Do I have a problem expressing myself?

Was I rude? Or was I not clear?
Do I have a problem expressing myself? Or is just simply I was dumb?
Why people treat me so, is because they couldnt care how I felt, or simply I was thinking too much?

Ive seen friends coming back to me, patching up the loosen friendship nowadays. And I had always said, they are always welcomed to come back, when they want to. Am happy with them, cos they admit they are wrong and came back before is too late. I forgive and forgets. And i can say, im pretty good at it.

Today was somesort a very strange day. From me, was being damn happy when I am posted at Sabah to someone that the coordinator thinks I AM blaming her. No doubt, I was upset when my mom protect IMU so much when I raise some concern on the attitudes of our lecturers. From educating their students to deny God in public, to become the dictator for the students. All I wanted was just someone, raising their rights to the people, though, the said might not be entertained, but yet, the party will get to know how to be more careful or thoughtful next time.

I was excited when a friend of mine, Hitz, told me that Sabah Hospital is confirmed having us posted there. Hitz even have to calm me down, when my mind, starts to have some wild plans for the posting as well as to have fun, with my friends in Sabah, and with those going there with me. I was so excited that Hitz have to warn me again and again, not to say this until the list for posting is out.

Then, a day before the list is out, the news is spread. Timmy and a few fellow friends that will be posted back to Sabah and Swak, decided that we should raise some concern to our lecturers before their last meeting, so that, they can think of what they can do to address to our concerns.

Meeting Lecturer 1, for me, is a complete failure. Why? Because, she did not address it at all. She did not let us have a clear view on what is going on, and what they have done this. Why couldnt they tell us earlier that we might be posted so we dont have to spend thousands on pre-bought air tickets? Why cant we be forewarn? And the most funny thing is, the first question that comes our from Lecturer 1 is: How do you know all these hosp are confirmed? And is too late to do anything now. Why should we be kept knowing nothing, until the time when we cannot do anything else but just have to obey? We understand that the hospitals in West might not be sufficient to fit us all. But if you want me to accept that, that is the only way for us to graduate, whether you want it or not to be posted in KK, I will start to doubt your professionality.

You taught us professionalism. Is it professional to not to do some planning for future?
You taught us to be competent. Is it wrong to know what is going on and come out with the best solution we can have, instead of JUST ACCEPTING it, and go on?
You taught us to be rational. Is it wrong that we want a valid reason on why we are informed this late?
You taught us love. Is it wrong that we booked air-tickets back home for the love ones, when we are only back twice a year?
You taught us negotiation. Is it correct that we just accept what you have planned and ask nothing that we are doubting?

We are promised for lots of things before we came in. But everytime, when is time for our batch to do something, and when is not successful, they will say that is too huge our batch is. If that is the case, why did u accept so many of us at the first place? Cant u see the problem coming? Is this what we call responsibility? Are empty promises the things we get when our parents are paying 26k/year for our fees? When the students are shinning brightly outside, they will come into our class and boast on how good their PROGRAM is. They are not giving me a feeling that they are proud of their every single students. They are just proud of their program.

I really dont wanna fight for anything intially. I just want a reasonable reason on why am I not being informed earlier that I MIGHT be posted back? I just want them to admit that they are wrong. Itu saja. Tak banyak. 1 sentence onyl. That's why, I accepted to write that letter. The letter head, was my name. My ID. And friends signed for the memorandum.

Money wasnt my concern at all. Even if they gave me a chance to choose whereever I want, Sabah or maybe Swak (cos i never been there before, is nice to explore abit when I have frens there), are my top priorities with no hesitation.

I was so pissed when i hear that the Lecturer 2 is not even keen to give us an explaination as well as an apology, I raised it to my mom. After raising it to my mom, I just simply can say, Malaysian, will prefer swallowing other's fault, although they are in the light. For them, swallowing is better than creating a so-called chaos when you are fighting for what we should be given. I was so damn angry when mom still protects the Uni and said nothing at all. I tell her how disappointed I am with the lecturers and Uni for promising empty promises with the amount of money she is paying. hellooooo people......Is NOT 26 cents/year. is 26k! And now, we have to bear another few thousands lost because the uni is not gonna subsidise us the tickets as well as tickets that we have bought, all have to be forfeited. All I just want is a simple explanation on what had happpened or maybe just a simple apology.

Lecturer 2 came in today to meet us up. I was all soft hearted when she apologise, and thought the meeting would end early, so, i can get a quick lunch before my next meeting. Then, after her first slot of the speech, no one was talking. And she was looking at me. I guess she knows who is B0607055, who's name was written on the letterhead. So, i calmly told her that: I am glad im being posted back, but it would be better if we could have know it earlier. And that's when chillies and ginger all came in.

I was being snapped when i was telling what i really felt. I was being stop from continuing my sentence when I was trying so hard to let her know, Im not blaming her, I just hope they can know they can do this in future to avoid same mistakes again. I tried to give up talking because all my other fellow friends in the hall, about 13 of them are not talking. And ended up, the lecturer 2, was talking all her excuses (with her still thinking that I still blame her) directly looking at me. I dont wanna look at her way, hoping that she would turn her eyes to someone else. Instead, I was only the one she looked at!

I remained silent. And she kept apologising. And again, i have to tell her again and again,that was not what I meant. All I want, is her apology and she did it. Enough. But she still has a tone that she believe im still upset with her and blame her for not telling us earlier. Is very obvious she dint get what I wanted to say. Is very obvious she is thinking im blaming her. is obvious, I AM the ONLY ONE talking, and others remained silent, watching a drama there. maybe hoping for a fight or maybe hope that she will sacked me before i grad?

At last, what ive tried to do whole afternoon, came into an end. She finally get what i really meant. And she finally told all the things that have made her not to leak the news out. Again, i told her, I only wish it could be told earlier. That's all.

But after today's discussion, I start to think again. Friends that I think they will speak up, or at least looking at how hard ur frens is fighting for all of u guys' concern, whether u had heard the lecturers excuses or not, cant you just voice ur heart out? I was trying so hard to voice it out. Cant u see that I have to take the blame for raising it up? Why do u guys wanna leave me alone to fight on a fight that I am not affected at all? Why do u guys give me a feeling you guys care not while I was the one leading the pack to bring u guys against them? Why do u guys said nothing at all for me, or at least try to help me tell the lecturer what I was actually meant? Why do u guys want me to risk my own reputation for you all? Why cant you all just say a word to save me from the lecturer blaming me alone? and worst of all, Why should I do it for you guys when this is not a matter for me even from the beginning?

Guess... Im just pretty stupid. Too stupid to actually risk getting back my grastric after I get my fist bite of the day at 7.30pm. I just choose to trust the wrong people again. I just thought that people would wanna raise their concern would have done together with me in the war. Instead, I was left all alone, shot to death, while my "friends" are watching. I think, I really have to stop giving hope on my Uni friends. Especially those I have encountered today. I fell once, I hope I will never fall again. They have just disappoint me from time to time.

Timmy came back to me, with tears in her eyes, i can see, that she is terribly sorry for not saying anythg, but she cried. At least the tears that I was shedding because of disappointment on friends that are not helping me to talk and watch me die when i was talking to the lecturer, did make someone realised she was wrong and admitted it. This is what people should be doing. When they are being told they are wrong, accept it, and apologise, and never do this again to anyone else.

Somehow, is not ALL uni friends are bad. I know who to keep, at least. And dont worry, I can judge on my own, who are my friends and who are not.

Morale of the story: Choose your friends wisely. U give me up, so will I. Again, you make me give you up, i will not do anything to give myself false hope again. Im sorry. Im just simply hurt. That's all...

I dont need anything from anyone. I just hope and prayed that this bunch of batchmates, one day can be someone that I always think they are, someone that I still can trust. But I guess, it will still gonna be a long way. I wonder if i got to have that chance seeing them so.