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I feel it again. Is not the first time, yet I feel it again.

I can see it coming, I thought I am prepared, yet, I felt weird.

Maybe all these while, all I have encountered are really leading me to the right path, and all the hints which I think are just simply I think too much, all come to me right now, that, the hints are really hints.

Sleepless nights, aimless, strong and keep brushing things off, is what my routine gonna be again.

What is the definition for F-R-I-E-N-D-S for you?

It never felt like this before, felt so alone. For no reason.

Is Raya season now. Everyone is back home, enjoying their rendang and ketupat, which I have missed for consecutive 4 years :'( or just simply, need to stay at lab to finish up their ketupat-fed mice.

So, told myself to write up the article which I owe terrorist for my convo mag. I always wanted to finish it, yet, I cant find the "feel" to write.

Was browsing through the pictures, which was taken 4 months back. Glancing through, I realised, so much have changed. So much.


So much have changed, in the sense of friendship. I was once told that I will never get true friends, once I left for Uni. Why? Because, you will start to feel, you are being used, being meals' partner, being a supplier for lab reports, someone you can gang up to buy a whole lot of online shopping for cheaper shipment fee.

But I believe. And still, do not believe.

But I have to agree that once you get to know someone more closer, you'll realise that person is totally not the person you knew. Or, maybe just because the person you once know have changed? Or simply, just because you have changed?


So much I have witness this semester.

From strangers, turn to someone you can confide in only.

From someone who is your shadow, turn to someone irritates you so much.

From someone that is always there for you, to someone you dont dare to be close for him/her anymore.

From someone you depend so much, to a new you where you where you realised you are wrong.

From a close friend, to become someone you love. From a close friend, turn to be your love rival. From a stranger, to become your crush. From a stranger, to someone you dont wanna hear from him/her anymore.

What are friends for? How to you define a true friend? Someone that you are always be with? Someone you can talk non-stop? Someone you can trust? Someone that never makes you mad? Someone who treats you good? Or just someone that makes you feel comfortable when you are with him/her?

Do true friends really exist? Or is just another fairy tales that little girl like me believe in it?

No doubt that time and distance changes one. But it doesnt mean that it will change the feeling, except you are the one giving the feeling up. No one is perfect in this world.

No doubt that sometime you are disappointed with people that you consider them as friends. Is up to you right now how to deal with it. Depends on how you define who your friends are. Depends on how important that person is in your life.

For me, I have found lotsa friends that are not only there for me, but also not there for me, when I needed them. These are my true friends, that tell me honestly what I have done right, and what I have done wrong. Someone that dares to hurt my feeling.

Im glad I have found mine. And my quota? Is expanding. How about you today? Of course, Ill delete someone or degrade someone from close friend to just a hi-bye friend, which someone that doesnt worth keeping. Well, you may say I am judging, but I dont need a friend that is not honest to me, or betray me.

So friends, im not in a postion to tell you all how to deal with your people around. It depends on how you define friendship. Know what you want, and dont ever betray yourself. Treat yourself better by pampering yourself with people that are worth it :) Appreciate who you have now, ok?

It was so different this time. But is it correct?

Last nite, was the very first nite I met Aanhry after I and Archie have come to a stop. The nite was indeed very happy, because we both realised, both had moved on. So happy too that Aanhry get to meet another fabulous boy, that now, Aanhry, the girl which was always being disappointed with finding her right man, finally, found hers. Am happy looking at her, chit-chatting on the phone with Mr Bird.

Last nite, was a nite that I poured out everything to Aanhry after 1 year. It was so much to catch up. Told her what had happened to me, in the pass 6 months and now. She told me about her Mr Bird and what is she going on in the next few months, especially her convo is coming up.

Time with Aanhry, we will never missed out one person, Archie. I told Aanhry about what was bothering me when i was letting go, asking her, is that a hint from God, that This person, Archie, was in your life before, and he is still alive in this world? Is this hinting something? Asking me to not to let go or forget him? Or just simple testing whether ive let go?

I know Ive let him go. Really have. In the sense that, if a right person is here for me right now, there will be no hesitation whether Ive let go or havent.

We had 2 dinners, because the dinner at Pasta Zanmai was not fulfilling at all. We end up having another salad and pasta and ends the night with a classic chocolate cake at Delicious.

It was a great night. Was laughing. And smilling. Because i know, God will one day give Archie a lesson, which he will never forget. I even heard that at last, Archie and the so-called-responsibled gf broke off this year. For God sake, Helleluyah! This is like the day Im waiting for! I just dont wanna know him forcing himself being with a girl, he doesnt have feelings for. Whether he is with me or not, is not my concern anymore.

However, his drinking habit as well as his social life, is not improving at all, in the sense that, he gave me a feeling, he is all messed up. I was only hoping that the pregnant news is not a true story.

Well, it doesnt matter to me at all, just a slight feeling of disappointed, looking at a person which once I have loved so much, turned into someone that is so strange to me.

I and aahry, missed out our movie together, and headed home. Was around 1am at night, where Aanhry was showing me and telling me lots of her frens stories, when suddenly Archie popped up in her fb and chat with her. She was so so surprised and told me: He is only once in a blue moon find me, moreover, in fb, not msn. It is really rare.

Archie: Not yet sleep?
Aanhry (was me typing): Why do you care?
Archie: Wouw! I was just asking. THat's all.
Aanhry: gonna oi oi soon lo. Nitez.
Archie: nitez.

When i was replying for aanhry sake, as well as when aanhry open pictures that have his image, this time, the feeling of "hurt" is gone. I did not feel any discomfort. Just like friend. Just like someone I know, which turn out to be a bad egg.

I thought I was all alrite. In fact, I am. oh well... what am i saying here.

Yet, what happened last nite, what i knew last nite, what happened before when Ken was here, it just give me a ringing bell. I know what i feel towards him now, is just friends I know long ago, and that's all.

Yet, are everything happened, asking me to stop forgeting him, or were them just simply testing me whether Ive let go?

So much memories..

Just logged into my form 6 website, which was claimed will be replaced with a fb account. It seemed that the account, no matter is the phbb acc or the fb acc, it still remains calm and peaceful =="

The web actually bring back alot of my memories while glancing through the photos we took as well photos of seniors that used to bully us, during the orientation week or during the whole life in St. Mary [ha... this is what you guys never know, because I was the victim].

Years passes, is almost 4 year after leaving the school,yet the memories are so so fresh, but friendship? Will it preservere until our last breath? Will the 10 year reunion that we gonna have is a success? I just never know..

Looking at the post at both the accounts, it just reminded me, how fragile friendship can even be. Someone we used to work together for an aim, getting a place in Uni, now we got it, yet, everyone have different aims in their life, including ppl they mess or live with. It just changed people so drastically, these 4 years.

Reflecting on myself, I asked myself, "Have I changed? For better or for worst? Is it better to change or remain stagnant?" Questions that i still couldnt find my answers. Is it because I lost my own direction that I couldnt answer, or simply just because this life is not what I have expected before? Or was it im holding on to the past? I dunno... Who's gonna know?

How fragile life can be?

Currently, Im doing a research on which medication works best in relieving pain in ceasarrean mothers. My job is to interview patient, because my colleague is not that convenient to talk to the breastfeeding mothers.

Oh well, the biatches, at last come into their senses! *Thank GOD* And they now, leave me in peace. Yesterday, I finish 7 cases, while they only end up doing 1 case, and that case, is only needing them to get the consent from patient only.

Haih... whatever they wanna do la. I just want to get 270 patients in my way, and they are working more efficiently now. Guess my sour face give them some common sense...

Well, everyday, spot the potential patients, approach the patient, by saying such line: *With the sweetest smile I can ever give*

" Hello. Good morning. We are student from IMU, and currently, doing a study to see what is your progress after giving birth. We wanna see whether the medication given by the doctor whether helps you or not.
We will be asking you a few question such as your first time changing diapers for your baby, first time u get out of bed and first time u can breastfeed your baby without assistance ok? [try to let patient nod their heads with the same rhythm i nod my head] So, are you willing to answer my few questions for me? [praying hard patient wont shake their head or say no, then fast fast ask patient to sign on a paper that the patient dont even have time to read]
Awww... ur baby is so obedient. IS a he or she? Aww... have he/she eaten yet? Isnt he/she obedient, she/he's not crying at all?

Working in the maternity ward, where you see patients and their product of love, the feeling is so so so different from working in normal medical wards. When you look at the babies, you see hope. When you look at the mothers, you see love.

That was why, working in these wards, despite the everyday 100 minutes drive KL-Seremban, make the research worth.

Everyday was fine, very fine until today. It was really really something to think about.

Pinky: Heeelllo.... *smile big big*
Patient: Hi *weak smile*
Pinky: How are u? Still feel the pain?
Patient: Erm.. A little
Pinky: Where's your baby? *didnt see him/her around the ward*
Patient: My baby is dead. [said calmly]
Pinky: Lost her words.

I just simply lost my word. I just simply couldnt blurt out any word. I never expect this today. Or can I say, i never expect to encounter such case in this research?

Just a simple "Im sorry to hear about it. Really sorry" was said. I guess my colleague with me, also was stunned like me. But does that phrase works for the patient?

Everytime, just a simple concern will actually lift a post-ceasarrean women's mood lighted up abit. But this time, i do wonder.. Nurses told us that the baby died because of cardiomegaly [if u do not know what is this, GOOGLE], and the mother is 35 years old.

We, the lived ones can choose how the life we wanted. Do we want to spend the time you have in this world griving for things cannot be changed, or even worry for things that might not even happen?

But what about this kid? This kid have been produced from his parents. He have no words to be said. He just have no choice. IS just that this winner of life, has develop a malfunction heart, that he cant even live any longer in this world. Does he have a choice of saying no to deaths? Does he have a choice, he doesnt want to be one?

Yes, maybe his death is predicted, or they can foresee it using all the scans they have, but does this means the pain is not there?

This incident reminds me of my twin boy cousins. Both are 7 months old, where they have to undergo LSCS to be removed from my aunt's body. Will it still hunts the parents of losing this kid/ kids?

I know im just too fortunate to live on. Just too fortunate. Im born normal, and yes, i realised, it was kinda stupid when I cant give up things in the past and awaits for future. I wanted to forget so much, yet being reminded again and again. Shell was right. "If you never think whether you have let go or not, you had let go". But at this very moment I saw that woman that wrecks my heart in fb. This very moment.

I just dunno what to feel. I just hated her so much. So much that please, God, dont let me see her in the hospital. I might lost my sense and kill her. Yes, she is another biatch, that get WHO ever she wants. I start to ponder. Why does biatches always get what they want?

I know life should be coloured with lotsa colours, and sometime black. But somehow, I wish, there is no black colour in this world.

simply annoyed

For the very first time, i really wish I have known how to scold all the foul words used to people that I have to work with right now.

Sudahlah my project was changed totally from A to Z, Ive to work with 2 biatches and I DO NOT LIKE TO BE COMMAND! Im not your slave. I have my own way to do my things. You can not agree with my way, so am I!

I really regreted I dint force my lecturer to give them a hard time, for simply simply change my project without giving me time to think about it. I really regreted the fast decision I made, which is not to give a bad impression to the ex-supervisor.

For you guys that do not know what Im upto now, is my research sem now. Other frens are having their nice time and fun in the labs as well as hospitals to finish their research and come out with that stupidly-comb binded-thick-blue book. This is the time where you can crap but you cant crap..Crap to make it long winded, cant crap because u need literatures to support it.

I was trying so hard to please the biatches, but I just think at times, they really had gone too far. I was holding it very long, making my gastric come again, and Im dreading with this research, although everyday, im trying to tell myself, today it will change.

They NEVER call the supervisor themselves. "Since supervisor talk to you more during the 1st visit, u call her la". "Since u have call her the 1st time, then, now it should be you to call her everytime". "You ask her la the number of the doctor, and then we call the doctor la". "Since u ask more, then u present to the doctors and nurses tomorrow then". "You ask the hubby of the lady, and see if his wife is going for ceasarrean or natural birth la because u are just sitting beside him".
Q!@*&*(&*)!#&*(@!&#!!#@*($&^#&*$^#&*@^%()*)(*!()*@()#!^$&*#*(^&*$^@&*^*(!#(^@!!$@*&$*(&*()&(!)&$*(!&@*@&* *DUT* #*($&@)$&@()$&@*(#&$*)(@&$*(#&$*&#*$(&@*)&$@#&$*&#@)*$*&@)$&$&#*&$&)@$&@

This research is to see which type of analgesic works best in managing post ceasarrean pain. the main limitation of this study is that Drug X, which is one of the 3 medication used is not commonly given to these patients because it is very expensive and it's analgesic effects are as good as others. Why need this medication? But since we wanna compare within the type of the class of a medication, we have to include drug X. Somehow, drug X will precipitate in a very insignificant amount to the breast milk and we were asked what will happen to the baby if the baby gets the medication from the breastfeeding mothers? Because there is still POTENTIAL that it will be tranfered to the baby.


Today is even worst. They wanted me to call the doctor that we have to ammend the way we research after a whole week of research started. The reason we have to ammend is because from the very start, we are violating the law. However then, we are not aware we are wrong because supervisor said ok, and we just carry on, because she knew more ma... Then, after a whole week, she realised shouldnt be doing that way and we have to contact all the DOCTORS in the gynae ward to notify them about the changes. I tell you, DOCTORS are the WORST people on earth. MOST of them [so far I only met 3 which respect you as human] are simply animal heart and mind with a human figure. They never treat u like a human. They say nasty words to you although we ask if its ok we can talk to them.

FINE. what can we do? What is not correct, have to be corrected. I do as what they say and contacted another doctor which is much associate with this study. This doctor is a nice doctor, but she wasnt in the hospital. I told her everythg about why we need to change the method because she ask me why a sudden? Is already a week, all the doctors are working for us like we planned, and now change. Why? and guess what? MY LOVELY BIATCHES teammates, right after the call, was condemning me [though biatch 1 was commenting on how should i say to the dr on the phone]:

Biatch 1: Why did you tell her that it have to be ammend because it was not quite correct the way we do it at the first place?
Biatch 2: Ya lor... if you tell her this, she will think we are wrong. She wont believe us again? Cant u just tell her that it was just not in our methodology to tag the days for which medication to be given on each everyday?
Pinky: I told her. She ask me why? Why a sudden change. There should be a reason why right?
Biatch 2: But you dont have to let her know ma. Just say our supervisor said it.
Pinky: Is there a difference if i tell her now, before she need to hear from our supervisor? She will still know the reason why eventually.
Biatch 1: Just say la that we have to change it, and say nothing at all. If she wanna talk to supervisor, then, only then, let our supervisor to deal with the problem or questions she ask la.
Pinky: She is in our research ma. Takkan Ive to hide something from her?
Biatch 1: But if she wanna know, she will talk to the supervisor herself ma. She is just another doctor in the hospital, she just find it fun and she wanna join the study and you told her all these! [Eh commonla... Doctor is asking me on the phone, if I sound fishy, would she just ignore? what will she think a person I am? Someone that keeps secret or do not tell it all on something important?]

Biatch 1: I hear you say this what doctors cannot give, and you say yes, doctors cannot give
Pinky: yes, I say the truth. Because dr's concern is also our concern, on whether we get enough sample by the month of research ends. so, i told her our supervisor also working out to contact other hospitals that prescribe drug X to approve us to recruit their patients.
Biatch 1: Then.. You shouldnt say that doctors cannot give.
Pinky: I dint! I was just saying yes, we also aware that the doctors do not give drug X commonly in treating post ceasarrean pain.
Biatch 1: oh ohkay... Just that when other ppl ask again, or when u tok again, u just dont mention we did something wrong. u must say like...blah blah blah...

SHIT MAN! REALLY SHIT! IM REALLY PISSED!

You want me to do what you want. When i tell you what the supervisor say, you blame it on me, on dunno how to discuss with supervisor. When i tell you what the supervisor want us to do, you refuse and Ive to call the supervisor in front of you to let u hear what I talk to her and in return, I was question by supervisor on whether I listened to her orders previously. In the end, you still have to do what I say although u are reluctant. The difference is just that the supervisor have bad impression on me!

Oh GREAT! I was condemn by one part and another part, i was question on my ability to understand what i was told we need to do. Eh... my thesis have to be marked by my supervisor eh. U guys want to flunk me isit? Since I am wrong and dont have a brain, fine, you please use your own phone credit to call the supervisor. You so clever, you talk la.

You can choose when and who you want to get to sign your consent form of the patient, but I cant. Ive to not decide when is the right time to collect the data, and when is the time I think is best getting it. You only have the mouth to ask me to work, but what about u?

After i show her im not happy and i seemed to let them know im not gonna talk since what i talk also not correct, then, nevermind. I shut up! then, you come like a puppy to me. Trying to praise me after I do my part informing the doctors. Dont think you are too important. You praises are just a piece of shit thrown to me. Keep it to yourself. You guys are just simply hypocrites, trying to show that you are good girls, good looking ones and have the urge and initiative to work.

I really hate this. I should be doing something that I want this sem, but it turn out to be I have to listen to these ppl whom they think they have better mouth and better brain! Now... Do I have a brain or just simply im petty?

Another sleepless night

Tonight should be a happy night, because Ive entangle 2 friends of mine, on their doubts about the respective relationship.

Yet, teardrops on my laptop happen again. Is for my best buddy.

I just felt so lost for not being there with her.

Thinking what we have gone through as individual or have gone through together, it just makes my tears cant stop rolling down, missing the moments we share together.

Too much. From the moment when we enrol to a school which every single individual in hometown looked down on the students there, to both making names for the school in a good way. From the moment when we start to change role, from you being the prospective head prefect, to me, getting the post, we still strive together to prove others that we can do it. We can even do better than students in a more famous school. Then, to a co-ed school, where we met our very first man in life, and sharing all the details and sms together. As well as being the leader of the students, we are the biggest devil leading the students to bring the handphone to school, and sleeps during biology class.

You have been a great competitor to me. You also have been a great teacher to me. Without we realising, time have to separate us from this strong combination.

Maybe we really cant stand strong without each other, but I also know that both of us have been trying so hard to move along life. Tears and more tears were shed for people who we care so much. There were just times when we couldnt be strong for ourselves. There are just times, when we hope we can be like before, sleeping beside each other in the biology class when the teacher is teaching, but we still getting good grades.

Reality may have been cruel to us. But with the strength you have given me previously, I will continue to preservere and make everyone beside me see how you have shaped me. How what we have gone through together will bring us to life we always dreamt for.

I know, we are normal girls, like any other girls, just hope that there is someone that really appreciate what we have given out to him, and get what should we be getting in return. Reality have shown that is not the time for both of us yet, so, Marchy, we have to wait upon that day together ok?

Is just like how we waited for our PMR and SPM result. Which turn out that what we have sacrifice returns joy that is so undescribable. We almost beat the best school! Our results are as good as the top student in the best school!

All what we have gone through today, will be soon be pay off.. We just have to wait patiently.

I miss you and I love you.

To all people whom I consider friends.

I was trying to sleep early to change my biological clock to a more normal one. Yet, when I think my biological clock have been very obedient, by giving me a dose of anesthesia at 8pm tonight, I was wrong. I was again once waken up at this hour, because of a nightmare.

The very first question that popped into my mind will be what if im going to die today, how would I tell my friends, which I consider them to be the 2nd person that matters to me, that I love them so much. You may say Im sarcatic or thinking too much, but I really have a bad feeling after I woke up.


To Marchy: U matter most to me. U know more than any other people in my life, including my own parents. I know life have been easier in the past, but yet, with you, life have been lot more lighter today. Now, distance have to separate us, but we know that deep down inside the heart, we couldnt live without each other. Im so glad that God has given me the best buddy I ever know, someone that willing to carry the burden of life with me, as well as I carry for her. I love you, Marchy, and please, be strong for me.

To May: Life have been so much busier when we are about to graduate, until sometime we felt we barely know what each other are upto. Start to doubt whether the beliefs in us are correct. Start to doubt the friendship built all these years. But deep down again, we know that we still have each other, no matter how hard life has been, no matter where we are. And that clears all doubts. I love you, May, please again, make sure you are happy for who you are.

To Octopy: You always been my model of strength, because I see how you fell and how you stood up. You are always there to put a smile in our faces with your blog, with your smiles. You gave people a very comfortable feeling being with you. Yet, I really hope the smiles are from the bottom of your heart. And Ill carry you when you needed someone to make you stand. I love you.

To Baby: Life will not be easy eventhough you found the man of your life. There are many obstacles to be faced in future, but we are really happy for you that you found him. We are all glad that you have changed to someone that really considerate and enjoying life. We really wanted to be there for your big day and Im praying hard that my parents will allow me to go. All we want is to share the joy with you. His "I love you" might be sweeter than mine, but yet, that is from the bottom of my heart oh.

To Stephy: You also have pose a strong figure in me. Is really really happy to see you getting up again and live on happily. I promise myself to take you as my role model. I love you.

To Polar bear: which I know you unlikely wil be reading this because you are too indulge with your work and shapping. I bet you even have this link. :P Nevertheless, I really hope next year, and years ahead after graduation, I can be sharing more time with you. Please start praying hard for me too.. I love you.

To aanhry: I dunno whether you'll be still reading this blog or not. But I still read yours. In the past, there is a feeling of uneasiness everytime meeting you. But now, I know you are NEVER the person to be blame. I really blessed knowing you. I really hope I can meet you and hang out together. Please... I promise you girl,you will soon found the person that really matters to you. Ill have to check my schedule to confirm you the time we go out together with KenT,k? I know you have car~ I miss and luv you, Aanhry.

To Sustagen: Dare to love, and dare to be hurt. There is no definition of love. There is only feeling of love. Im so glad that what had happened to you, make you grow. Grow to someone that willing to fall and get up again. No longer in your protection bubble again. But heart aches whenever hearing your tears came rolling down for that individual. I wish I can give you more of my bravery to love someone. I wish he knew your heart for him.. I also wish that he know what he is doing to you. I will be still on your side no matter what the ending would be. But for the time being, I foresee is a happy ending. Whether you want to preserve this ending or not, is up to you how to handle it. Face it with courage.

To Purple: I know you have evolve to someone that matters so much to me. Even silence between us, do not longer make us felt strange. This is the sign of trust and strong friendship between us. You taught me how to be strong and still. No matter what happen in future, you will always find my footprints in the sand.

To Nicolesukiboys: I can only thank you for not forgetting me in your prayers although life wasnt easy for you either. You and the prayers meant so much so much for me. I really miss the time we were in aus. I really really looking forward in spending time with you. Thank you for being there for me. I can only continue praying that God will continue showing us the right path.

To TT: I can finally start to see some signs of you smilling deep down from the heart. Really happy to see that coming. I know you have been working hard for it, so hard that I knew you do not know how to put into words with me. I hope you will hang in there, for someone, which I think is popping to be more important in your life. :)

To Sou Sou: I can only wish life would be easy for you either. Thank you for being there when i need "professional advice". Thank you for making me feeling accompanied.

To Shell: It was really really surprise what you have told me. What you have shared with me. What have you done to keep this candle of mine lighting, although it may not be as shiny as ever, but it still burning. All are locked into this little heart of the candle. I will keep it burning, but there are times when the light is being blown by the wind, shaking the vission. But i know, you guys are out there, to protect this little light of mine. I know.

To Winne the Pooh: Thank you for making my own sweet dream disappear. I really appreciate that. Because if it wasnt for that, I wouldnt be strong until now. You matter so much to me. You have also pour out so much just for me. You always have a place in my heart.

St Cecilian: People. You all have changed me so much. You all gave me hope. You all taught me how to fight. You all taught me how to preservere in this world when people looking down on you. You all have taught me what is the meaning of winning, not the material, but the hearts of people. You all matters so much to me. Every single one of you have shaped who am I today. Thank you.

St Marians: You all taught me how to love, how to fall once again, and taught me who friends are really are. You all gave me so much memories until now that I use them to be strong for life. I know time and distance may make you all think Ive changed, but seriously NO. You all matter so much to me like in the old days. I really hope the relationships that we have built together will not die out with time. You all matters to me.

IMUians: 4 years is not a short period. Is not a long period either. You all have taught me what Kiasu and Kiasi meant. But again, you all have taught me to be stronger, strong for people who loved me, as well as people whom I love. A year left to another huge separation. I am brushing off the feeling now because i really dont wanna face it. But I promise you all, this 4 years will always in my bibliography forever.

To Archie: I love you, I have always love you. I just wish upon the star that one day you have changed to a person whom I really really knew and once loved.

The song above is for every single of you, a sing out from my heart, and my promises to you all. God bless you all...

Numb and dumb.

Recently, Ive been listening to this song again and again.

I think it sings out the feeling in me, as the main actress inside.

I always think Ive moved out from the past. But without me realising, I was actually still inside the pit, or all these while I was the one not admitting im still inside?

Recently, I miss him even more although I know I shouldnt be. I know it is all ended. Ended totally. But I, just suddenly miss him so much.

Tears came rolling over and over again. sleepless nights came about again. Everyday, I open my eyes, there is this feeling of missing him so badly, but I tried so hard to brush it away. Prayers are the daily routine for me to keep me strong and still.

I can sense there are a few guy friends that was hinting me about going with me, but I know, Im not ready yet and they are not the ones. I am very certain with this.

But yet, when tears rolled down, and when heart aches again, this time, I found no one I can turn to. No one at all. For my jimuis, they have things to be busy with, their own life, and even their own love life have to struggle. For my best buddies, I dont want to share anymore because I really dont want them to think I have feelings for them. For those whom I have sent wrong signals[whether I have, or you were just thinking I had], Mr Rub Shoulders and Went, I am sorry to you all.

People always say that there will be always someone there for each and everyone, but i guess, there is just no one for me.

There are just too many thgs happen in life that makes me limping to go on with this life. Tears will continue to roll down with a smile on the face. I will continue wearing this mask of mine until HE turns out for me.

But i think that day is not gonna be here for me, a simple looking girl, with nothing special compare to other girls, except with a big appetite for food. Never.

Love changes...

You and me.

It makes you melt in heart when it came along,

But it hurts more than a cut in flesh when it went away.

It makes you weak in legs when it is there,

But it strengthens you when it went away, IF and only IF you can keep positive.

It makes you believe in yourself when it is there,

But you lost yourself when it went away.

It gives you courage to face everything to make it sustain,

But you trembles when it had to go away.

It makes you smile when you are sad but in love,

But you couldnt cry when you are sad but alone.

It changes you without you realising,

But people around you realised it.

It makes you want to stay in that position forever,

Yet, that is not the case if it is not meant for you.

Dear Marchy,
I know time and distance has changed both of us, in the perception of love. We used to know what we are doing is correct or wrong. We used to know whom we love, and whom they love us. We used to be tagged as girls of courage. We pose a strong figure in everyone's eyes.

I know, this is not we want in other people's mind about us. Yet, we have to accept that.
We have to accept what people sees in us, and make use of it to build the life that we want.

MSN and phone have distanced us without us knowing, yet, both of us also, because of this, are forced to be strong for ourselves when just NO ONE beside us can be strong for us, while we have to be strong for others.

Being alone after a journey of relationship, is never an easy period. I dont want to blame it on anybody, but it seems that our lives is never calm and in the way we expected. I also do not know how to explain why both of us are chosen to go through so many of the things, which girls of our age DO NOT have to go through. I really dunno, and if I am given a chance to choose, I dont want to be a girl whom everyone thinks im strong enough for EVERYTHING.

I know, both of us are lost and tired. Really exhausted looking at the life we used to have. Reflecting the time when we were still together, working hard for the life we want, working hard to maintain a relationship that everyone thinks will fail, but we chose to believe our partners. We are just too tired in loving someone else, beside ourselves.

Maybe of what happened, had made you really undecided of what you want and changed you. Seriously you and I need a break from all these. We really do not deserve these. We are like any other girls, willing to be loved by people we loved. We just have to wait.

When you have found the person which you claimed you love, why did you ever let him go because of others saying that u have changed? Why do what others think affect what you want in life? Eventually, the person who gonna live with him, is YOU, and not them.

I do not dare to encourage you to accept Mr Russian, because I do not know him, and I do not know how much you love him. But, Dare to Love, Dare to be hurt. That's the rule of the game.

If you are still lost now, stop pouring your love for any other guy, but find back who you are, and what kind of guy you want in your life. Be sure what you want in life, and that will guide you to it.

I really wanted to be there with you. Because there are times too when I really wish to just cry beside you without saying anything else. But I know is not possible for the time being. But I know, both of us gonna be stronger for each other and for ourselves because of these. There are still many beautiful things to be observed besides all the obstacles we have to go through.

I will always be there for you to support you, because I know you know what your limits are and I am certain that you know what you yourself is upto. For the time being, start thinking positive. We really have to move on with life. Achieve what we wish to have before and made in our schooling days.

Girl, be strong...

Disobedient eyes...

Tonight, eyes betrayed me.

So much promises Ive done to myself, yet, is this time of the year, that I give myself an excuse to express what I really felt inside >>>> Tired, exhausted and hurt.

People often thinks Im afraid of nothing. NOTHING. Strong in the inside, hard as diamond outside, although there are some air in the head everyday meeting me.

Sometime, Im tired to think of all negative things happen in life. Im fed up with myself of keep motivating myself to walk on this life with courage and smile.

Sometime, I even felt, I have to hide my tears in order to be strong for others.

Sometime, I felt I dont want to show it out, because I know there is no point of doing it, because for others, I am strong.

Sometime, I felt my tears are just cheap longkang water, because no matter how it is shed, no one will appreciate it, no one would understand, no one would know how to wipe them from my face forever.

They do have a point. Because the tears shedded, can only be controlled by the individual herself.

But this time of the year, I think I do have an excuse of taking my own time to heal the hurt Ive been going on in my life. Just too much sorrow, that I have forgotten many beautiful things that happen in my life. Because the beautiful things just happened in the past.

Great things happen now, have to happen non-stop for a few years to really cover up whatever things that happen in the past.

But for this time, I needed a break, from being strong for anyone else, but myself.

I know, it gonna be hard because memories start to appear again although everytime, I bravely sweap them away.

I assure myself with lotsa things happen around me, that decision made is the best. That everything is perfectly alright.

But tonight, eyes betrayed me. Betrayed what had I believed in myself.

But im just exhausted. Is just a girl, that everyone thinks she is strong, felt lost and tired...

It happens again.

It just happen again although I tried hard to control. But it just no use controlling. Tears roll.

Tears just rolls when the song of Mayday hit me while reading what Purple had write in her elective report, the conclusion part.

" It was a very memorable trip, I would say. I gain more than I ever expected. We get closer to each other after this trip especially after mount Kinabalu climbing. We worked on hard and hold hand in hand to reach till the peak. The best thing that I gained is determination and motivation to reach till your goal. When you have decided something, you have to hold on strong to reach there even when you feel so tired and wanted to give up. However, always remember that there are always friends by your side that motivate you to move on. They will always be there to encourage you and help you to reach your goal.

It is just like our life in Bpharm course. It is never easy for us to reach and hold on until we graduate. There is always too much to study with too much pressure, either from ourselves, from parents or lecturers. However, everytime we will motivate each other not to give up no matter how. Eventhough we feel stress out and restless at times, the determination in us, motivates ourselves as well as people around us to strive on strong in Bpharm.

As souvenirs, we back to KL not only with sunburn and muscle aches but also great memories that will stay in us forever, that will hold us no matter how far we are distanced. That is the priceless souvenirs that anyone could ever get.

If someone ever asks me, will I visit Sabah again? The answer is a definitely a yes. It was the most enjoyable trip I have ever been and it will be an unforgettable memory for me, forever and ever."

* Have been edited to not to make it like a report*

I just couldnt stop my tears from falling tears. To see how the trip that I have been trying hard to pull everyone together as well as giving ppl most unforgetable memories, which I thought, it was all thrown into the drain, turn out to be something that still gives ppl that have joined the trip, a spark in their life whenever think back the trip.

Purple, you said Ive made you cry with my blog entitled: To PURPLE, I think this report of yours, made me cry. Made me misses you so much. Made me regreted I dint take many photos with you all. Reminded me of people that have left your life, let them leave cos the really good ones will stay on forever.

Terrorist have asked me to write an article for this trip, instead of making it like a report, I think I will write in my point of view. It will totally from me, Grace. And with you all great ones that make my life fuller!

really blank

What do I think now?
I have no idea.
For 2 weeks already since I slept deeply.
I havent been sleeping well these few days, on'ing my drama's 24 hours/day, sampai computer also show blue screne!

I know I have to be strong to counter all those negative feelings inside me.
From dunno how to start my 2-weeks oral presentation, to eating at very odd hours while grumbling bout my weight that terrifies operators in Pharmaniaga,
From getting money for my convo mag to an activity that I wanna make it happen,
From being clear with what I have to do to know what I wanna blog,
I think.... I have no idea what im blogging now.
Just because Im B-L-A-N-K now.

I just dunno what my heart wanna say and do.
All I want to do is sleep.
And eat.
And crap.

I know there are more people out there, which are more in need than I do,
But I dunno where my strength and drive to work.

People say Im strong. People say I should fear of nothing.
Wuahahahahahaha.... What a joke. I wonder what makes them think so.
A strong person is always an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's the reason why they say im strong?