Alalala... not now please..

Ive just made a decision to be strong, is not the time now that makes me move my feet away from the strong stone that I made!!!!

Early in the morning, check my fb because Baby reply me on fb. Manatau... saw the face that i tot I will never see in my Wall! Though not saying anythg relate to me, but i wished he would just never pop his pic on my wall, by tagging his friends that I know! Arghh... hari lain tak jadi nampak, hari ini, 2 kali nampak! Haih... I dont want to see ler... Not the time eh...

Early in the morning also, i received an email from a friend. She told me that she was sad seeing her dear friend drifting on a path that the friend shouldnt be taking at the very first place. She asked me how to help her friend. That friend of hers, turned out to be someone I know well too. Haih... I just dunno how to help both of them.

Looking blankly at my notes. Left 6 more days. Yet, felt so heavy or not even a single drive was there to push myself to study. Mentor left me a note saying that CPK is gonna be tough. I still felt restless...

Mood ah Mood. Come home lar. Only need u for 14 days jek. Later u can go else where. Please... come back so that I can be strong for everything. Is TERRIBLE feeling helpless...

This day a year ago..

Was gloomy these few days, trying to fight against the feeling of not thinking what happened this few days, exactly a year ago, as well as battling within self to get ready for my EOS.

Surprisingly, not a single tear drop until the very last hour of tonight. Tears fell because I know there is nothing much can be done, except prayer heals as well as hoping prayers do change him.

Often we heard that when a relationship ends, keep the happy memories. But yet, I found that because of the happy moments I kept, making me more dwell to the problem, and making it hard for me to move on. Making me resistant to keep more happy moments that I can have with others.

Marchy was right that there is no point putting so much tears onto a past relationship that dint worked out. It was the past. Get up and walk on with life, and discover more things beside you that you have obmitted all these while of grieving. If he/she belongs to you, God is in control and will lead him/her back to you. Nothing is sharper than God's love for his children. He gave us burdens because He knew we could take them WITH HIM in-charging the whole process..

"Why do we wanna get ourselves so down with something that almost 100% of people on this earth cannot control?" Horlicks once said to me.

"Why do you wanna put so much tears on someone that the heart is not in again? Now, is not the time for that because no matter what u do, that person's heart is not there. The only thing that can penetrate his/her heart, is God's power. Let God penetrate into ur life as well as life of the ones you love. Let Him guide us all through this life", that's what Joy told me.

I always link things happen to me as being God is hinting something to me. This picture was taken in which a year ago, at that hour, was my last time meeting Archie. Today, the sky was red and purple. It was really a nice scene. Red symbolise Love and Purple, care. Am reminded that God is Love and Care. He is watching us every moment and be there for us.

Thus, I made a small prayer to God, for myself, family, jimuis, friends and also Archie, may today, be a new start for all nightmares we have gone through. May all be well and happy, and God is ever in control...

Am I brave enough this time?

Food for easter...

Admit that was being moody for a few days edi. Need something to cheer me up! So, what do I want for Easter? *not only on Easter, but if possible, everyday :)* This is what I want to telan :

...

...

...

...

SOMETIME, God breaks our spirit to save our soul...

SOMETIMES, He breaks our heart to make us whole...

SOMETIMES, He let us feel the pain so we can be stronger...

SOMETIMES, He let us in failure so we can be humble...

SOMETIMES, He allow the illness so we can take better care of ourselves...

SOMETIMES, He takes EVERYTHING away from us so we can learn the value of EVERYTHING we have..

Now.... What i really wanted to have for Easter? The pics or the words? Words for the Brain and Pics for the body!

*SQUEELS SQUEELS and more SQUEELS" I just LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE them! Anyone wanna offer them to me? :p

loneliness is killing me

Recently, i did a fb test on how lonely you are. The test result was saying i am lonely yet not alone. I guess that is kinda true, Because i do have a very good collection of friends.

But yet today, I just felt no one to anybody.

Best pal was faraway, with me unable to share my shoulder to her problems, as well as she cant be standing beside me to lean on and cry.

Other jimuis, are faraway from me, some are just in their loveliest time starting new relationship, which i dont want to be a wet blanket. Others are just too busy with their hectic life. While some are just dont have internet connection.

Friends around me are either out with others, doing shopping or just chill out with old friends or new friends, whereas some just went home to enjoy home cooked food.

Sometime, I do Im not lovable by friends around me. They just gave me a feeling they are refraining me from getting closer to their close friends, or just simply Im thinking too much, they have such intention. Im not trying to be lovable to people, Im just being me...

Therefore, I choose to be dumb. Maybe that is the reason God took my voice away since yesterday, to reflect on my own faults and my own actions, that leads to who am I right now. Stopping me from being a wet blanket to anyone around me. Cos for them, Im just a strong girl, that needs her time once awhile to just shutup and listen to what others say. Or maybe God just want me to keep those sad things by myself, to make the world a happier place.

Im a kind of person that would unconditionally taking my hearts out to make friends, as well as will think for others. I admit that. Is because of this, i often choose people that I can share my rpoblem with. Maybe monkey was right, about the people that know about me, just dont want to hear any problem from me, to add into their life. And maybe because of that, i just dont belong to anyone now...

Maybe I should just keep everything quiet, and be strong to anyone that needs me, because my nature is put others first, and myself last. I guess then the world would be a better place without this pain ass pouring out her problem to others.. Is just maybe...

Why?

I was suppose to be packing up my feelings as well as my energy, and reserve for my EOS preparations. Yet, i just dont have the heart to do it now..

" U know how you meet some people just nce and they leave an impression on you? You may move on but still have a soft spot when it comes to the person. Ull always have affection for him. Over time it wont be necessarily be love anymore, but affection.

Love just dont go easily although he just not meant to be loved by you."


Isit just affection? Or was it still that i still havent moved on although I have too?

i miss my baba, mama and DD

I seldom miss home, but yet, this semester, i was so "indulged" in work, that when everything comes to an end, i miss my family.

I havent been talking to my brother like for almost 2 months whereas my parents, for almost 2 weeks already. Those poor old folks at home, sure have been worrying so much about me.

Is not that i dont wanna talk to them, is just that, time do not permit me to do so. I slept like less than 10 hours in 3 days, although one of the days was my birthday...

Year 2007

When everything comes to a pit stop today, ending my semester 6, i start to think about my family. What is my brother up to? Is he meeting any girls yet? Is he doing and earning well from his attachment so that i can claim my bday present :p

Suddenly, i got a sms from my bro telling me he's gonna call me tonight. i squeeled with delight. This bro of my, i would say, forget all those time when we use to make BUBBLES together while cleaning up the balcony, when i use to KILL all his soldiers with my canons-without-army toys, when we used to gang up to lie to our parents on how many slices of bittergourd we have taken just to claim M&Ms, to pulling hairs and nose as well as screaming on top of our voice until i lost my voice for my Grade 8 piano exam, HE IS JUST THE BEST BROTHER, anyone could have. I felt Im blessed with a brother that knows what he is up to, and clear with what is he doing. He changed to a really nice gentleman [but with very weird taste in girls ^^... am trying to change his taste abit by introducing him of what I call "girls"].

He also start to grow from being the baby of the family, to a man that knows how to take care of his family and himself. I just dont have to worry he will be upto something not so good. I simply love him...

As for my parents, i start to think of how lonely they are back in hometown when both of us are not around. The 2 rascals that used to sleep until evening and can just scream and jump when come to mention cockroaches, were just not at home to spice the house abit. No more quarrels on channels. No more quarrels on who get a better coloured printed curtains. No more barbie dolls or Lego fighting... And NO more little girl crying and said: I dont want this daddy, he has white hairs and will die very fast. I want to change another daddy! [dad told me i said this -_-'' Bodohlah budak ni]

That's where i got my genes from :wink

Then, i realised... How have i cared about myself so much all these while. How much I have given to my friends, instead of these 3 person that matter most in my life. I am spending like more than 10 hours with my friends everyday now.. and when i stop talking to anyone, i felt the loneliness that both my folks can feel back home.

still the little girl... dah lah tua masih bayi untuk mereka...

Now, daddy mommy getting old. DD start to go for his dreams. I start to find my life. Both siblings are busy, yet the folks are left free at home. I just have no idea how to ease their loneliness. If you ask me to call them everyday, i doubt i can do so, cos there isnt much happening here in KL, better not to. If not, they will just get anxious. all i can do is to spend a few minutes talking to them and do some reporting to them... and again.. this doesnt mean Im going back Sabah to work..

A future siao pharmacist with a current successful pharmacist

Very well then.. I just can give thanks for giving me such a lovely family, a perfect one though there are quarrels and beating in the way, but those are the things that made me and my bro, who we are today. Yes... I can SACRIFICE anything, including my life, just for them and my family.. I miss them...

Luv baba mama and DD always ^^

Am i born to be a substitute?

Recently, i found my life, always being used, all because I was giving unconditionally. In the end, Im left alone to deal with all the poured out unconditionally given hearts and love.

Or maybe, im just oversensitive on how people should be treating me? Or was it just me expecting too much from someone else?

Or was i just hoping the something from them when i pour out my hearts?

But frankly, i wasnt expecting anything in return. Nothing, except a respect, or just a simple thoughts of me, when i leave this world.

Recently, all began to reflect how fragile life can be when a Asian singer passed away due to breast cancer.

Life is often fragile and obviously, I dont need to be reminded by anyone's else deaths. Life is fragile, can you just take your heart out and feel what others have done to you? Don't take them as underdog. Dont take their hearts as something you should be deserving because of your status, your money or even your look. Because, one day, it will just come back to you.

Maybe, I am born to be a substitute. I wanted to change to someone that could give more to myself than others, even just an aquaintance, I would put them first then myself. In short, Im just stupidly will believe in people from the very first meeting.

I guess... being a substitute in the blood, i cant do anything about it. All I can do is to mend my broken heart again and again, and getting up again and again, with a 24/7 anaesthesised heart and numb legs..

Sydney - Darling Harbour

Me in front of MY ship, parked at Darling Harbour, Sydney :D

Sydney... the Capital of Australia!

Ahahaha! Gotcha.. If you happen to think that Sydney is the capital, please ler... go and improve your general knowledge abit. Am surprise that even the MateYs also think so... Oh Well... My blog is not intended to be educational. So, whatever.

Darling Harbour is where you have to go when you are in Sidney. Is somesort like KL, except Sydney is waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy BETTER in the sense of QoL. Nightlife was awesome and the weather was SUPERBLY GREAT! I just love the weather there...

Hmm... I know I cant judge whether a place have a better QoL with their nightlife {Ive to admit that Gold Coast have more bombastic nightlife}. SYdney gave me a feeling of being in a Sin City, by not sinning that much... hmmm... get what I mean?

oooh well, as its name suggest, Darling Harbour, you might just expecting Darlings to come around, with their "smallchuckle" "ownworld" conversation with their PDA. In short, a place to pakto... but it turn out no! Let the pics tell you then..

In front of the Harbour. Behind, is Sydney marine musuem..

Sydney Aquarium located at Darling harbour. The only aquarium in Sydney, i guesss....

Sea taxi that bring your round the harbour. Kinda affordable at $22 per ride. Ull be brought around and see the Opera house.. But i prefer walking...

It does have a route to the middle, but i lazy to walk in circles.. so, i took the risk of getting my feet bleeding, with walking on top of triagular shaped tiles... erm... u how what i meant?

Another shopping complex in Darling Harbour. Harbourside. Serve Mc Donald's ice cream at $0.30! That's what i take every night for dessert *yumyummmmm*

Trust me, ull never want to be at this bridge that link 2 opposite of the Darling harbour with such short skirt. I regreted gau gau. Was jumping up and down all nite! Macam monyet kegatalan ler...

The exit/enterance of Darling harbour. Behind, Sydney Tower, the highest building in Sydney [not interested] :P

Ahhh.... i forgot to attach a pub in Darling Harbour..this is it. One high class dine in restaurant cum pub.. There was a marriage reception...

A "typical" pub. imagine at night, it just filled with people, with no chairs to spare!

In short, Sydney is a well developed city but with nasty people. A retard Asian driver ill treating the asians.. That's not a good thing u know, mate aka ah pek... cis! Am not going to stay in Sydney!

Scolded when am crying...

Walao! Today is the first day, when i was crying, i was scolded. Is not because of the scolding i cried, but i was scolded as being a silly girl and was asked to be so stupid by TT. Man... i dunno what to feel, to cry even more or just stop crying, trying to eat the scoldings up.

Yes, i admit, most girls when is stupid they are blindly in love. But is this wrong? To pour out for someone that we care? Although the person might just not know as well as well as, you should not be pouring for a person that doesnt worth your tears anymore? To love someone from the bottom of our hearts?

For me is not stupid. Is not even a sign that u are holding back and not moving on when u cried. Is just because, you felt that is really a waste such a wonderful person can just fell like that, and you just felt crying cures the most, at least for ur own.

So, TT it doesnt mean that im crying that im not moving on. As for Monyet, it doesnt mean that i couldnt take care of myself. Dont simply simply accuse ok？
我觉定要望了那不快乐的事
我会走出来
我会为自己笑
但
我以氧会系汪他会该和快乐的。
会爱己多一点
会学习去爱身边的人和被身边的人爱。。

Hope i get them all right!

313...

The time im blogging now is 3.13pm :) The date of my birthday, if you read the 1st number as the month, and the later 2 digits the date. if you read the other way round, 2 digits in front the date, and the last number, the month, it will represent my other friend's birthday..

Actually, u all may think why i wanna make 313 as this blog's title. Because, i thought at this time, I thought I can be strong enough to stop the feeling of missing someone that I thought Ive moved on..

Today, when i got up and signed up to my msn, I received an offline message. Is pretty obvious is a spam or virus, that help you to send messages when you are offline. I have a couple of incidents of these. Even a few friends for several times. But this morning, it was from an email that I never expect it will ever send me again.

Is from archie's old email, a message of spam. Archie never send me offline msg or even his email never send me a spam. This brought me back to the thinking of the time when he was called Wintermelon by all his friends. I was somesort the first few human beings in this world that called his english name. Then, after he went into U, people know him by Archie, and he decided to open another new email account archie@gmail.com.

When i saw it was wintermelon@yahoo.com, i just felt numb. Maybe in me, i asked myself to move on, and assure myself that I have moved on, I have to, but maybe, in the end, i was just lying to myself? Maybe i do wanted to know what is going on with him and do wanted him to just send me a msg like before?

Im blogging now not because TT asked me to blog, but at this time, my tears fell, while listening to song by the singer that I love only. I never guessed Ill miss him at this time, this hour. I know I should be doing my CTT now, but am heavy hearted, to continue typing my 3000 words assignment.

Many things happen around me, forcing me to be strong to myself, and to people around me. Everytime, when i was strong for others, I wonder, how could I go on, when im weak inside? I know im just good at telling others what should be they doing, keep moving on, and let the future tells as well as letting the love you get from other people to cure the wounds, but those words, just never proven to be effective for myself.

Today, i did a test on fb, on a heart test. It says that my heart is booked. I smile when i look at the answer. because i thought it was crapping. I even LOL.

I do wanted to move on.. But recently, i always felt that God is hinting me not to give up on Archie. Maybe in the sense of keep praying for him, but frankly, i wanted to give him up cos i dont want to be reminded of the cuts and bruises he gave to my heart. Quizes and tests online make me thinks of what he told me before, but i bravely brushed them off, thinking I have moved on..

Like what i told Marchy, this therapy is not a short term therapy. No one can get me out. No one knows how long it gonna take. No one can know what makes me felt better. Only love is the ingredient and with not a single of reminder of the person who have hurt you.

You may not be hating the person that hurt you, yet, you just felt you miss the time spent together. You may want to hear from the person, yet, whenever you never get what you expected them to do, you start going into your world of depression. You may hope that all these never happened, but it did, im afraid to say.

All you can do now, is trying to stand up for YOURSELF, being STRONG for YOURSELF, walk OUT of this YOURSELF, and trying to make the PAST as a lesson that you will only keep for reference.

Marchy, Im also sorry for not being able to be strong for you at times, but im sure, we will walk out this through, because we are pieceans, the though cookies outside, but inside, filled with warm. We will make this through together.

I want to apologise to Marchy, TT and Aanhry, if i cant be strong for you guys, when i should be. I can only continue praying that all went well with us..

Baby March.. To everyone that is being hurt by someone that you really wanted to keep for the rest of your life, but it just turn out he/she is not...at least for now. Let's see what's for us in future.

Waking up at this hour....

Waking up at this hour when im blogging now, is just not a very good time... You wanted so much to crawl back into your blanket under your full speed fan or aircon, but you just cant... Just torturing enough.. But yet, Ive to get up to settle what have happened in my life recently.

Clock just wont stop ticking for me. Been rushing for datelines, datelines and datelines. Ive to go through all my mood of stopping down, my desire to slack and also my will to take things more slowly. Because of this... I again, felt very lost. But this time, I really dunno whom I wanna turn to.

My jimuis, all of them are attached to so much things happened in their life that I dont wanna be their burden anymore. Some have move on to the next stage of life, some are just like me, trying to be a tough cookie, trying hard to be strong in front of others. I just cant bear to add more things to their perfect life, or even worse, to those who's life is just not as perfect as it can be.

Did wanted to turn to my cousemates. But yet, they are just as busy as I do. Why do I have to load them with my own feelings? Something not very encouraging to make them move through their difficulties as well. Besides, I guess guys and girls cant really be good friends? Opposite sex good friends, that i once was close to, start to withdraw from me. For me is ok, as long as they felt comfortable. Yet, i feel its kinda wasted losing someone as dear as normal good friends, that would just stand beside you, getting you through life, but it just wont happen as im a girl, and they are guys.. What i thought previously was wrong then. It shouldnt be applied here in KL that guys and girls can be friends.

Now.. this is where i felt lost. dunno where to turn, dunno where to go, aimless....

And that's when i started missing Archie, thinking of times when he used to stand beside me to get me through and also the time, when he started to drift away... and this makes me cry..

And she just did it again...

She again drop her tears in public, by holding back her cries...

She just sent her k-bro to KL sentral, and eventually, sent him to bus that transport him to LCCT.

When she was about to leave KL sentral, she again, saw the spot where she and Archie was there a year ago.

She just couldnt stop her feelings being drown away. She just couldnt stop the feeling of not thinking about Archie. She knew there is nothing, nothing at all, she can do now and is already a dead end between her and Archie, she tried to move on, she tried to be strong, she tried to fill her time with loads of work, by taking all the responsibilities to herself, she aclaimed that she has moved on to TT, she thought she had moved on..

Or maybe she really did move on? It was just the bad memory between her and Archie that made her tears fell? She just dunno...

She again, felt all lost. She is all alone in this time of critical..

Is this gonna be temporary or will it just be in her mind forever? She also dunno, yet she keep waiting and trying...

I want my TIME!!!!

Currently have been busy, organising activities for my convo mag, dealing with ammendments for my KK trip with a bunch of friends, class tests, Mt KK climb training, projects, endless datelines to be met.

Yet, I do still find a time to watch Jack Neo's movie - Love matters.

I can say that i LOVE Jack's movie. Because i found it very down to earth. And bet ya, i even cried when i watch this movie, because i reflected on my life as well as life of people that I care around me.

I know how big the word LOVE is. Yet, i still couldnt find it in my notes. But i do found it around people around me. Friends getting flirted, court as well as starting new relationship. Erm... JEalous? Not really, is just that maybe I should be thinking at the more positive site, where is always better not to be in loved just for the sake of being into one.

Today, i passed by the place where Archie and I was there, happily smiling almost a year ago. I couldnt say that Im not disturbed. A sudden sadness just strike me, went into a world of my own, where I wasnt aware that there's a motocyclist that had a small accident, just beside the car I was in.

I went home, and then, chatted with TT as well as a few pals on the activity that we are going to organise in this month. yes... datelines again.. Yet, i felt like blogging. I want to continue to blog about my Aussie trip [which I will do it this week :) ] as well as having a facebook account [due to high demand].

Again, i told TT about how i felt today, about the incident where i went back to the place which i think i wouldnt be there for as long as i can remember that place... TT pop another question to me: Are you still avoiding guys or you have recovered? Followed by jokes by TT. If TT have asked me the question seriously, frankly, I dunno the answer... *haha* funny right?

I admit, i was avoiding being close to guys, or even not talking to one, if i can do it before this sem, because i felt betraying Archie, but now, I just realised, I wasnt being myself when I was being with Archie...

Well, I know this blog shouldnt be of Archie anymore, yet, he had been part of it. And in future, I dunno whether will he be part of it, but, again, i remind myself that, is time, to live like what ET have lived... Being herself is what makes her smile...

Ganbate ET!