I wish upon the christmas star...

I hopefully wish upon the christmas star that what I am missing all these while will come true. Yet, I know is impossible. But dear God, lead me out. Ive been consciously and continuously have him on my mind.

Shaking my head.

Currently attached in KK with a bunch of batchmates. I was hoping that this attachment gonna be enjoyable, no princess-like attitude, no aunty-ahsam atiitude, no boasting, but one whole gang that can chit and chat like old friends.

Again, I was wrong. It was indeed a huge difference between friends you make in Form 6 for 2 years and also Uni frens that you know them for 4 years. Huge difference. Sometime, they even made me felt that friends that were studying in public university is totally different on private university friends. They differ in thinking, talking and socialising.

Tonight, yes, im simply annoyed. Not by anyone. Just by the topic "relationship". I just dont understand why my uni friends thinks that relationship topic is so interesting? For me, is just a news. Not more than that. But for my uni friends, especially those just started new, in public, people around them also get excited {duh.... u guys are not his/her parents}, and friendship change [which until now I have no idea why friendship will change when my uni friends got together that they even dont talk to me anymore. Well, i couldnt care much. It was them who chose to give me up].

Oh why do we have to end up talking this topic everytime we have outing together? And to be frank, i dont like certain part of the conversation.

I dont like someone to show off that he is more powerful than the girlfriend. "The most important thing that I will NEVER EVER show my gf is my laptop and handphone. Miss A, when do you want to give me your porn? I have set a password to prevent my gf from seeing the content of my handphone and laptop. This is my first love and is hers too.blah blah blah"

Walao! I cant even imagine he say that. If you guys know him, I bet you'll be sure he was just simply boasting. U keep mentioning how sweet u both together, how trustable to each other. So, cut the crap. I bet your gf only simply say wanna see, ull let her see lo. So, dont talk so loud. U really irritate me.

I just dont understand why everytime also need to talk about relationship. It should be a friends' outing, and i dont mind if u bring it up at the right time, but... is just too much. Just tell me, an outing of all 7 of us, "relationship" is never a topic. And that is why when they start talking, ill keep quiet. For me, their way of seeing "love" is really different from me.

"Woman will SACRIFICE more in a marriage" - Shut up. If you think you sacrifice, then, dont get married. You get married, is just simply you cant live without the other. Is not a MUST you must marry him for the sake of sacrifice.

"For me to marry him, he MUST have a diamond ring for proposal" - I understand that is once in your life time to get married [which everyone hopes so], but imagine, if your partner cant fulfil that, but need to sell all he has to get you the ring, would you still want to marry a man with a ring, and then, nothing left behind or with a ring which has no diamond, but he is always there for u after marriage? Is a diamond ring so importamt that you'll jeopardise the man you love? Yes.. Is always good to hope, but dont put too much pressure to your partner. What if he tells you, to fit into the ring, you can only marry me when your weight is 40kg? You have your hope on him, so as him. Spare yourselves =)

I also dont like my batchmates to do match making. Well, is ok if you know that both have feelings. The problem is, you only know that one has feelings, but you never know that because of you "hoping" the two will get together, give the other pressure. Im happy that you care. But sometimes, love that blooms itself is the best. Moreover, whether they can be together or not, is non of our business. That's why I was so rude to you that day.

I am a type that I will be happy for people that get along together, and happy. All I want to know is you both are happy and that's all. I dont think I wanna know the whole story of your love life. Keep it to yourself. Dont boast on your new relationship. Is just too early to say anything. Moreover, time is not a factor in relationship.

I can only say, well, maybe not all, but a few, have totally different looking on relationship. Relationship comes in 2 ways, and not 100 ways. You dont have to let others affect you. You dont have to discuss with people that have never ever met your partner. And marriage build on materials, I wish you all good luck. For me, the feeling of LOVE matters most, because with LOVE, both of you will figure out how to make things go right, and that's it.

Dont complicate life too much since is so complicated already.

I dont know what im doing

His image keep prompting into my brain.
How I wish I could take things back in time.
oh God, please let me be clear.

Christmas wish 2009

It just happened again, just that im not fortunate enough to make it happen again.
So close yet so far, that is the best phrase to describe it.

I NEVER ever thought of meeting him again after that night meeting him up. Never. Especially when im doing an attachment in somewhere he used to be, but no longer here anymore.

I never thought of meeting him or even hear that he is in town. But it did happened. Sustagen saw him. And Sustagen told me to let me prepare myself if I happen to meet him.

No doubt, I did try to bump into him. Try so hard, maybe that suddenly I start to question myself on how much Ive let go. Did I let go? Do I still love him?
I was never intended to be in PLACE A tonight. I was expected to have a german meal with a group of newly made friends in PLACE K. From the names, you can see how these 2 places are apart from each other. Then, Appeton, our loyal “driver” cum walking dictionary, told us that he was tired. So, we decide to eat around our home, PLACE Z. But things complicate again.

Our promised 24-hour of activated internet, never came to us. Done everything. I was even lazy to call the dealer again, until Appeton came to us in nerves! He is blacklisted. He was so so so nervous that we have to calm him down. Because of that call, I have to make another call, which in the end, I have to go to PLACE A again, rejecting the invitation to PLACE K.

Went to PLACE A. Settle things when I have to call sustagen. Sustagen, directly told me that she just met him in front of her and told me to be ready to might meet him. I start to look around. I start to hope, to see him again. From Sustagen, the girl she described was not her. Is the news that he broke up was true?

I don’t like this at all. Dilemma. See him. Not to see him. Wanted to see him. Fear to see him.

Why do I care?

Why do I hope to see him when I know he is around?

Why do I still can pick myself up again and ready to fall for someone else again?

Why do I still felt so much when I knew he was no longer the person I knew?

Why when im leaving this world of his, things make me think is possisble? With the help of God…

Why am I tortured like this?

I just don’t want to think anymore. I just want to totally leave it to God. TOTALLY.
God, I sincerely pray.

Please grant this Christmas wish. Ive been a good girl all year long.

The last night...

This is the last night ill be spending my days in my hometown, a place where it reminds me of love, strength, loyalty and also hurt.

This homecoming was indeed unforgetable. Why? Because of him...
Prayers answered. Wish half fulfilled and secretly another wish is planted.

1 Malaysia. That was the place. 14 November 2009. That was the date. 7pm. That was the time. Nicolesukiboys and Octopy. That were the people.

Is the 2nd time I met him after saw him at the opposite road once I touched down from plane.

After the first time meeting him, I texted plar bear. I told her my second wish, to see him face to face, and talk to him.

Wish granted. I was so excited seeing those food serve on that night. Buffet steamboat, with chocolate founduer, your self make ABC, lots of dadih. Great people to eat with. Just that it was too heaty in that fully-cramped air-con restaurant. And there he was, with his colleague.

Adrenaline rush all filled me up. My hunger lost. My appetite lost. And i end up not eating up as much as I have paid. Nicolesukiboys say that he might have see me cos he is just a table beside the table behind me. I was in a dilemma that should I actually say Hi. And of course, i turned down Nicolesukiboys and Octopy for their offer to get my food (yeah.... my wish came true. Why shouldnt I grab it?)

Went to get some food. Passed by his table. He dint looked up too. But we then bumped into each other when he also got up to take some food. Taken the initiative to say Hi first.

He offer his hand for a hand shake. And the warmth of the palm, that i think im missing it now. He asked about my whereabouts and I was too updating on his whereabouts. Spontaneously, I offer his hand for a shake for his graduation recently. He knew im going to be posted in KK for 3 months for a practical from Aanhry. And i knew he is in SDK.

I then, was grabing all the watermelons whereas he was grabbing all the pineapples. Then, told him that I need to "prepare" my own dadih. So, I went away. And return to my seat. So as him.

Got up another time to get some ice cream. This time, when i pass by, he dint look up either.. Then, when we finally decide to go, he looked up, and ask if im leaving and i said "yea..".. and patted on his shoulder saying "take care".

That night was a remarkable one. What happened that night still lingered around my mind. Did I say something wrong [saying that I hope I dont wanna come back to SDK, without telling him the reason. But I told him Ill be in Sabah though. Have I said something wrong? Was my face so oily that can fry nuggets? {he said I dint changed although I insisted I was fatter and darker}.. Should I leave that fast for the dadih? Should I have try to talk more when he told me it was hard in working world? Should a word of attention given to him?Arghh...... I just dunno. But what I know is, he should know that im not mad at him at all. That's something to be pleased of myself.

However, nothing had changed after that night. Will my second wish come true once more?

Was this all alrite?

I keep on wondering, was what I did was correct?
I wonder if the decision made was right for myself?
I wonder how could I get rid of all these unwanted feelings.
I wonder and I wonder.
I wish I knew the answer.

Simply a waste

oh gosh... was hoping I can at least start to type in the word "introduction" into a wordfile named "thesis", but still fail to do so. I wonder why.

End up getting up at 11am in the morning, due to imsomnia last nite, went to meet up with mentee and again, forgot to pass him my softcopies on the spot. So, he has to come all the way down again to meet this careless mentor of his. kesian...

Went to a briefing, which I think is a waste of time, but oh well, is the ONLY reason that can make me get up from my bed as early as 11am! Then, joined a group of friends to "witness" something that makes me think, at least, in this batch, i see someone working hard on something that belongs to each other. Enjoyed that moment. And i simply love Minnie! She was so cute! So cute! Well Equipped! And is willing to do anything just to make the photoshooting session works! Minnie, Im always your fan! And I salute and respect you for what u have done for the batch by putting your egoness aside.

Went home walking in the rain. And came home with a bit of hunger, and start chomping my oatmeal biscuit. Nasty taste? Not really.. It is filled with apples! =) Yummy. Felt like playing my games so that can keep me awake and I can read my journals, but end up, sleep sweet peace on my little bed. Damn comfy.

Dead sleep for 1 hour, before relunctantly got up, cleaned myself up, and start preparing my dinner, which i called: Greens with patches of white. LOL... simply just some leaves with eggs that are yolk-removed. Added some italian sauce and wraps the dinner of with some honey, donated by Terrorist. Yummm~

Then, Purple came to me. Did some ammendments on the trip that we are going to have next week. Chocolate came to me too, to tell me that he is interested with one of the post that I posted in facebook, and HOLA~ chatting and negotiation session starts.

Multitasking, as usual. My daily dose of laughter from game show is on my right hand top of my lappie, my msn on the right hand bottom, middle was my journal that i intend to read, and the most left hand site, with lotsa tabs of email, facebook, web that give me info on the activity im going this nov.

Terrorist came back from her dinner without my fries =( because they dint passed by any mcD on the way. Purple keep asking me to call for delivery, which i insisted a NO, because of money, and also the "FATNESS" of my tummy. But i was so craving for it. Then, some friends turn up in my MSN, because i appear "busy". nvm... i still have time for them. Is rude to cut them off as soon as they find me. They are important to me.

15mins to 11, was swallowing my remaining oat biscuit with a cup of choc milk, Terrorist came to me and say she is hungry. Gosh.. She wanted mc Flurry instead. And so... called mc DOnalds.... there goes my money and fat, buttt butt butt... at least my craving is answered :wink But after spending Rm1.70 of that call, i was told: Moi.. McD dekat kamu dah tutup jam 10 malam la. Sungai Besi McD tak ada delivery.... aih... bad news again.

Despite the hunger, as well as thoughts of food, I negotiated with the person in-charge of that workshop via email. He's the one ive been emailing the most for this week. My supervisor also dont get that much of mails from me. After much negotiation through email, i finally reduced the fee from RM90 to RM80! IS a hell alot u know! Istead of paying RM630 for 7 people, im paying RM 640 for 8 person! Hooray. I guess tat was the only good thing i did today.

Wanting to continue my 2nd journal, yet the number of pages horrifies me. But :(, i forced myself to go through it. So, like a scanning machine, am looking for the keywords to my thesis, before Chocolate turn up again ;)

Manatau, sambil scan, sambil chat. A sentence of 10 words, i have been reading like 5 times, yet, still tak paham what it says. Adoi....

Scan through the whole 11 pages, and what i get for my thesis? >>>>>>> TIAADAAAAAAA :(

So, tak ada mood, cos read 2 journals, 2 also not much info. So, decide to make the payment for the activity, and hooray, i still got enough money in that account. Have to bank in for my rental tomorrow though my hsemate havent pay me. aih... what a sad life.

What have i done today? >>>>>>>>>>>>> Just spelled N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And tmr? Im out for a movie, Poker King! ;) Thesis oh thesis...

Shanate, a new blog

It was after my long-waited-stressing presentation, I decide to give myself a "expensive" way of relaxing, by paying someone to do so for me, together with my months'ly dose facial.

Went to the mall alone, paying the bills as I will be leaving KL very soon and lots of things to settle before I left this place and everyone dont really think what they have to do when Im not around. Going from banks to banks, just to transfer money from one account to another account, and also is the time that hit me saying: Stop your crave for any food.

Pre-decided wanted to settled with my daily food- maggie mee after the facial, yet, sudden craving for meat arised. Ignored the balance sheet that the ATM machine printed out, I went to splurge my crave with a kinda-expensive-yet-so-so dinner. [The meat was alrite, grilled to my perfection, yet, the size, was pathetic for me].

Went home alone, on that never-punctual LRT. Stood on the station, alone, reading every single word displayed on the advert TV [yea.. I guess they put it up just to make it as if they are upgrading their service]. Stood for more than 30mins, and listened to the apologies made by the company 4 times in the station. Well, cut the crap for the apologies, and give us the train THAT WE WANT!

Walking extremely fast to reach home, as I was alone and is 15 minutes to midnight, I told myself to start with my thesis. "Not a single word was typed. Believed me". That is what I told everyone that ask how was my progress with my thesis.

So, came home, and wanting to start reading up, when i decide to do my daily lappie routine: Check emails. Well, you know... sometimes, email can be amusing, relaxing, and sometime, deteriorating your time. Why? Because when u open notification emails... AHA~ There is where it will get me.

Was face'booking awhile when mentee came up and chatted with me, and also Hungry came up and ask me on a few things on the trip that I and purple had planned. THen, decided to clear some "favourites" in my favourite tabs, so to increase the space for more of my drama stock for the next 3 months.

Then, I came across a blog site which I saved, by my kindergarden mate, Shanate. Click on it... and that's it. No thesis for tonight again.

Shanate, is a girl, which my mom knows her mom.. [yah... Sandakan is just too small]. Dont really know shanate cos.. common.. do you expect me to remember all my kindergarden school friends when i was just like 3 years old? I should be busy differentiating which is more important, grilling a grasshopper that me and my brother just caught, or burning the white hairs that Ive plucked from my aunt's head, afraid that they will be blown away by wind?

Reading through her blog, it just reminds me on certain aspect that i wanted to blog it. But sometime, especially nowadays, many friends access to my blog, it seemed like I felt restless telling people who am I really is now.

Scrolling down pages and pages of her blog, amazed me to a point that, she really blogs about what she is up to and what she did, just for the sake of her distanced friends all around the world. Now... this make me think.

Maybe all these while, i was just abusing this site, as a person to hear me whinning, crying, scolding, and you named it all, all-negative-thingy about this site, til this site, is a site which can actually make you cry when you needed something to trigger you.

There were so much things in Shanate's blog that I wanted to write, is what i felt , and is what i hope to write it out, but I just dont have the feel to do it so. In the end, there it goes, my blog is just a whinning place for me.

Shanate, is somesort like me, in a way. She's brilliant. She famous in her high school for being a pretty nerd. Just that she is too quiet, cute, and richer than I do. Sometime, I wish I could be like Shanate. Just a simple girl, not so tall, hugable size, good in drawings [man.. i sux to max], staying in a country that I would prefer than where am I now.

Whenever I see those friends that are born with what-all-girls-dream-of, I admit, I am jealous. Good looks. Staying overseas and continue persuing what she believes, without the need or thinking to provide for the family. Is Rich that she can buy whatever she wants, go wherever she wants, do whatever she like. Having a boyfriend. No worries on what will happen if she is not here one day. Just purely, a simple, yet have-it-all girl. [Maybe because she had it all, that's why she's simple?]

Until I came to a word termed as "thankful". Yea... I just have to be thankful for what ive gone through, whom Ive met with, and who am I now.

If I were rich, I wouldnt have to be this strong now. [which is good right?]
If I were studying overseas, I wouldnt have meet people that makes me who am I now, and they are worth it to be kept.
If I have a boyfriend now, God knows when Im starting my thesis? [especially if he is my type]
If I have good looks, hmm... can we skip this?

The word "IF" sure is powerful.

Miracles

Not even a single nap since yday 12pm. Eyes are still widely open. But not tired. Wanted to do my ever-unfinish work, yet, I have no mood to do it.

Glancing through the pictures, I saw it. I saw the change. And i knew it had changed long ago. I know it wasnt as before, and to be as before, I can only pray for punishments.

or perhaps a miracle?

Maybe is just something nice about it that I want to hear, one day, in which i secretly hoped the soonner, the better.

5 years instead of 500 days.

Today, 4 of us went to catch a movie, shown only in TGV cinema, named "500 days in summer". We were so fed up or you could say, sein with our daily routine, [although there are so much to work on], we decide to catch a movie. Instead of going to the "meatball" movie, we watched this movie which was rated the best romance comedy in year 2009. Erm.. if you ask me, I would probably say yes, is even better than The Ugly Truth. Why? It reflects so much on my life! Darn~

In the movie, from the start to the end of the show, came out 3 names that are so familiar with my own story, Archie, Her and Me. Damn. I just dont want to see any of those.

The story, was almost like my story, because I resemble the feelings of the main actor. Well, the main actress is exactly like Archie. And so am I, exactly like Tom. My relationship with Archie is, I can say, 95% similar, except that cut out the S word, and also the cheating word from the movie. Besides that, the main significant difference would be the duration. Everything happen to Tom in 500 days, while I took 5 years. Complete 5 years. Is the count still running? I have no idea, I think.

I guess Summer made a point when she say that: I couldnt found that certainty in you. I guess, when is not the time, even if is the right person, it is just no belong to you.

For a few days, ive been thinking whether should I wish him a happy graduation. I prayed hard, because I dont want to be hurt again or I myself is leading myself to a dead end. And i think, this movie gave me an answer.

"Is not fate. Is just there is no certainty in life. Why miss out the chances when you had the opportunity?"

I just hope that what im gonna do next, will not be a regret of my life. And yes, I still believe that God is in control of EVERYTHING. Just have to continue to be strong and be myself.

When can I find my Autumn?

Just...

101009... a date to be remembered by him. Is his cousin's bday, yet that is not the concern. Is his convocation, the day that he is waiting for all these 4 years. After all these years, all tubulations and hardship, he finally made it. Maybe he is getting the 1st class honours after a downfall in his first year? I think so... I never doubt his ability to score in his studies.

Aanhry last night text me saying she have something to let me know. I was told she, and a few friends including him are sharing a room at Le Meridien. Yupz... Le Meridien. I don't know why, i hope what Aanhry gonna tell me, is nothing regarding him. Except if the news is something good about him, others, including his relationship thingy, I dont wanna know.

Just suddenly, thought of him again, no hatred, no hope and just had his image suddenly across my mind. Just suddenly...

Hope he is always well, and hopefully that he will be a person that I always thought he is. A man that know what he wants.

Do I have a problem expressing myself?

Was I rude? Or was I not clear?
Do I have a problem expressing myself? Or is just simply I was dumb?
Why people treat me so, is because they couldnt care how I felt, or simply I was thinking too much?

Ive seen friends coming back to me, patching up the loosen friendship nowadays. And I had always said, they are always welcomed to come back, when they want to. Am happy with them, cos they admit they are wrong and came back before is too late. I forgive and forgets. And i can say, im pretty good at it.

Today was somesort a very strange day. From me, was being damn happy when I am posted at Sabah to someone that the coordinator thinks I AM blaming her. No doubt, I was upset when my mom protect IMU so much when I raise some concern on the attitudes of our lecturers. From educating their students to deny God in public, to become the dictator for the students. All I wanted was just someone, raising their rights to the people, though, the said might not be entertained, but yet, the party will get to know how to be more careful or thoughtful next time.

I was excited when a friend of mine, Hitz, told me that Sabah Hospital is confirmed having us posted there. Hitz even have to calm me down, when my mind, starts to have some wild plans for the posting as well as to have fun, with my friends in Sabah, and with those going there with me. I was so excited that Hitz have to warn me again and again, not to say this until the list for posting is out.

Then, a day before the list is out, the news is spread. Timmy and a few fellow friends that will be posted back to Sabah and Swak, decided that we should raise some concern to our lecturers before their last meeting, so that, they can think of what they can do to address to our concerns.

Meeting Lecturer 1, for me, is a complete failure. Why? Because, she did not address it at all. She did not let us have a clear view on what is going on, and what they have done this. Why couldnt they tell us earlier that we might be posted so we dont have to spend thousands on pre-bought air tickets? Why cant we be forewarn? And the most funny thing is, the first question that comes our from Lecturer 1 is: How do you know all these hosp are confirmed? And is too late to do anything now. Why should we be kept knowing nothing, until the time when we cannot do anything else but just have to obey? We understand that the hospitals in West might not be sufficient to fit us all. But if you want me to accept that, that is the only way for us to graduate, whether you want it or not to be posted in KK, I will start to doubt your professionality.

You taught us professionalism. Is it professional to not to do some planning for future?
You taught us to be competent. Is it wrong to know what is going on and come out with the best solution we can have, instead of JUST ACCEPTING it, and go on?
You taught us to be rational. Is it wrong that we want a valid reason on why we are informed this late?
You taught us love. Is it wrong that we booked air-tickets back home for the love ones, when we are only back twice a year?
You taught us negotiation. Is it correct that we just accept what you have planned and ask nothing that we are doubting?

We are promised for lots of things before we came in. But everytime, when is time for our batch to do something, and when is not successful, they will say that is too huge our batch is. If that is the case, why did u accept so many of us at the first place? Cant u see the problem coming? Is this what we call responsibility? Are empty promises the things we get when our parents are paying 26k/year for our fees? When the students are shinning brightly outside, they will come into our class and boast on how good their PROGRAM is. They are not giving me a feeling that they are proud of their every single students. They are just proud of their program.

I really dont wanna fight for anything intially. I just want a reasonable reason on why am I not being informed earlier that I MIGHT be posted back? I just want them to admit that they are wrong. Itu saja. Tak banyak. 1 sentence onyl. That's why, I accepted to write that letter. The letter head, was my name. My ID. And friends signed for the memorandum.

Money wasnt my concern at all. Even if they gave me a chance to choose whereever I want, Sabah or maybe Swak (cos i never been there before, is nice to explore abit when I have frens there), are my top priorities with no hesitation.

I was so pissed when i hear that the Lecturer 2 is not even keen to give us an explaination as well as an apology, I raised it to my mom. After raising it to my mom, I just simply can say, Malaysian, will prefer swallowing other's fault, although they are in the light. For them, swallowing is better than creating a so-called chaos when you are fighting for what we should be given. I was so damn angry when mom still protects the Uni and said nothing at all. I tell her how disappointed I am with the lecturers and Uni for promising empty promises with the amount of money she is paying. hellooooo people......Is NOT 26 cents/year. is 26k! And now, we have to bear another few thousands lost because the uni is not gonna subsidise us the tickets as well as tickets that we have bought, all have to be forfeited. All I just want is a simple explanation on what had happpened or maybe just a simple apology.

Lecturer 2 came in today to meet us up. I was all soft hearted when she apologise, and thought the meeting would end early, so, i can get a quick lunch before my next meeting. Then, after her first slot of the speech, no one was talking. And she was looking at me. I guess she knows who is B0607055, who's name was written on the letterhead. So, i calmly told her that: I am glad im being posted back, but it would be better if we could have know it earlier. And that's when chillies and ginger all came in.

I was being snapped when i was telling what i really felt. I was being stop from continuing my sentence when I was trying so hard to let her know, Im not blaming her, I just hope they can know they can do this in future to avoid same mistakes again. I tried to give up talking because all my other fellow friends in the hall, about 13 of them are not talking. And ended up, the lecturer 2, was talking all her excuses (with her still thinking that I still blame her) directly looking at me. I dont wanna look at her way, hoping that she would turn her eyes to someone else. Instead, I was only the one she looked at!

I remained silent. And she kept apologising. And again, i have to tell her again and again,that was not what I meant. All I want, is her apology and she did it. Enough. But she still has a tone that she believe im still upset with her and blame her for not telling us earlier. Is very obvious she dint get what I wanted to say. Is very obvious she is thinking im blaming her. is obvious, I AM the ONLY ONE talking, and others remained silent, watching a drama there. maybe hoping for a fight or maybe hope that she will sacked me before i grad?

At last, what ive tried to do whole afternoon, came into an end. She finally get what i really meant. And she finally told all the things that have made her not to leak the news out. Again, i told her, I only wish it could be told earlier. That's all.

But after today's discussion, I start to think again. Friends that I think they will speak up, or at least looking at how hard ur frens is fighting for all of u guys' concern, whether u had heard the lecturers excuses or not, cant you just voice ur heart out? I was trying so hard to voice it out. Cant u see that I have to take the blame for raising it up? Why do u guys wanna leave me alone to fight on a fight that I am not affected at all? Why do u guys give me a feeling you guys care not while I was the one leading the pack to bring u guys against them? Why do u guys said nothing at all for me, or at least try to help me tell the lecturer what I was actually meant? Why do u guys want me to risk my own reputation for you all? Why cant you all just say a word to save me from the lecturer blaming me alone? and worst of all, Why should I do it for you guys when this is not a matter for me even from the beginning?

Guess... Im just pretty stupid. Too stupid to actually risk getting back my grastric after I get my fist bite of the day at 7.30pm. I just choose to trust the wrong people again. I just thought that people would wanna raise their concern would have done together with me in the war. Instead, I was left all alone, shot to death, while my "friends" are watching. I think, I really have to stop giving hope on my Uni friends. Especially those I have encountered today. I fell once, I hope I will never fall again. They have just disappoint me from time to time.

Timmy came back to me, with tears in her eyes, i can see, that she is terribly sorry for not saying anythg, but she cried. At least the tears that I was shedding because of disappointment on friends that are not helping me to talk and watch me die when i was talking to the lecturer, did make someone realised she was wrong and admitted it. This is what people should be doing. When they are being told they are wrong, accept it, and apologise, and never do this again to anyone else.

Somehow, is not ALL uni friends are bad. I know who to keep, at least. And dont worry, I can judge on my own, who are my friends and who are not.

Morale of the story: Choose your friends wisely. U give me up, so will I. Again, you make me give you up, i will not do anything to give myself false hope again. Im sorry. Im just simply hurt. That's all...

I dont need anything from anyone. I just hope and prayed that this bunch of batchmates, one day can be someone that I always think they are, someone that I still can trust. But I guess, it will still gonna be a long way. I wonder if i got to have that chance seeing them so.

Me?

Do I know myself?
What do people think of me? Do I care?
Was me the core of the problem?

Recently, there are much shocking news for those single friends, which are attached. I think cupid is really busy this year. Guess cupid missed me out, but... whatever. I dont wanna think.

I have to admit quietness and loneliness, do kill me. This 2 things never affect me much back then, because I think im simply satisfied person, a good book, a good entertainment, ample workload, sufficient sleep and lots of good food, that's enough. Even staying in my own room, staring into the ceiling the whole night with my cheapo radio, will make me smile.

Nowadays, even when I got all these, smile is forcefully given, EXCEPT I can brush things away that moment. But after that moment, common gal, Ive to come back to reality.

Have been giving up lots of thing recently, even people. I used to think that I need to treat people as how I wanted them to treat me, but i realised, even friends that I consider them as friends, can turn to a stranger totally.

I start to harden my heart, for anyone, except those that I still consider as part of me. I start to wear mask to meet people. I start to get restless in saving friendship that Ive sowed, but was bulldozed by the person. I start to give up friends.

Some say I was the one to blame. Maybe it was me that I think they have mistreat me. But seriously, I was disappointed. I was disapponted, not mad, just simply disappointed, and dont want to do anything about it anymore, including thinking of saving it.

I just want to protect myself from being used, disappointed and hurt again... that's all. Is just fear...

Blank

I feel it again. Is not the first time, yet I feel it again.

I can see it coming, I thought I am prepared, yet, I felt weird.

Maybe all these while, all I have encountered are really leading me to the right path, and all the hints which I think are just simply I think too much, all come to me right now, that, the hints are really hints.

Sleepless nights, aimless, strong and keep brushing things off, is what my routine gonna be again.

What is the definition for F-R-I-E-N-D-S for you?

It never felt like this before, felt so alone. For no reason.

Is Raya season now. Everyone is back home, enjoying their rendang and ketupat, which I have missed for consecutive 4 years :'( or just simply, need to stay at lab to finish up their ketupat-fed mice.

So, told myself to write up the article which I owe terrorist for my convo mag. I always wanted to finish it, yet, I cant find the "feel" to write.

Was browsing through the pictures, which was taken 4 months back. Glancing through, I realised, so much have changed. So much.


So much have changed, in the sense of friendship. I was once told that I will never get true friends, once I left for Uni. Why? Because, you will start to feel, you are being used, being meals' partner, being a supplier for lab reports, someone you can gang up to buy a whole lot of online shopping for cheaper shipment fee.

But I believe. And still, do not believe.

But I have to agree that once you get to know someone more closer, you'll realise that person is totally not the person you knew. Or, maybe just because the person you once know have changed? Or simply, just because you have changed?


So much I have witness this semester.

From strangers, turn to someone you can confide in only.

From someone who is your shadow, turn to someone irritates you so much.

From someone that is always there for you, to someone you dont dare to be close for him/her anymore.

From someone you depend so much, to a new you where you where you realised you are wrong.

From a close friend, to become someone you love. From a close friend, turn to be your love rival. From a stranger, to become your crush. From a stranger, to someone you dont wanna hear from him/her anymore.

What are friends for? How to you define a true friend? Someone that you are always be with? Someone you can talk non-stop? Someone you can trust? Someone that never makes you mad? Someone who treats you good? Or just someone that makes you feel comfortable when you are with him/her?

Do true friends really exist? Or is just another fairy tales that little girl like me believe in it?

No doubt that time and distance changes one. But it doesnt mean that it will change the feeling, except you are the one giving the feeling up. No one is perfect in this world.

No doubt that sometime you are disappointed with people that you consider them as friends. Is up to you right now how to deal with it. Depends on how you define who your friends are. Depends on how important that person is in your life.

For me, I have found lotsa friends that are not only there for me, but also not there for me, when I needed them. These are my true friends, that tell me honestly what I have done right, and what I have done wrong. Someone that dares to hurt my feeling.

Im glad I have found mine. And my quota? Is expanding. How about you today? Of course, Ill delete someone or degrade someone from close friend to just a hi-bye friend, which someone that doesnt worth keeping. Well, you may say I am judging, but I dont need a friend that is not honest to me, or betray me.

So friends, im not in a postion to tell you all how to deal with your people around. It depends on how you define friendship. Know what you want, and dont ever betray yourself. Treat yourself better by pampering yourself with people that are worth it :) Appreciate who you have now, ok?

It was so different this time. But is it correct?

Last nite, was the very first nite I met Aanhry after I and Archie have come to a stop. The nite was indeed very happy, because we both realised, both had moved on. So happy too that Aanhry get to meet another fabulous boy, that now, Aanhry, the girl which was always being disappointed with finding her right man, finally, found hers. Am happy looking at her, chit-chatting on the phone with Mr Bird.

Last nite, was a nite that I poured out everything to Aanhry after 1 year. It was so much to catch up. Told her what had happened to me, in the pass 6 months and now. She told me about her Mr Bird and what is she going on in the next few months, especially her convo is coming up.

Time with Aanhry, we will never missed out one person, Archie. I told Aanhry about what was bothering me when i was letting go, asking her, is that a hint from God, that This person, Archie, was in your life before, and he is still alive in this world? Is this hinting something? Asking me to not to let go or forget him? Or just simple testing whether ive let go?

I know Ive let him go. Really have. In the sense that, if a right person is here for me right now, there will be no hesitation whether Ive let go or havent.

We had 2 dinners, because the dinner at Pasta Zanmai was not fulfilling at all. We end up having another salad and pasta and ends the night with a classic chocolate cake at Delicious.

It was a great night. Was laughing. And smilling. Because i know, God will one day give Archie a lesson, which he will never forget. I even heard that at last, Archie and the so-called-responsibled gf broke off this year. For God sake, Helleluyah! This is like the day Im waiting for! I just dont wanna know him forcing himself being with a girl, he doesnt have feelings for. Whether he is with me or not, is not my concern anymore.

However, his drinking habit as well as his social life, is not improving at all, in the sense that, he gave me a feeling, he is all messed up. I was only hoping that the pregnant news is not a true story.

Well, it doesnt matter to me at all, just a slight feeling of disappointed, looking at a person which once I have loved so much, turned into someone that is so strange to me.

I and aahry, missed out our movie together, and headed home. Was around 1am at night, where Aanhry was showing me and telling me lots of her frens stories, when suddenly Archie popped up in her fb and chat with her. She was so so surprised and told me: He is only once in a blue moon find me, moreover, in fb, not msn. It is really rare.

Archie: Not yet sleep?
Aanhry (was me typing): Why do you care?
Archie: Wouw! I was just asking. THat's all.
Aanhry: gonna oi oi soon lo. Nitez.
Archie: nitez.

When i was replying for aanhry sake, as well as when aanhry open pictures that have his image, this time, the feeling of "hurt" is gone. I did not feel any discomfort. Just like friend. Just like someone I know, which turn out to be a bad egg.

I thought I was all alrite. In fact, I am. oh well... what am i saying here.

Yet, what happened last nite, what i knew last nite, what happened before when Ken was here, it just give me a ringing bell. I know what i feel towards him now, is just friends I know long ago, and that's all.

Yet, are everything happened, asking me to stop forgeting him, or were them just simply testing me whether Ive let go?

So much memories..

Just logged into my form 6 website, which was claimed will be replaced with a fb account. It seemed that the account, no matter is the phbb acc or the fb acc, it still remains calm and peaceful =="

The web actually bring back alot of my memories while glancing through the photos we took as well photos of seniors that used to bully us, during the orientation week or during the whole life in St. Mary [ha... this is what you guys never know, because I was the victim].

Years passes, is almost 4 year after leaving the school,yet the memories are so so fresh, but friendship? Will it preservere until our last breath? Will the 10 year reunion that we gonna have is a success? I just never know..

Looking at the post at both the accounts, it just reminded me, how fragile friendship can even be. Someone we used to work together for an aim, getting a place in Uni, now we got it, yet, everyone have different aims in their life, including ppl they mess or live with. It just changed people so drastically, these 4 years.

Reflecting on myself, I asked myself, "Have I changed? For better or for worst? Is it better to change or remain stagnant?" Questions that i still couldnt find my answers. Is it because I lost my own direction that I couldnt answer, or simply just because this life is not what I have expected before? Or was it im holding on to the past? I dunno... Who's gonna know?

How fragile life can be?

Currently, Im doing a research on which medication works best in relieving pain in ceasarrean mothers. My job is to interview patient, because my colleague is not that convenient to talk to the breastfeeding mothers.

Oh well, the biatches, at last come into their senses! *Thank GOD* And they now, leave me in peace. Yesterday, I finish 7 cases, while they only end up doing 1 case, and that case, is only needing them to get the consent from patient only.

Haih... whatever they wanna do la. I just want to get 270 patients in my way, and they are working more efficiently now. Guess my sour face give them some common sense...

Well, everyday, spot the potential patients, approach the patient, by saying such line: *With the sweetest smile I can ever give*

" Hello. Good morning. We are student from IMU, and currently, doing a study to see what is your progress after giving birth. We wanna see whether the medication given by the doctor whether helps you or not.
We will be asking you a few question such as your first time changing diapers for your baby, first time u get out of bed and first time u can breastfeed your baby without assistance ok? [try to let patient nod their heads with the same rhythm i nod my head] So, are you willing to answer my few questions for me? [praying hard patient wont shake their head or say no, then fast fast ask patient to sign on a paper that the patient dont even have time to read]
Awww... ur baby is so obedient. IS a he or she? Aww... have he/she eaten yet? Isnt he/she obedient, she/he's not crying at all?

Working in the maternity ward, where you see patients and their product of love, the feeling is so so so different from working in normal medical wards. When you look at the babies, you see hope. When you look at the mothers, you see love.

That was why, working in these wards, despite the everyday 100 minutes drive KL-Seremban, make the research worth.

Everyday was fine, very fine until today. It was really really something to think about.

Pinky: Heeelllo.... *smile big big*
Patient: Hi *weak smile*
Pinky: How are u? Still feel the pain?
Patient: Erm.. A little
Pinky: Where's your baby? *didnt see him/her around the ward*
Patient: My baby is dead. [said calmly]
Pinky: Lost her words.

I just simply lost my word. I just simply couldnt blurt out any word. I never expect this today. Or can I say, i never expect to encounter such case in this research?

Just a simple "Im sorry to hear about it. Really sorry" was said. I guess my colleague with me, also was stunned like me. But does that phrase works for the patient?

Everytime, just a simple concern will actually lift a post-ceasarrean women's mood lighted up abit. But this time, i do wonder.. Nurses told us that the baby died because of cardiomegaly [if u do not know what is this, GOOGLE], and the mother is 35 years old.

We, the lived ones can choose how the life we wanted. Do we want to spend the time you have in this world griving for things cannot be changed, or even worry for things that might not even happen?

But what about this kid? This kid have been produced from his parents. He have no words to be said. He just have no choice. IS just that this winner of life, has develop a malfunction heart, that he cant even live any longer in this world. Does he have a choice of saying no to deaths? Does he have a choice, he doesnt want to be one?

Yes, maybe his death is predicted, or they can foresee it using all the scans they have, but does this means the pain is not there?

This incident reminds me of my twin boy cousins. Both are 7 months old, where they have to undergo LSCS to be removed from my aunt's body. Will it still hunts the parents of losing this kid/ kids?

I know im just too fortunate to live on. Just too fortunate. Im born normal, and yes, i realised, it was kinda stupid when I cant give up things in the past and awaits for future. I wanted to forget so much, yet being reminded again and again. Shell was right. "If you never think whether you have let go or not, you had let go". But at this very moment I saw that woman that wrecks my heart in fb. This very moment.

I just dunno what to feel. I just hated her so much. So much that please, God, dont let me see her in the hospital. I might lost my sense and kill her. Yes, she is another biatch, that get WHO ever she wants. I start to ponder. Why does biatches always get what they want?

I know life should be coloured with lotsa colours, and sometime black. But somehow, I wish, there is no black colour in this world.

simply annoyed

For the very first time, i really wish I have known how to scold all the foul words used to people that I have to work with right now.

Sudahlah my project was changed totally from A to Z, Ive to work with 2 biatches and I DO NOT LIKE TO BE COMMAND! Im not your slave. I have my own way to do my things. You can not agree with my way, so am I!

I really regreted I dint force my lecturer to give them a hard time, for simply simply change my project without giving me time to think about it. I really regreted the fast decision I made, which is not to give a bad impression to the ex-supervisor.

For you guys that do not know what Im upto now, is my research sem now. Other frens are having their nice time and fun in the labs as well as hospitals to finish their research and come out with that stupidly-comb binded-thick-blue book. This is the time where you can crap but you cant crap..Crap to make it long winded, cant crap because u need literatures to support it.

I was trying so hard to please the biatches, but I just think at times, they really had gone too far. I was holding it very long, making my gastric come again, and Im dreading with this research, although everyday, im trying to tell myself, today it will change.

They NEVER call the supervisor themselves. "Since supervisor talk to you more during the 1st visit, u call her la". "Since u have call her the 1st time, then, now it should be you to call her everytime". "You ask her la the number of the doctor, and then we call the doctor la". "Since u ask more, then u present to the doctors and nurses tomorrow then". "You ask the hubby of the lady, and see if his wife is going for ceasarrean or natural birth la because u are just sitting beside him".
Q!@*&*(&*)!#&*(@!&#!!#@*($&^#&*$^#&*@^%()*)(*!()*@()#!^$&*#*(^&*$^@&*^*(!#(^@!!$@*&$*(&*()&(!)&$*(!&@*@&* *DUT* #*($&@)$&@()$&@*(#&$*)(@&$*(#&$*&#*$(&@*)&$@#&$*&#@)*$*&@)$&$&#*&$&)@$&@

This research is to see which type of analgesic works best in managing post ceasarrean pain. the main limitation of this study is that Drug X, which is one of the 3 medication used is not commonly given to these patients because it is very expensive and it's analgesic effects are as good as others. Why need this medication? But since we wanna compare within the type of the class of a medication, we have to include drug X. Somehow, drug X will precipitate in a very insignificant amount to the breast milk and we were asked what will happen to the baby if the baby gets the medication from the breastfeeding mothers? Because there is still POTENTIAL that it will be tranfered to the baby.


Today is even worst. They wanted me to call the doctor that we have to ammend the way we research after a whole week of research started. The reason we have to ammend is because from the very start, we are violating the law. However then, we are not aware we are wrong because supervisor said ok, and we just carry on, because she knew more ma... Then, after a whole week, she realised shouldnt be doing that way and we have to contact all the DOCTORS in the gynae ward to notify them about the changes. I tell you, DOCTORS are the WORST people on earth. MOST of them [so far I only met 3 which respect you as human] are simply animal heart and mind with a human figure. They never treat u like a human. They say nasty words to you although we ask if its ok we can talk to them.

FINE. what can we do? What is not correct, have to be corrected. I do as what they say and contacted another doctor which is much associate with this study. This doctor is a nice doctor, but she wasnt in the hospital. I told her everythg about why we need to change the method because she ask me why a sudden? Is already a week, all the doctors are working for us like we planned, and now change. Why? and guess what? MY LOVELY BIATCHES teammates, right after the call, was condemning me [though biatch 1 was commenting on how should i say to the dr on the phone]:

Biatch 1: Why did you tell her that it have to be ammend because it was not quite correct the way we do it at the first place?
Biatch 2: Ya lor... if you tell her this, she will think we are wrong. She wont believe us again? Cant u just tell her that it was just not in our methodology to tag the days for which medication to be given on each everyday?
Pinky: I told her. She ask me why? Why a sudden change. There should be a reason why right?
Biatch 2: But you dont have to let her know ma. Just say our supervisor said it.
Pinky: Is there a difference if i tell her now, before she need to hear from our supervisor? She will still know the reason why eventually.
Biatch 1: Just say la that we have to change it, and say nothing at all. If she wanna talk to supervisor, then, only then, let our supervisor to deal with the problem or questions she ask la.
Pinky: She is in our research ma. Takkan Ive to hide something from her?
Biatch 1: But if she wanna know, she will talk to the supervisor herself ma. She is just another doctor in the hospital, she just find it fun and she wanna join the study and you told her all these! [Eh commonla... Doctor is asking me on the phone, if I sound fishy, would she just ignore? what will she think a person I am? Someone that keeps secret or do not tell it all on something important?]

Biatch 1: I hear you say this what doctors cannot give, and you say yes, doctors cannot give
Pinky: yes, I say the truth. Because dr's concern is also our concern, on whether we get enough sample by the month of research ends. so, i told her our supervisor also working out to contact other hospitals that prescribe drug X to approve us to recruit their patients.
Biatch 1: Then.. You shouldnt say that doctors cannot give.
Pinky: I dint! I was just saying yes, we also aware that the doctors do not give drug X commonly in treating post ceasarrean pain.
Biatch 1: oh ohkay... Just that when other ppl ask again, or when u tok again, u just dont mention we did something wrong. u must say like...blah blah blah...

SHIT MAN! REALLY SHIT! IM REALLY PISSED!

You want me to do what you want. When i tell you what the supervisor say, you blame it on me, on dunno how to discuss with supervisor. When i tell you what the supervisor want us to do, you refuse and Ive to call the supervisor in front of you to let u hear what I talk to her and in return, I was question by supervisor on whether I listened to her orders previously. In the end, you still have to do what I say although u are reluctant. The difference is just that the supervisor have bad impression on me!

Oh GREAT! I was condemn by one part and another part, i was question on my ability to understand what i was told we need to do. Eh... my thesis have to be marked by my supervisor eh. U guys want to flunk me isit? Since I am wrong and dont have a brain, fine, you please use your own phone credit to call the supervisor. You so clever, you talk la.

You can choose when and who you want to get to sign your consent form of the patient, but I cant. Ive to not decide when is the right time to collect the data, and when is the time I think is best getting it. You only have the mouth to ask me to work, but what about u?

After i show her im not happy and i seemed to let them know im not gonna talk since what i talk also not correct, then, nevermind. I shut up! then, you come like a puppy to me. Trying to praise me after I do my part informing the doctors. Dont think you are too important. You praises are just a piece of shit thrown to me. Keep it to yourself. You guys are just simply hypocrites, trying to show that you are good girls, good looking ones and have the urge and initiative to work.

I really hate this. I should be doing something that I want this sem, but it turn out to be I have to listen to these ppl whom they think they have better mouth and better brain! Now... Do I have a brain or just simply im petty?

Another sleepless night

Tonight should be a happy night, because Ive entangle 2 friends of mine, on their doubts about the respective relationship.

Yet, teardrops on my laptop happen again. Is for my best buddy.

I just felt so lost for not being there with her.

Thinking what we have gone through as individual or have gone through together, it just makes my tears cant stop rolling down, missing the moments we share together.

Too much. From the moment when we enrol to a school which every single individual in hometown looked down on the students there, to both making names for the school in a good way. From the moment when we start to change role, from you being the prospective head prefect, to me, getting the post, we still strive together to prove others that we can do it. We can even do better than students in a more famous school. Then, to a co-ed school, where we met our very first man in life, and sharing all the details and sms together. As well as being the leader of the students, we are the biggest devil leading the students to bring the handphone to school, and sleeps during biology class.

You have been a great competitor to me. You also have been a great teacher to me. Without we realising, time have to separate us from this strong combination.

Maybe we really cant stand strong without each other, but I also know that both of us have been trying so hard to move along life. Tears and more tears were shed for people who we care so much. There were just times when we couldnt be strong for ourselves. There are just times, when we hope we can be like before, sleeping beside each other in the biology class when the teacher is teaching, but we still getting good grades.

Reality may have been cruel to us. But with the strength you have given me previously, I will continue to preservere and make everyone beside me see how you have shaped me. How what we have gone through together will bring us to life we always dreamt for.

I know, we are normal girls, like any other girls, just hope that there is someone that really appreciate what we have given out to him, and get what should we be getting in return. Reality have shown that is not the time for both of us yet, so, Marchy, we have to wait upon that day together ok?

Is just like how we waited for our PMR and SPM result. Which turn out that what we have sacrifice returns joy that is so undescribable. We almost beat the best school! Our results are as good as the top student in the best school!

All what we have gone through today, will be soon be pay off.. We just have to wait patiently.

I miss you and I love you.

To all people whom I consider friends.

I was trying to sleep early to change my biological clock to a more normal one. Yet, when I think my biological clock have been very obedient, by giving me a dose of anesthesia at 8pm tonight, I was wrong. I was again once waken up at this hour, because of a nightmare.

The very first question that popped into my mind will be what if im going to die today, how would I tell my friends, which I consider them to be the 2nd person that matters to me, that I love them so much. You may say Im sarcatic or thinking too much, but I really have a bad feeling after I woke up.


To Marchy: U matter most to me. U know more than any other people in my life, including my own parents. I know life have been easier in the past, but yet, with you, life have been lot more lighter today. Now, distance have to separate us, but we know that deep down inside the heart, we couldnt live without each other. Im so glad that God has given me the best buddy I ever know, someone that willing to carry the burden of life with me, as well as I carry for her. I love you, Marchy, and please, be strong for me.

To May: Life have been so much busier when we are about to graduate, until sometime we felt we barely know what each other are upto. Start to doubt whether the beliefs in us are correct. Start to doubt the friendship built all these years. But deep down again, we know that we still have each other, no matter how hard life has been, no matter where we are. And that clears all doubts. I love you, May, please again, make sure you are happy for who you are.

To Octopy: You always been my model of strength, because I see how you fell and how you stood up. You are always there to put a smile in our faces with your blog, with your smiles. You gave people a very comfortable feeling being with you. Yet, I really hope the smiles are from the bottom of your heart. And Ill carry you when you needed someone to make you stand. I love you.

To Baby: Life will not be easy eventhough you found the man of your life. There are many obstacles to be faced in future, but we are really happy for you that you found him. We are all glad that you have changed to someone that really considerate and enjoying life. We really wanted to be there for your big day and Im praying hard that my parents will allow me to go. All we want is to share the joy with you. His "I love you" might be sweeter than mine, but yet, that is from the bottom of my heart oh.

To Stephy: You also have pose a strong figure in me. Is really really happy to see you getting up again and live on happily. I promise myself to take you as my role model. I love you.

To Polar bear: which I know you unlikely wil be reading this because you are too indulge with your work and shapping. I bet you even have this link. :P Nevertheless, I really hope next year, and years ahead after graduation, I can be sharing more time with you. Please start praying hard for me too.. I love you.

To aanhry: I dunno whether you'll be still reading this blog or not. But I still read yours. In the past, there is a feeling of uneasiness everytime meeting you. But now, I know you are NEVER the person to be blame. I really blessed knowing you. I really hope I can meet you and hang out together. Please... I promise you girl,you will soon found the person that really matters to you. Ill have to check my schedule to confirm you the time we go out together with KenT,k? I know you have car~ I miss and luv you, Aanhry.

To Sustagen: Dare to love, and dare to be hurt. There is no definition of love. There is only feeling of love. Im so glad that what had happened to you, make you grow. Grow to someone that willing to fall and get up again. No longer in your protection bubble again. But heart aches whenever hearing your tears came rolling down for that individual. I wish I can give you more of my bravery to love someone. I wish he knew your heart for him.. I also wish that he know what he is doing to you. I will be still on your side no matter what the ending would be. But for the time being, I foresee is a happy ending. Whether you want to preserve this ending or not, is up to you how to handle it. Face it with courage.

To Purple: I know you have evolve to someone that matters so much to me. Even silence between us, do not longer make us felt strange. This is the sign of trust and strong friendship between us. You taught me how to be strong and still. No matter what happen in future, you will always find my footprints in the sand.

To Nicolesukiboys: I can only thank you for not forgetting me in your prayers although life wasnt easy for you either. You and the prayers meant so much so much for me. I really miss the time we were in aus. I really really looking forward in spending time with you. Thank you for being there for me. I can only continue praying that God will continue showing us the right path.

To TT: I can finally start to see some signs of you smilling deep down from the heart. Really happy to see that coming. I know you have been working hard for it, so hard that I knew you do not know how to put into words with me. I hope you will hang in there, for someone, which I think is popping to be more important in your life. :)

To Sou Sou: I can only wish life would be easy for you either. Thank you for being there when i need "professional advice". Thank you for making me feeling accompanied.

To Shell: It was really really surprise what you have told me. What you have shared with me. What have you done to keep this candle of mine lighting, although it may not be as shiny as ever, but it still burning. All are locked into this little heart of the candle. I will keep it burning, but there are times when the light is being blown by the wind, shaking the vission. But i know, you guys are out there, to protect this little light of mine. I know.

To Winne the Pooh: Thank you for making my own sweet dream disappear. I really appreciate that. Because if it wasnt for that, I wouldnt be strong until now. You matter so much to me. You have also pour out so much just for me. You always have a place in my heart.

St Cecilian: People. You all have changed me so much. You all gave me hope. You all taught me how to fight. You all taught me how to preservere in this world when people looking down on you. You all have taught me what is the meaning of winning, not the material, but the hearts of people. You all matters so much to me. Every single one of you have shaped who am I today. Thank you.

St Marians: You all taught me how to love, how to fall once again, and taught me who friends are really are. You all gave me so much memories until now that I use them to be strong for life. I know time and distance may make you all think Ive changed, but seriously NO. You all matter so much to me like in the old days. I really hope the relationships that we have built together will not die out with time. You all matters to me.

IMUians: 4 years is not a short period. Is not a long period either. You all have taught me what Kiasu and Kiasi meant. But again, you all have taught me to be stronger, strong for people who loved me, as well as people whom I love. A year left to another huge separation. I am brushing off the feeling now because i really dont wanna face it. But I promise you all, this 4 years will always in my bibliography forever.

To Archie: I love you, I have always love you. I just wish upon the star that one day you have changed to a person whom I really really knew and once loved.

The song above is for every single of you, a sing out from my heart, and my promises to you all. God bless you all...

Numb and dumb.

Recently, Ive been listening to this song again and again.

I think it sings out the feeling in me, as the main actress inside.

I always think Ive moved out from the past. But without me realising, I was actually still inside the pit, or all these while I was the one not admitting im still inside?

Recently, I miss him even more although I know I shouldnt be. I know it is all ended. Ended totally. But I, just suddenly miss him so much.

Tears came rolling over and over again. sleepless nights came about again. Everyday, I open my eyes, there is this feeling of missing him so badly, but I tried so hard to brush it away. Prayers are the daily routine for me to keep me strong and still.

I can sense there are a few guy friends that was hinting me about going with me, but I know, Im not ready yet and they are not the ones. I am very certain with this.

But yet, when tears rolled down, and when heart aches again, this time, I found no one I can turn to. No one at all. For my jimuis, they have things to be busy with, their own life, and even their own love life have to struggle. For my best buddies, I dont want to share anymore because I really dont want them to think I have feelings for them. For those whom I have sent wrong signals[whether I have, or you were just thinking I had], Mr Rub Shoulders and Went, I am sorry to you all.

People always say that there will be always someone there for each and everyone, but i guess, there is just no one for me.

There are just too many thgs happen in life that makes me limping to go on with this life. Tears will continue to roll down with a smile on the face. I will continue wearing this mask of mine until HE turns out for me.

But i think that day is not gonna be here for me, a simple looking girl, with nothing special compare to other girls, except with a big appetite for food. Never.

Love changes...

You and me.

It makes you melt in heart when it came along,

But it hurts more than a cut in flesh when it went away.

It makes you weak in legs when it is there,

But it strengthens you when it went away, IF and only IF you can keep positive.

It makes you believe in yourself when it is there,

But you lost yourself when it went away.

It gives you courage to face everything to make it sustain,

But you trembles when it had to go away.

It makes you smile when you are sad but in love,

But you couldnt cry when you are sad but alone.

It changes you without you realising,

But people around you realised it.

It makes you want to stay in that position forever,

Yet, that is not the case if it is not meant for you.

Dear Marchy,
I know time and distance has changed both of us, in the perception of love. We used to know what we are doing is correct or wrong. We used to know whom we love, and whom they love us. We used to be tagged as girls of courage. We pose a strong figure in everyone's eyes.

I know, this is not we want in other people's mind about us. Yet, we have to accept that.
We have to accept what people sees in us, and make use of it to build the life that we want.

MSN and phone have distanced us without us knowing, yet, both of us also, because of this, are forced to be strong for ourselves when just NO ONE beside us can be strong for us, while we have to be strong for others.

Being alone after a journey of relationship, is never an easy period. I dont want to blame it on anybody, but it seems that our lives is never calm and in the way we expected. I also do not know how to explain why both of us are chosen to go through so many of the things, which girls of our age DO NOT have to go through. I really dunno, and if I am given a chance to choose, I dont want to be a girl whom everyone thinks im strong enough for EVERYTHING.

I know, both of us are lost and tired. Really exhausted looking at the life we used to have. Reflecting the time when we were still together, working hard for the life we want, working hard to maintain a relationship that everyone thinks will fail, but we chose to believe our partners. We are just too tired in loving someone else, beside ourselves.

Maybe of what happened, had made you really undecided of what you want and changed you. Seriously you and I need a break from all these. We really do not deserve these. We are like any other girls, willing to be loved by people we loved. We just have to wait.

When you have found the person which you claimed you love, why did you ever let him go because of others saying that u have changed? Why do what others think affect what you want in life? Eventually, the person who gonna live with him, is YOU, and not them.

I do not dare to encourage you to accept Mr Russian, because I do not know him, and I do not know how much you love him. But, Dare to Love, Dare to be hurt. That's the rule of the game.

If you are still lost now, stop pouring your love for any other guy, but find back who you are, and what kind of guy you want in your life. Be sure what you want in life, and that will guide you to it.

I really wanted to be there with you. Because there are times too when I really wish to just cry beside you without saying anything else. But I know is not possible for the time being. But I know, both of us gonna be stronger for each other and for ourselves because of these. There are still many beautiful things to be observed besides all the obstacles we have to go through.

I will always be there for you to support you, because I know you know what your limits are and I am certain that you know what you yourself is upto. For the time being, start thinking positive. We really have to move on with life. Achieve what we wish to have before and made in our schooling days.

Girl, be strong...

Disobedient eyes...

Tonight, eyes betrayed me.

So much promises Ive done to myself, yet, is this time of the year, that I give myself an excuse to express what I really felt inside >>>> Tired, exhausted and hurt.

People often thinks Im afraid of nothing. NOTHING. Strong in the inside, hard as diamond outside, although there are some air in the head everyday meeting me.

Sometime, Im tired to think of all negative things happen in life. Im fed up with myself of keep motivating myself to walk on this life with courage and smile.

Sometime, I even felt, I have to hide my tears in order to be strong for others.

Sometime, I felt I dont want to show it out, because I know there is no point of doing it, because for others, I am strong.

Sometime, I felt my tears are just cheap longkang water, because no matter how it is shed, no one will appreciate it, no one would understand, no one would know how to wipe them from my face forever.

They do have a point. Because the tears shedded, can only be controlled by the individual herself.

But this time of the year, I think I do have an excuse of taking my own time to heal the hurt Ive been going on in my life. Just too much sorrow, that I have forgotten many beautiful things that happen in my life. Because the beautiful things just happened in the past.

Great things happen now, have to happen non-stop for a few years to really cover up whatever things that happen in the past.

But for this time, I needed a break, from being strong for anyone else, but myself.

I know, it gonna be hard because memories start to appear again although everytime, I bravely sweap them away.

I assure myself with lotsa things happen around me, that decision made is the best. That everything is perfectly alright.

But tonight, eyes betrayed me. Betrayed what had I believed in myself.

But im just exhausted. Is just a girl, that everyone thinks she is strong, felt lost and tired...

It happens again.

It just happen again although I tried hard to control. But it just no use controlling. Tears roll.

Tears just rolls when the song of Mayday hit me while reading what Purple had write in her elective report, the conclusion part.

" It was a very memorable trip, I would say. I gain more than I ever expected. We get closer to each other after this trip especially after mount Kinabalu climbing. We worked on hard and hold hand in hand to reach till the peak. The best thing that I gained is determination and motivation to reach till your goal. When you have decided something, you have to hold on strong to reach there even when you feel so tired and wanted to give up. However, always remember that there are always friends by your side that motivate you to move on. They will always be there to encourage you and help you to reach your goal.

It is just like our life in Bpharm course. It is never easy for us to reach and hold on until we graduate. There is always too much to study with too much pressure, either from ourselves, from parents or lecturers. However, everytime we will motivate each other not to give up no matter how. Eventhough we feel stress out and restless at times, the determination in us, motivates ourselves as well as people around us to strive on strong in Bpharm.

As souvenirs, we back to KL not only with sunburn and muscle aches but also great memories that will stay in us forever, that will hold us no matter how far we are distanced. That is the priceless souvenirs that anyone could ever get.

If someone ever asks me, will I visit Sabah again? The answer is a definitely a yes. It was the most enjoyable trip I have ever been and it will be an unforgettable memory for me, forever and ever."

* Have been edited to not to make it like a report*

I just couldnt stop my tears from falling tears. To see how the trip that I have been trying hard to pull everyone together as well as giving ppl most unforgetable memories, which I thought, it was all thrown into the drain, turn out to be something that still gives ppl that have joined the trip, a spark in their life whenever think back the trip.

Purple, you said Ive made you cry with my blog entitled: To PURPLE, I think this report of yours, made me cry. Made me misses you so much. Made me regreted I dint take many photos with you all. Reminded me of people that have left your life, let them leave cos the really good ones will stay on forever.

Terrorist have asked me to write an article for this trip, instead of making it like a report, I think I will write in my point of view. It will totally from me, Grace. And with you all great ones that make my life fuller!

really blank

What do I think now?
I have no idea.
For 2 weeks already since I slept deeply.
I havent been sleeping well these few days, on'ing my drama's 24 hours/day, sampai computer also show blue screne!

I know I have to be strong to counter all those negative feelings inside me.
From dunno how to start my 2-weeks oral presentation, to eating at very odd hours while grumbling bout my weight that terrifies operators in Pharmaniaga,
From getting money for my convo mag to an activity that I wanna make it happen,
From being clear with what I have to do to know what I wanna blog,
I think.... I have no idea what im blogging now.
Just because Im B-L-A-N-K now.

I just dunno what my heart wanna say and do.
All I want to do is sleep.
And eat.
And crap.

I know there are more people out there, which are more in need than I do,
But I dunno where my strength and drive to work.

People say Im strong. People say I should fear of nothing.
Wuahahahahahaha.... What a joke. I wonder what makes them think so.
A strong person is always an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's the reason why they say im strong?

To Purple

Dearest Purple,
U say I dont support.
U say that was NOT a small thing.
U keep reminding yourself of the painful past

How much do you know people around you have suffered emotionally?
How much do you know what happened to you, also had a GREAT impact on others?
How much do you know how hard is it for us here to move on, juggling the life without you, while you say we dont care at all? while you say you have the right to be depressed?
How much do you know, beside the thing you are going through that have nothing to be done anymore, we also have to deal with lotsa changes but trying to be strong physically?

You say I dont care.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I brush off our memories when we went grocery shopping nowadays.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I was only silent when preparing meals.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why terrorist came down to accompany me, while was preparing meals, avoiding the memories of you here.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I have problem falling asleep.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I stressed up until my biological activity is disturbed.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I still smiles and tell others you are all alrite though tears in heart shedded.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason why I lost my drive to work for activities.
Yes, I dont care, and that was the reason I never take this as a funeral of the future, but a funeral of the painful past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we all here was trying to avoid any topic that reminds you with us.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we still smile to go on, and hope you can do the same, hoping everyday that we will never lose YOU.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we never try to evoke any topic that may remind you of the past.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we keep the sorrow while being tough for you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why always wanna make sure you are the "old" you.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason why we were trying so hard to ensure you there will be NOTHING to change during this time.
Yes, we dont care, and that was the reason we pray everynite that you can be yourselves and smile is always on your face, while taking this obstacle as a jumping stone for better future.
Yes, I dont care.
Yes, we dont care.

And thanks for reminding me and us, that we never support you.
But thanks again for giving us such lovely memories.
And thanks again for losing yourself to show defeat to this obstacle you have to go through, while we DONT CARE.
Thanks so much to tell us that you willing to give up to depression, and we dont care. Thanks.

My candle is dimming..

Recently, ive been telling myself so many times to forget the past, and to walk on the life with more courage and bravery. Been telling myself again and again. Just too many times.

From losing Archie, to losing my best pal to UK, and now losing my younger sister for her own good as well as losing close friendship, all these piled up to me at a go.

I tried telling myself that letting go might be the best way in order to move further. But is it true?

Losing Archie, changed me alot. From one that believes in true love, to one that doubts the feeling of herself towards others as well as not looking forward to anymore relationship.

Losing best pal to UK, made me felt lonelier at times. Felt scared too, cos afraid that distance and time will change the relationship but was again reassured by her that it will NEVER change. But how long does this assurance gonna last?

Losing younger sister for her own good. Meaning, Ive to sleep alone for the few months, although I know is not as painful as the pain she had gone through, but I am again, afraid of loneliness.

Losing close friends, which now is a total stranger to me. But gaining friends. Will these new friendship patch up the hole made by the ex close friends? Which one hurt more?

I admit. I am never good at handling separation. I admit that i will not put everything to myself because I surely am not that strong to hold the tears again and again.

When will be the time when I can finally have a shoulder to lean on? Someone to remind me again and again that there is nothing matters except me? Someone that I can really put my burden on? Someone that do not let me go through separation again?

Maybe, I was being strong enough for someone else. For how much longer I can brush all these negative thinking and tears away and be strong for everyone, including myself? For how much longer Ive to bear all these? For how long can I still shine this small candle of mine in the dark?

Have you ever...

Have you ever felt that the world stop turning for you anymore?
Have you ever felt, you are just nobody to everybody?
Have you ever felt, the future of yours is no longer in your hands?
Have you ever felt, you are just alone to deal with everything?
Have you ever felt, you just dunno who to turn to?
Have you ever felt helpless and useless?
Have you ever felt so empty and blank?
Have you ever felt is all over and no more turning back?
Have you ever felt, there is no longer hope?

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When those feeling come by, how do u deal with it? Who would you turn to? Do they helped?

Im just so blank although I know nothing I can do, except pray and not to think anymore...

A month to remember

25 May 2009 - 20 June 2009 is the date where im attached to a pharmaceutical fact. This is it!



Bangi


By the name of the attachment,
"P-h-a-r-m-a-c-e-u-t-i-c-a-l a-t-t-a-c-h-m-e-n-t" = BORING

Well, well.. what did I get for this whole month?

From pharmaniaga:
Dari mana? Training ke? IMU? Mana tu? IMU = International Manchester United? Berapa lama kat sini? berapa lama lagi belajar? Mau tanya apa ya? Apa binatang yang paling kurang ajar? Apa bunga yang paling kat dunia ni? Ada pak we ke? Tak ada? Jangan tipu tau, tak baik menipu. Ada hati kat saya ke? Boleh saya datang meminang kat sabah? berapalah hantaran yang kamu mau? kenapa tak boleh dengan saya? Bila balik sabah lagi? boleh ajak keluar ke? Apa perasan kamu hari terakhir di sini? Sukakah di sini? Kenapa suka kat sini? Rindukah aku lepas ni? Aku rindu kamu boleh tak? Kenapa tak boleh?

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U all must be thinking im trying to brag here. but was true. U may think I flirt, but I swear I dint. All I did was being helpful in their work by reducing their OT as well as their income (Cos no OT income). Anywork from carrying pails of IPA and pellet to folding packaging boxes, I done all!!! It was damn fun! Lol~ Maybe what Mr Hiam said is true that they like ah moi. Whatever is the reason, they are really good friends of mine.

Through this attachment, beside getting all those jokes from them, building friendship as well as helping them to convey they frust to higher authorities as well as getting all I have learnt in pharmaceutics into life, this attachment had taught me alot about life.

Operators are considered the least level of people in a manufacturing company. Everyone take least attention on them, taking them as labourers only. But i tell u what, they are the engines of the company, and they know more than the executives! They are just the best people in these attachment.

From being an acquaintance only, to telling me secrets that no one else in the company knew (from their private business to their relationship problem). Cant guess they would tell me le... Must be thinking I was a kepoci le.. But surprisingly, they open up to me, and told me and tell and discuss their concern with me. To tell u the truth, some of them are VERY ambitious which they make BIG BUCK$ outside this confined compound. We even talked about religion, a sensitive issue in a peaceful environment beside understanding their work, and the machines :)

Im blessed with a great supervisor (better than Lauren's supervisor that makes u wanna burn her office down!) and mixed with people that are themselves. From them, u learn what true human being should be behaving. U know what is the difference of urban M and rural M. Thanks to UiTM students. They showed their colours. They only are great boaster and bragger. I really really PEKCHEK with THEM!

That is when I need this, which I have consumed a day after being Pekchek-ed by the UiTM students. I think I had a few cups of it.

40% ethanol + Sprite

So, here, I just wanna wish all my production mates (the operators - Pak Yah, Ahzam, Nasa, Zaidin, Nizam, Rizal, Padzil, Amran, Nordin, Mohd., Jai, Zul, Kak Yan, Kak Suzana, Kak Asmah En. Badrul, En. Amzan, Kak Yani, Liza, Kak Nurul, Mas, Kak finaz, Kak Ida, Kak Lin, Kak Zaiton, En. Kamal, Kak Wati, Kak Ida, Kak Ina, Kak Ani and ALL OTHERS!) all the very very best to you all and Project 55 oh :wink. Ill miss u all, starting now already. I have really enjoyed u all.

To UiTM students, please... DIE AWAY!~ The further the better.

P/S: Thanks Kak Zaitun, u open up my mind abit about life being single, and being married.

A nite to remember..I finally met him!

13 June is an ordinary date cos there is yet no friends that are celebrating their brithday on this date, yet 13 June 2009 is a day that ill NEVER forget in my whole life! Because... I met him.. Yet, he made me cry in public.

I and popo were bored staying at home, and finally we made our decision to follow purple to Fish Leong's concert. 2 weeks ago, I was told that my idol, Michael Wong was invited as a guest for Fish's concert. I am fond of Malaysian singers, yet, ehehe... im "kiam" enough to take out money to buy Fish's tickets. Yet, Im michael's fan. When I knew that Michael is invited, I have a flash of urge to get a ticket, but somehow, I dint..cos i gave myself a reason that it is not Michael's concert.

We went there an hour earlier. Is lucky enough that the concert is at Putra stadium and not Merdeka stadium. Thus, we can just walk our way there. I and popo decided if we cant hear or see the concert ouside the stadium, we will just walk home. We just take it as an exercise.

Fish's fans were asked to dress in blue, while me and popo coincidently dressed in red. And when we were asked why we are in red, we answer: we came for Michael! Wuahahaha...

Purple and the rest went into the stadium, just in time. I and popo on the other hand, try to get the best place to see if we can peep into the stadium. Doors locked, guards at every exit, every windows are so well protected and noise proof. Arghhh....

Anyhow, we walk and walked, i gulped down 2 ice-creams, finally, found the best spot! Is a place where guards see the concert through a tv, and can hear Fish sing her fabulous songs! We are different from the guards, cos we are 3 feet away from him. He is inside the stadium, while we watched from outside. Lucky enough also that a few windows are not strongly locked there. So, we watched from the tinted glass panes and try to catch as much as we can to hear Fish's voice.

We were sitting there for 1.5 hours before popo decide to try out luck waiting for people that wanna leave the concert earlier. And guess wat, I tell you guys... U should ALWAYS bring popo to a concert especially you dint buy the tickets. Why? Cos she dare to ask from every people that come out from the exit door! And we actually got a ticket worth RM158 from a mother-son couple! The concert only started 1.5hours out of 4 hours concert!

When we went in... the sitting was so great! We were sitted in the middle, 2 rows from the front of the upper seats!

However, the time that I longed for tonight, really come true in front of my eyes! Michael came out the stage and sang "zhang xin" with Fish. Michael was is Red pants and black t-shirts! So tally with how I wore ah..red t-shirt with black pants! *drool and drool* *more drools*

Michael sang his new cantonese song and was only supposed to sang those 2 songs. But yet, this what wat he said that made my tears fell:

"I was supposed to sing the 2 songs only. Yet, the head of galaxy, ARCHIE, told me that everyone hopes to hear me sing FAIRYTALE tonight. I never expect that this song has changes many people including me and my love ones when I was writting the song. And everyone, FAIRYTALE".

*tears fell*

This 2 words just ring my head bell of my Archie. Fairytale album was my first gift from Archie.

Fairytale, is a song that I never dare to listen or sing in K-box. But tonight, with my idol, Michael, the words Archie and Fairytale. I sang it with tears, never ceased from the very first note to the last clapping from the audience.

Why when i wanted to walk away from the past, yet, after a few months, the feeling of falling into the pit come back again? Why was i reminded of him when I just wanna stop remembering him? Why when i get reminded, I just keep thinking is a hint or something from God, asking me not to forget him?

Im troubled.. Dear God, please hear my prayers.