name was written on the letterhead. So, i calmly told her that: I am glad im being posted back, but it would be better if we could have know it earlier. And that's when chillies and ginger all came in.

I was being snapped when i was telling what i really felt. I was being stop from continuing my sentence when I was trying so hard to let her know, Im not blaming her, I just hope they can know they can do this in future to avoid same mistakes again. I tried to give up talking because all my other fellow friends in the hall, about 13 of them are not talking. And ended up, the lecturer 2, was talking all her excuses (with her still thinking that I still blame her) directly looking at me. I dont wanna look at her way, hoping that she would turn her eyes to someone else. Instead, I was only the one she looked at!

I remained silent. And she kept apologising. And again, i have to tell her again and again,that was not what I meant. All I want, is her apology and she did it. Enough. But she still has a tone that she believe im still upset with her and blame her for not telling us earlier. Is very obvious she dint get what I wanted to say. Is very obvious she is thinking im blaming her. is obvious, I AM the ONLY ONE talking, and others remained silent, watching a drama there. maybe hoping for a fight or maybe hope that she will sacked me before i grad?

At last, what ive tried to do whole afternoon, came into an end. She finally get what i really meant. And she finally told all the things that have made her not to leak the news out. Again, i told her, I only wish it could be told earlier. That's all.

But after today's discussion, I start to think again. Friends that I think they will speak up, or at least looking at how hard ur frens is fighting for all of u guys' concern, whether u had heard the lecturers excuses or not, cant you just voice ur heart out? I was trying so hard to voice it out. Cant u see that I have to take the blame for raising it up? Why do u guys wanna leave me alone to fight on a fight that I am not affected at all? Why do u guys give me a feeling you guys care not while I was the one leading the pack to bring u guys against them? Why do u guys said nothing at all for me, or at least try to help me tell the lecturer what I was actually meant? Why do u guys want me to risk my own reputation for you all? Why cant you all just say a word to save me from the lecturer blaming me alone? and worst of all, Why should I do it for you guys when this is not a matter for me even from the beginning?

Guess... Im just pretty stupid. Too stupid to actually risk getting back my grastric after I get my fist bite of the day at 7.30pm. I just choose to trust the wrong people again. I just thought that people would wanna raise their concern would have done together with me in the war. Instead, I was left all alone, shot to death, while my "friends" are watching. I think, I really have to stop giving hope on my Uni friends. Especially those I have encountered today. I fell once, I hope I will never fall again. They have just disappoint me from time to time.

Timmy came back to me, with tears in her eyes, i can see, that she is terribly sorry for not saying anythg, but she cried. At least the tears that I was shedding because of disappointment on friends that are not helping me to talk and watch me die when i was talking to the lecturer, did make someone realised she was wrong and admitted it. This is what people should be doing. When they are being told they are wrong, accept it, and apologise, and never do this again to anyone else.

Somehow, is not ALL uni friends are bad. I know who to keep, at least. And dont worry, I can judge on my own, who are my friends and who are not.

Morale of the story: Choose your friends wisely. U give me up, so will I. Again, you make me give you up, i will not do anything to give myself false hope again. Im sorry. Im just simply hurt. That's all...

I dont need anything from anyone. I just hope and prayed that this bunch of batchmates, one day can be someone that I always think they are, someone that I still can trust. But I guess, it will still gonna be a long way. I wonder if i got to have that chance seeing them so.

Me?

Do I know myself?
What do people think of me? Do I care?
Was me the core of the problem?

Recently, there are much shocking news for those single friends, which are attached. I think cupid is really busy this year. Guess cupid missed me out, but... whatever. I dont wanna think.

I have to admit quietness and loneliness, do kill me. This 2 things never affect me much back then, because I think im simply satisfied person, a good book, a good entertainment, ample workload, sufficient sleep and lots of good food, that's enough. Even staying in my own room, staring into the ceiling the whole night with my cheapo radio, will make me smile.

Nowadays, even when I got all these, smile is forcefully given, EXCEPT I can brush things away that moment. But after that moment, common gal, Ive to come back to reality.

Have been giving up lots of thing recently, even people. I used to think that I need to treat people as how I wanted them to treat me, but i realised, even friends that I consider them as friends, can turn to a stranger totally.

I start to harden my heart, for anyone, except those that I still consider as part of me. I start to wear mask to meet people. I start to get restless in saving friendship that Ive sowed, but was bulldozed by the person. I start to give up friends.

Some say I was the one to blame. Maybe it was me that I think they have mistreat me. But seriously, I was disappointed. I was disapponted, not mad, just simply disappointed, and dont want to do anything about it anymore, including thinking of saving it.

I just want to protect myself from being used, disappointed and hurt again... that's all. Is just fear...