U disappoint me.. And I just have to say, is up to here my trust.

This person, i took him as my brother. I took him as someone that I can trust. He knows about what happened between me and Archie, because I told him. I trusted him because he used to be mature for me.

But after this attachment, he will forever be deleted in my list of people I can trust. I even in a dilemma whether he should be consider as a friend or not.

I admit no one is perfect. But when i choose to be quiet and not happy with one thing, or even decide to blog about it, I assume people whom read it, whether is about them or not, will understand me. But not, rubbing into the problem to make it big.

I just think that this person is really too much. Yes, I was then mad at Yellow. And guess what, it went away the next day. But when I found out it was U, Mr Appeton who asked Yellow to read about it... U know what, u are rubbing into the problem. U are not helping at all and u do not know how to handle situation. In short, IMMATURE.

I dunno how do u used to make friends. Maybe for u, to solve the problem between me and Yellow is by showing her how mad I WAS to her. But u know what, mature ppl will want both sides not to be angry about it anymore. Mature ppl will tell Yellow about it in another way to avoid Yellow is mad at me. Mature ppl will tell me about that Yellow is angry because she read about it, and told me which part u are not agreeing with. Mature ppl want to see peace, but for u, u want to see war.

This blog belongs to me. I open a blog not to just keep my friends updated, but also to release anger, stess and what I do really think here. I wrote it here to accept critics but no intended to bad-mouth people. If i intend to bad mouth a person, I dont have to choose it here, with initials and names I gave. I should have put into Facebook. I shouldnt even keep my blog address secretive. If i were to act like u, I would have tell Catwoman what u talk about her at the back. If i were to act like u, I would have told you what others told me about u before and during the attachment.

To me, this blog is a place for me to express things I cant do it with real human beings. I wont delete the blog I have written because every single word is what I really felt at the point of writing. Why do i want to fake myself in front of my own blog, my own space, and also ppl whom I trust that I gave them my blog address?

I am being true to who am i. I dont want to raise it up because I dont want to make it an issue. Instead, I put in in my blog so that people that I trust can correct me, can criticise me, can give me another way of seeing things.

I also have to admit. I am not a perfect person either. I have my flaws, and for u, maybe more. But u know what, I dont keep flaws as an obstacle to let ppl know what I feel, instead of some other people, they just being a hypocrite, trying to please others. I dont need to please anyone. I just treat everyone as I really felt. No one is perfect, and I dont keep things long enough besides BETRAYAL. I never except betrayal in friendship. And this is what I call, betrayal.

I ever wonder should i make my blog a securitied one. Then, i told myself no. Because the point of me writing is to let my feelings out, not to create war. Anyone can just condemn me in their own blog, and I will have no hard feelings for it, because is their place where they are being themselves. As for me who read it, I would need to ponder about it, and try to make some adjustment on what I have been condemned.

All I wanted to say is, I will not be a hypocrite. I write something because I felt so at that time. I say something because I want you to know. And I treat u not because I want to have a good impression of me in you, but because I wanted to.

Is up to you how u see things. If u decide to tear the friendship up and treat me because want to avoid quarrels or just to "yeng fu" me, you know what, the thing is, Im gonna make the friendship tore apart. People that know me will know that I will never abandon my friends, never will act hypocritically towards my friends. But since U are not sincere enough, that's it, u have what u wanted, unsincerity from me.

I treat people individually. U are u. Ur friends are ur friends. I may dont like someone, but I hate hypocrites and I hate betrayals. And mind u, hate is a strong word. Im really piss this time.

Turn girlie or just be what I am right now?

Tonight, was another night burning night. Went out to get supper with Yoyo and Yellow. Intended to let my migraine take over me for a couple of hours, at least trying to figure out some PCI for my 22-medicated patient in ICU which Ive clerked 3 weeks ago.

Then, a good fren of mine, Penang, came chatting with me. It was nice of him to catch up with me. In the conversation, I told him how was i being pissed by Supergirl and Appeton. Then, we came to talk about Yellow, my partner for the attachment. But I never told Penang what I felt about Yellow recently. Because in everyone's heart, she is a delicate angel.

I felt so frustrated with Yellow as my partner. But yet, I felt guilt like treating her like that. I dont want to comment much. Maybe u all decide.

During the 1st rotation, we have to hand up 6 PCP. And she did her work very last minute. trust me. 2 days before evaluation, she only start to do her PCP.

So, 2nd rotation, i intend to motivate and push and scare her abit. MY 2nd rotation was quite heavy too. 6 PCP + 1 long case. The worse of all, my rotations are CVS, chest and ICU, which all, during the working days, u can barely sleep for 5 hours. The preceptors are so responsible that I was also trying hard to show some interest. But... CVS memang I beh tahan le... I SUX to max. Well, nvm... Ill catch up with the Ipohchis soon for group discussion.

So, the very first week, after chest rotation, I told myself to finish all 2 chest PCP during the weekends, because the cases are still fresh with me. Well, i did remind my partner to start doing. 1st saturday, she spent by reading online story book and she decide to do it on the next day. However, the next day, she only manage to finish doing her diary for that week. So, Week 1 = 0 PCP + 1 dairy done.

2nd week was hell, it was CVS. No matter how much i try to show interest, i think it bores me to death. THe preceptor was so geng that he is the first CVS consultant pharmacist in Malaysia. And yes...I know im terrible. I cant even think of the medication for gout. Cant even try to get out with an answer. But nevertheless, I did try to find all he want us to find every day, sacrificing my beauty sleep. Only sleep less than 20 hours in 5 days. After friday, i was relieved. But again, i told myself I have to at least finish the 2 PCP for CVS because it is still fresh in mind how my patients are. So, i lock myself in house. Of course, i dint only work. I played with my games when i cant think straight. I watch movies to destress and still make my own meals. What my partner did? Friday, she went out yamcha. IM ok with it. Because im tired to persuade her anymore. Saturday, she did her 3 days diary for the week. THen, sunday, she finish her diary and did 0.5PCP. So, Week 2 = 1 dairy + 0.5 PCP done.

She was thinking she can do all her 6 PCP in 3 days. Which i have to salute her if she really can. She only tell me that she is tired. She want to sleep. She want to go out to buy some food. To buy supper. But.... her work, are all left unattended. Aih... I know I have no say in this. But what piss me is she ask me questions that I dunno how to answer her. she somesort asking me the PCP for her patient. Commonla...I dont even know the condition of the patient. How can I comment. These are some dialogues I had with her today: A day where I am also busy with my work. Try to crack my brain why the 22 medication were given

Y:Pinky, I want to ask u ah. U see my patient had past medical hx of DM. Then, in ward, her glucose level is 7-8mmol for 2 days. But no antidiabetic drug was given oh. Should I suggest give insulin?
Pinky: Yes, u can ah.
Y: But I cant find the dosage.
Pinky: U can find it in Lexicomp ma.
Y: but oh, she was not even given any antidiabetic medication for his condition before admitting oh.
Pinky: Impossible ah... cos DM sure will give medication de ma.
Y: Yalo..So, i was thinking is there any staging in DM. Maybe his DM is still too mild.
Pinky: But if he is diagnosed with DM, takkan no medication meh? If no medication, u can write as PCP already a...
Y: ya hoh... but oh... doctor write that patient do take medication but dunno what the medication is for and patient forget to take the medication for the doctor for identification.
Pinky: So?
Y: So how ah?
Pinky: Im not your patient. How can I answer you? *little giggles with a tone of irritation*
Y: then, should i give insulin to my patient in ward?
Pinky: I dont know ur patient's condition. I cannot comment.
Y: But i need your opinion.
Pinky: if u think got no contraindication, u can suggest ma.
Y: if this is your patient, what would u do?
Pinky: Ill check if this level of glucose is caused by any medication or is there indication to remain the glucose at that level.
Y: Ya hoh... I rmb one of the drug can cause hyperglycaemia. But I cant remember which already.
Pinky: haha {inside me, im pissed. I was concentrating on my 22 drugs. and suddenly, this interuption, i have to restart to link and find where I left behind.}
Y: But if i give insulin oh, the guideline say, the first line is OHA oh. How ah?
Pinky: U just answer the question on your own. Just say give OHA first and then keep monitoring lo.
Y: ya hoh... What are u doing ah?
Pinky: My PCP with 22 medications.
Y: Har? U havent finish meh? Just use Micromedex la.
Pinky: not everything in micromedex u can believe ah.
Y: why not?
Pinky: U have to reason out why. And what to alter ma.
(then she starts to look into my cases)
Pinky: aiya... u dont see la. U still have 3 PCP to do with 1 long case. Go and do your work la.
Y: Im scared oh.

*And she left. And i guess she knew I was disturbed*

Not only that,
today again she asked me when im in the middle to recall my ICU patient that I have left behind because of the break,

Y: Pinky ah, i want to ask u oh. U see this, on D3, the albumin level is high oh. And Drug A will cause hyperalbuminaemia. Should I just suggest to stop the medication.
Pinky: If i were you, i dont think that is a PCI. U dont have a basal value and how do u know it was the drug that cause the hyperalbuminaemia. How strong is the side effect is?
Y: *SILENCE for a minute to think* Then, how ah?
Pinky: Then, dont do anything la. because u also dunno whether is the drug that cause the deviation, or actually, it had reduced?
Y: Ya oh.. But this Drug A will cause hyperalbuminaemia.
Pinky: then, u can decide then.
Y: then, what will u decide?

ARGH ARGH ARGH....
Is not that i dont want to answer her question.
1st, she asked question that is so TINY small and not prominant.
worst of all, she ask when im in the MIDDLE of concentration that I needed so much!

Today, i also trying to figure out wic road will have less traffic jam home so that we can save some time. Instead, she asked me whether I was in a hurry or not. ARGHHHHH.... I was just being nice to see if there is a way to reduce the time on road so we can have more time at home to do work.

Oh god... Please... IF I have to change to be such girlie to have a bf, I rather be a nun forever. I cant stand it. Waste time. Poor time management. Interupt others at critical point asking questions that are *DUH*.

She really make me felt so guilty for being so cold to her when she asked me for favour. But I cant help it. Im busy. I have my things to be done. Why should I do ur PCP for you? Why should i decide for your patient? Why should i cover your patient too? Why am I sacrificing my chill out time and in the end, I have to do work in a hurry because of interruption? why?

I know everyone is not perfect. and that includes me. But can I just not feel guilty this time?

Pieces women

Which is quite true which i have to admit.

She likes to be in a dream world than to be in reality.
She is weak and sensitive when it's come to "Love".
She can cry if her best friend is breaking up, and she can be over excited when her friend gets a new boy friend who is a good looking and rich even it is nothing concerned her at all. You might be surprise to see that she is shy just because she is in love.
She loves small animal and gifted in training animals.

She has sixth senses and she can guess what will happen next, it's her nature.
Even she has a good sixth senses, she can not pick or foreseen her own choice of lover.
She can not tell if she meet a sincere guy or a one night stand guy.

She likes to buy and pick her own cloths.
She likes to dress cute and be cute.
Pisces woman tend to be a good looking woman and she has a nice skin.
Her hands and feet are small and soft.
Pisces woman loves to shop for shoes as if she collects them.
She is a hot lady that everyone wants her.
Whether she has a man in her life or not, she will never try to over powered any man. It's not even in her thought.

She thinks man can handle things better, and she will make her man feel that way.
She is an easy going person, so being with her is easy.
She is a confident woman and likes to make people who stay with her happy.
She knows how to please and how to comfort a man.
If something is wrong, she will try to make other people belief that it's must be because of someone else, not because of her love one. She will not push her man to be ambition but to make him feel like he should be happy with the way he is now.
She is happy with you for what you are now.

A Pisces woman , if she has a bad childhood, she will always remember it and it will make her a very unhappy person.
She will pity herself and feel sorry for herself.
She tends to hurt herself with out knowing it and so vulnerable to drugs (real drugs or just sleeping pills). She has many choices and you can never tell which path she going to take.
If you love her , then hold her tight because she never knows why she did what she did or what she will do next.

A complex character. You may think she is a shy innocent type and can not hurt anyone, then you are wrong.
You might think she is a fragile person who needs protection, wrong again. She has been through a lot, a tough cookie.
She is a dreamer and love the word "Love", so she is the type who will buy gift for anyone for any occasion, especially if it is a gift for wedding or an anniversary even for someone who she does not know so well.

Be very careful if fall in love with Pisces woman.
She can be a total different person before and after*.
She can be an angle before and later a witch*, but everyone is not perfect, right?
She will be soft and gentle most of the time, so not to worry.
She is emotional and extremely sensitive when she frequently got hurt.
She is the type who can cry her heart out.

She can have a secret fear inside, when she says she does not need anyone.
She badly needs someone to protect her, but sometimes she can hide that feeling by being stubborn. She likes to hide her shyness and her weakness from her enemy.
She does not like to follow any fixed rules.
She can be a good housewife if you know how to handle her.

Many men will ask to marry her because she is a 100% woman. If she wants to be sweet, she is a real angles.

*Except those in italics

I wish upon the christmas star...

I hopefully wish upon the christmas star that what I am missing all these while will come true. Yet, I know is impossible. But dear God, lead me out. Ive been consciously and continuously have him on my mind.

Shaking my head.

Currently attached in KK with a bunch of batchmates. I was hoping that this attachment gonna be enjoyable, no princess-like attitude, no aunty-ahsam atiitude, no boasting, but one whole gang that can chit and chat like old friends.

Again, I was wrong. It was indeed a huge difference between friends you make in Form 6 for 2 years and also Uni frens that you know them for 4 years. Huge difference. Sometime, they even made me felt that friends that were studying in public university is totally different on private university friends. They differ in thinking, talking and socialising.

Tonight, yes, im simply annoyed. Not by anyone. Just by the topic "relationship". I just dont understand why my uni friends thinks that relationship topic is so interesting? For me, is just a news. Not more than that. But for my uni friends, especially those just started new, in public, people around them also get excited {duh.... u guys are not his/her parents}, and friendship change [which until now I have no idea why friendship will change when my uni friends got together that they even dont talk to me anymore. Well, i couldnt care much. It was them who chose to give me up].

Oh why do we have to end up talking this topic everytime we have outing together? And to be frank, i dont like certain part of the conversation.

I dont like someone to show off that he is more powerful than the girlfriend. "The most important thing that I will NEVER EVER show my gf is my laptop and handphone. Miss A, when do you want to give me your porn? I have set a password to prevent my gf from seeing the content of my handphone and laptop. This is my first love and is hers too.blah blah blah"

Walao! I cant even imagine he say that. If you guys know him, I bet you'll be sure he was just simply boasting. U keep mentioning how sweet u both together, how trustable to each other. So, cut the crap. I bet your gf only simply say wanna see, ull let her see lo. So, dont talk so loud. U really irritate me.

I just dont understand why everytime also need to talk about relationship. It should be a friends' outing, and i dont mind if u bring it up at the right time, but... is just too much. Just tell me, an outing of all 7 of us, "relationship" is never a topic. And that is why when they start talking, ill keep quiet. For me, their way of seeing "love" is really different from me.

"Woman will SACRIFICE more in a marriage" - Shut up. If you think you sacrifice, then, dont get married. You get married, is just simply you cant live without the other. Is not a MUST you must marry him for the sake of sacrifice.

"For me to marry him, he MUST have a diamond ring for proposal" - I understand that is once in your life time to get married [which everyone hopes so], but imagine, if your partner cant fulfil that, but need to sell all he has to get you the ring, would you still want to marry a man with a ring, and then, nothing left behind or with a ring which has no diamond, but he is always there for u after marriage? Is a diamond ring so importamt that you'll jeopardise the man you love? Yes.. Is always good to hope, but dont put too much pressure to your partner. What if he tells you, to fit into the ring, you can only marry me when your weight is 40kg? You have your hope on him, so as him. Spare yourselves =)

I also dont like my batchmates to do match making. Well, is ok if you know that both have feelings. The problem is, you only know that one has feelings, but you never know that because of you "hoping" the two will get together, give the other pressure. Im happy that you care. But sometimes, love that blooms itself is the best. Moreover, whether they can be together or not, is non of our business. That's why I was so rude to you that day.

I am a type that I will be happy for people that get along together, and happy. All I want to know is you both are happy and that's all. I dont think I wanna know the whole story of your love life. Keep it to yourself. Dont boast on your new relationship. Is just too early to say anything. Moreover, time is not a factor in relationship.

I can only say, well, maybe not all, but a few, have totally different looking on relationship. Relationship comes in 2 ways, and not 100 ways. You dont have to let others affect you. You dont have to discuss with people that have never ever met your partner. And marriage build on materials, I wish you all good luck. For me, the feeling of LOVE matters most, because with LOVE, both of you will figure out how to make things go right, and that's it.

Dont complicate life too much since is so complicated already.

I dont know what im doing

His image keep prompting into my brain.
How I wish I could take things back in time.
oh God, please let me be clear.

Christmas wish 2009

It just happened again, just that im not fortunate enough to make it happen again.
So close yet so far, that is the best phrase to describe it.

I NEVER ever thought of meeting him again after that night meeting him up. Never. Especially when im doing an attachment in somewhere he used to be, but no longer here anymore.

I never thought of meeting him or even hear that he is in town. But it did happened. Sustagen saw him. And Sustagen told me to let me prepare myself if I happen to meet him.

No doubt, I did try to bump into him. Try so hard, maybe that suddenly I start to question myself on how much Ive let go. Did I let go? Do I still love him?
I was never intended to be in PLACE A tonight. I was expected to have a german meal with a group of newly made friends in PLACE K. From the names, you can see how these 2 places are apart from each other. Then, Appeton, our loyal “driver” cum walking dictionary, told us that he was tired. So, we decide to eat around our home, PLACE Z. But things complicate again.

Our promised 24-hour of activated internet, never came to us. Done everything. I was even lazy to call the dealer again, until Appeton came to us in nerves! He is blacklisted. He was so so so nervous that we have to calm him down. Because of that call, I have to make another call, which in the end, I have to go to PLACE A again, rejecting the invitation to PLACE K.

Went to PLACE A. Settle things when I have to call sustagen. Sustagen, directly told me that she just met him in front of her and told me to be ready to might meet him. I start to look around. I start to hope, to see him again. From Sustagen, the girl she described was not her. Is the news that he broke up was true?

I don’t like this at all. Dilemma. See him. Not to see him. Wanted to see him. Fear to see him.

Why do I care?

Why do I hope to see him when I know he is around?

Why do I still can pick myself up again and ready to fall for someone else again?

Why do I still felt so much when I knew he was no longer the person I knew?

Why when im leaving this world of his, things make me think is possisble? With the help of God…

Why am I tortured like this?

I just don’t want to think anymore. I just want to totally leave it to God. TOTALLY.
God, I sincerely pray.

Please grant this Christmas wish. Ive been a good girl all year long.

The last night...

This is the last night ill be spending my days in my hometown, a place where it reminds me of love, strength, loyalty and also hurt.

This homecoming was indeed unforgetable. Why? Because of him...
Prayers answered. Wish half fulfilled and secretly another wish is planted.

1 Malaysia. That was the place. 14 November 2009. That was the date. 7pm. That was the time. Nicolesukiboys and Octopy. That were the people.

Is the 2nd time I met him after saw him at the opposite road once I touched down from plane.

After the first time meeting him, I texted plar bear. I told her my second wish, to see him face to face, and talk to him.

Wish granted. I was so excited seeing those food serve on that night. Buffet steamboat, with chocolate founduer, your self make ABC, lots of dadih. Great people to eat with. Just that it was too heaty in that fully-cramped air-con restaurant. And there he was, with his colleague.

Adrenaline rush all filled me up. My hunger lost. My appetite lost. And i end up not eating up as much as I have paid. Nicolesukiboys say that he might have see me cos he is just a table beside the table behind me. I was in a dilemma that should I actually say Hi. And of course, i turned down Nicolesukiboys and Octopy for their offer to get my food (yeah.... my wish came true. Why shouldnt I grab it?)

Went to get some food. Passed by his table. He dint looked up too. But we then bumped into each other when he also got up to take some food. Taken the initiative to say Hi first.

He offer his hand for a hand shake. And the warmth of the palm, that i think im missing it now. He asked about my whereabouts and I was too updating on his whereabouts. Spontaneously, I offer his hand for a shake for his graduation recently. He knew im going to be posted in KK for 3 months for a practical from Aanhry. And i knew he is in SDK.

I then, was grabing all the watermelons whereas he was grabbing all the pineapples. Then, told him that I need to "prepare" my own dadih. So, I went away. And return to my seat. So as him.

Got up another time to get some ice cream. This time, when i pass by, he dint look up either.. Then, when we finally decide to go, he looked up, and ask if im leaving and i said "yea..".. and patted on his shoulder saying "take care".

That night was a remarkable one. What happened that night still lingered around my mind. Did I say something wrong [saying that I hope I dont wanna come back to SDK, without telling him the reason. But I told him Ill be in Sabah though. Have I said something wrong? Was my face so oily that can fry nuggets? {he said I dint changed although I insisted I was fatter and darker}.. Should I leave that fast for the dadih? Should I have try to talk more when he told me it was hard in working world? Should a word of attention given to him?Arghh...... I just dunno. But what I know is, he should know that im not mad at him at all. That's something to be pleased of myself.

However, nothing had changed after that night. Will my second wish come true once more?

Was this all alrite?

I keep on wondering, was what I did was correct?
I wonder if the decision made was right for myself?
I wonder how could I get rid of all these unwanted feelings.
I wonder and I wonder.
I wish I knew the answer.

Simply a waste

oh gosh... was hoping I can at least start to type in the word "introduction" into a wordfile named "thesis", but still fail to do so. I wonder why.

End up getting up at 11am in the morning, due to imsomnia last nite, went to meet up with mentee and again, forgot to pass him my softcopies on the spot. So, he has to come all the way down again to meet this careless mentor of his. kesian...

Went to a briefing, which I think is a waste of time, but oh well, is the ONLY reason that can make me get up from my bed as early as 11am! Then, joined a group of friends to "witness" something that makes me think, at least, in this batch, i see someone working hard on something that belongs to each other. Enjoyed that moment. And i simply love Minnie! She was so cute! So cute! Well Equipped! And is willing to do anything just to make the photoshooting session works! Minnie, Im always your fan! And I salute and respect you for what u have done for the batch by putting your egoness aside.

Went home walking in the rain. And came home with a bit of hunger, and start chomping my oatmeal biscuit. Nasty taste? Not really.. It is filled with apples! =) Yummy. Felt like playing my games so that can keep me awake and I can read my journals, but end up, sleep sweet peace on my little bed. Damn comfy.

Dead sleep for 1 hour, before relunctantly got up, cleaned myself up, and start preparing my dinner, which i called: Greens with patches of white. LOL... simply just some leaves with eggs that are yolk-removed. Added some italian sauce and wraps the dinner of with some honey, donated by Terrorist. Yummm~

Then, Purple came to me. Did some ammendments on the trip that we are going to have next week. Chocolate came to me too, to tell me that he is interested with one of the post that I posted in facebook, and HOLA~ chatting and negotiation session starts.

Multitasking, as usual. My daily dose of laughter from game show is on my right hand top of my lappie, my msn on the right hand bottom, middle was my journal that i intend to read, and the most left hand site, with lotsa tabs of email, facebook, web that give me info on the activity im going this nov.

Terrorist came back from her dinner without my fries =( because they dint passed by any mcD on the way. Purple keep asking me to call for delivery, which i insisted a NO, because of money, and also the "FATNESS" of my tummy. But i was so craving for it. Then, some friends turn up in my MSN, because i appear "busy". nvm... i still have time for them. Is rude to cut them off as soon as they find me. They are important to me.

15mins to 11, was swallowing my remaining oat biscuit with a cup of choc milk, Terrorist came to me and say she is hungry. Gosh.. She wanted mc Flurry instead. And so... called mc DOnalds.... there goes my money and fat, buttt butt butt... at least my craving is answered :wink But after spending Rm1.70 of that call, i was told: Moi.. McD dekat kamu dah tutup jam 10 malam la. Sungai Besi McD tak ada delivery.... aih... bad news again.

Despite the hunger, as well as thoughts of food, I negotiated with the person in-charge of that workshop via email. He's the one ive been emailing the most for this week. My supervisor also dont get that much of mails from me. After much negotiation through email, i finally reduced the fee from RM90 to RM80! IS a hell alot u know! Istead of paying RM630 for 7 people, im paying RM 640 for 8 person! Hooray. I guess tat was the only good thing i did today.

Wanting to continue my 2nd journal, yet the number of pages horrifies me. But :(, i forced myself to go through it. So, like a scanning machine, am looking for the keywords to my thesis, before Chocolate turn up again ;)

Manatau, sambil scan, sambil chat. A sentence of 10 words, i have been reading like 5 times, yet, still tak paham what it says. Adoi....

Scan through the whole 11 pages, and what i get for my thesis? >>>>>>> TIAADAAAAAAA :(

So, tak ada mood, cos read 2 journals, 2 also not much info. So, decide to make the payment for the activity, and hooray, i still got enough money in that account. Have to bank in for my rental tomorrow though my hsemate havent pay me. aih... what a sad life.

What have i done today? >>>>>>>>>>>>> Just spelled N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And tmr? Im out for a movie, Poker King! ;) Thesis oh thesis...

Shanate, a new blog

It was after my long-waited-stressing presentation, I decide to give myself a "expensive" way of relaxing, by paying someone to do so for me, together with my months'ly dose facial.

Went to the mall alone, paying the bills as I will be leaving KL very soon and lots of things to settle before I left this place and everyone dont really think what they have to do when Im not around. Going from banks to banks, just to transfer money from one account to another account, and also is the time that hit me saying: Stop your crave for any food.

Pre-decided wanted to settled with my daily food- maggie mee after the facial, yet, sudden craving for meat arised. Ignored the balance sheet that the ATM machine printed out, I went to splurge my crave with a kinda-expensive-yet-so-so dinner. [The meat was alrite, grilled to my perfection, yet, the size, was pathetic for me].

Went home alone, on that never-punctual LRT. Stood on the station, alone, reading every single word displayed on the advert TV [yea.. I guess they put it up just to make it as if they are upgrading their service]. Stood for more than 30mins, and listened to the apologies made by the company 4 times in the station. Well, cut the crap for the apologies, and give us the train THAT WE WANT!

Walking extremely fast to reach home, as I was alone and is 15 minutes to midnight, I told myself to start with my thesis. "Not a single word was typed. Believed me". That is what I told everyone that ask how was my progress with my thesis.

So, came home, and wanting to start reading up, when i decide to do my daily lappie routine: Check emails. Well, you know... sometimes, email can be amusing, relaxing, and sometime, deteriorating your time. Why? Because when u open notification emails... AHA~ There is where it will get me.

Was face'booking awhile when mentee came up and chatted with me, and also Hungry came up and ask me on a few things on the trip that I and purple had planned. THen, decided to clear some "favourites" in my favourite tabs, so to increase the space for more of my drama stock for the next 3 months.

Then, I came across a blog site which I saved, by my kindergarden mate, Shanate. Click on it... and that's it. No thesis for tonight again.

Shanate, is a girl, which my mom knows her mom.. [yah... Sandakan is just too small]. Dont really know shanate cos.. common.. do you expect me to remember all my kindergarden school friends when i was just like 3 years old? I should be busy differentiating which is more important, grilling a grasshopper that me and my brother just caught, or burning the white hairs that Ive plucked from my aunt's head, afraid that they will be blown away by wind?

Reading through her blog, it just reminds me on certain aspect that i wanted to blog it. But sometime, especially nowadays, many friends access to my blog, it seemed like I felt restless telling people who am I really is now.

Scrolling down pages and pages of her blog, amazed me to a point that, she really blogs about what she is up to and what she did, just for the sake of her distanced friends all around the world. Now... this make me think.

Maybe all these while, i was just abusing this site, as a person to hear me whinning, crying, scolding, and you named it all, all-negative-thingy about this site, til this site, is a site which can actually make you cry when you needed something to trigger you.

There were so much things in Shanate's blog that I wanted to write, is what i felt , and is what i hope to write it out, but I just dont have the feel to do it so. In the end, there it goes, my blog is just a whinning place for me.

Shanate, is somesort like me, in a way. She's brilliant. She famous in her high school for being a pretty nerd. Just that she is too quiet, cute, and richer than I do. Sometime, I wish I could be like Shanate. Just a simple girl, not so tall, hugable size, good in drawings [man.. i sux to max], staying in a country that I would prefer than where am I now.

Whenever I see those friends that are born with what-all-girls-dream-of, I admit, I am jealous. Good looks. Staying overseas and continue persuing what she believes, without the need or thinking to provide for the family. Is Rich that she can buy whatever she wants, go wherever she wants, do whatever she like. Having a boyfriend. No worries on what will happen if she is not here one day. Just purely, a simple, yet have-it-all girl. [Maybe because she had it all, that's why she's simple?]

Until I came to a word termed as "thankful". Yea... I just have to be thankful for what ive gone through, whom Ive met with, and who am I now.

If I were rich, I wouldnt have to be this strong now. [which is good right?]
If I were studying overseas, I wouldnt have meet people that makes me who am I now, and they are worth it to be kept.
If I have a boyfriend now, God knows when Im starting my thesis? [especially if he is my type]
If I have good looks, hmm... can we skip this?

The word "IF" sure is powerful.

Miracles

Not even a single nap since yday 12pm. Eyes are still widely open. But not tired. Wanted to do my ever-unfinish work, yet, I have no mood to do it.

Glancing through the pictures, I saw it. I saw the change. And i knew it had changed long ago. I know it wasnt as before, and to be as before, I can only pray for punishments.

or perhaps a miracle?

Maybe is just something nice about it that I want to hear, one day, in which i secretly hoped the soonner, the better.

5 years instead of 500 days.

Today, 4 of us went to catch a movie, shown only in TGV cinema, named "500 days in summer". We were so fed up or you could say, sein with our daily routine, [although there are so much to work on], we decide to catch a movie. Instead of going to the "meatball" movie, we watched this movie which was rated the best romance comedy in year 2009. Erm.. if you ask me, I would probably say yes, is even better than The Ugly Truth. Why? It reflects so much on my life! Darn~

In the movie, from the start to the end of the show, came out 3 names that are so familiar with my own story, Archie, Her and Me. Damn. I just dont want to see any of those.

The story, was almost like my story, because I resemble the feelings of the main actor. Well, the main actress is exactly like Archie. And so am I, exactly like Tom. My relationship with Archie is, I can say, 95% similar, except that cut out the S word, and also the cheating word from the movie. Besides that, the main significant difference would be the duration. Everything happen to Tom in 500 days, while I took 5 years. Complete 5 years. Is the count still running? I have no idea, I think.

I guess Summer made a point when she say that: I couldnt found that certainty in you. I guess, when is not the time, even if is the right person, it is just no belong to you.

For a few days, ive been thinking whether should I wish him a happy graduation. I prayed hard, because I dont want to be hurt again or I myself is leading myself to a dead end. And i think, this movie gave me an answer.

"Is not fate. Is just there is no certainty in life. Why miss out the chances when you had the opportunity?"

I just hope that what im gonna do next, will not be a regret of my life. And yes, I still believe that God is in control of EVERYTHING. Just have to continue to be strong and be myself.

When can I find my Autumn?