Another sleepless night

Tonight should be a happy night, because Ive entangle 2 friends of mine, on their doubts about the respective relationship.

Yet, teardrops on my laptop happen again. Is for my best buddy.

I just felt so lost for not being there with her.

Thinking what we have gone through as individual or have gone through together, it just makes my tears cant stop rolling down, missing the moments we share together.

Too much. From the moment when we enrol to a school which every single individual in hometown looked down on the students there, to both making names for the school in a good way. From the moment when we start to change role, from you being the prospective head prefect, to me, getting the post, we still strive together to prove others that we can do it. We can even do better than students in a more famous school. Then, to a co-ed school, where we met our very first man in life, and sharing all the details and sms together. As well as being the leader of the students, we are the biggest devil leading the students to bring the handphone to school, and sleeps during biology class.

You have been a great competitor to me. You also have been a great teacher to me. Without we realising, time have to separate us from this strong combination.

Maybe we really cant stand strong without each other, but I also know that both of us have been trying so hard to move along life. Tears and more tears were shed for people who we care so much. There were just times when we couldnt be strong for ourselves. There are just times, when we hope we can be like before, sleeping beside each other in the biology class when the teacher is teaching, but we still getting good grades.

Reality may have been cruel to us. But with the strength you have given me previously, I will continue to preservere and make everyone beside me see how you have shaped me. How what we have gone through together will bring us to life we always dreamt for.

I know, we are normal girls, like any other girls, just hope that there is someone that really appreciate what we have given out to him, and get what should we be getting in return. Reality have shown that is not the time for both of us yet, so, Marchy, we have to wait upon that day together ok?

Is just like how we waited for our PMR and SPM result. Which turn out that what we have sacrifice returns joy that is so undescribable. We almost beat the best school! Our results are as good as the top student in the best school!

All what we have gone through today, will be soon be pay off.. We just have to wait patiently.

I miss you and I love you.

To all people whom I consider friends.

I was trying to sleep early to change my biological clock to a more normal one. Yet, when I think my biological clock have been very obedient, by giving me a dose of anesthesia at 8pm tonight, I was wrong. I was again once waken up at this hour, because of a nightmare.

The very first question that popped into my mind will be what if im going to die today, how would I tell my friends, which I consider them to be the 2nd person that matters to me, that I love them so much. You may say Im sarcatic or thinking too much, but I really have a bad feeling after I woke up.


To Marchy: U matter most to me. U know more than any other people in my life, including my own parents. I know life have been easier in the past, but yet, with you, life have been lot more lighter today. Now, distance have to separate us, but we know that deep down inside the heart, we couldnt live without each other. Im so glad that God has given me the best buddy I ever know, someone that willing to carry the burden of life with me, as well as I carry for her. I love you, Marchy, and please, be strong for me.

To May: Life have been so much busier when we are about to graduate, until sometime we felt we barely know what each other are upto. Start to doubt whether the beliefs in us are correct. Start to doubt the friendship built all these years. But deep down again, we know that we still have each other, no matter how hard life has been, no matter where we are. And that clears all doubts. I love you, May, please again, make sure you are happy for who you are.

To Octopy: You always been my model of strength, because I see how you fell and how you stood up. You are always there to put a smile in our faces with your blog, with your smiles. You gave people a very comfortable feeling being with you. Yet, I really hope the smiles are from the bottom of your heart. And Ill carry you when you needed someone to make you stand. I love you.

To Baby: Life will not be easy eventhough you found the man of your life. There are many obstacles to be faced in future, but we are really happy for you that you found him. We are all glad that you have changed to someone that really considerate and enjoying life. We really wanted to be there for your big day and Im praying hard that my parents will allow me to go. All we want is to share the joy with you. His "I love you" might be sweeter than mine, but yet, that is from the bottom of my heart oh.

To Stephy: You also have pose a strong figure in me. Is really really happy to see you getting up again and live on happily. I promise myself to take you as my role model. I love you.

To Polar bear: which I know you unlikely wil be reading this because you are too indulge with your work and shapping. I bet you even have this link. :P Nevertheless, I really hope next year, and years ahead after graduation, I can be sharing more time with you. Please start praying hard for me too.. I love you.

To aanhry: I dunno whether you'll be still reading this blog or not. But I still read yours. In the past, there is a feeling of uneasiness everytime meeting you. But now, I know you are NEVER the person to be blame. I really blessed knowing you. I really hope I can meet you and hang out together. Please... I promise you girl,you will soon found the person that really matters to you. Ill have to check my schedule to confirm you the time we go out together with KenT,k? I know you have car~ I miss and luv you, Aanhry.

To Sustagen: Dare to love, and dare to be hurt. There is no definition of love. There is only feeling of love. Im so glad that what had happened to you, make you grow. Grow to someone that willing to fall and get up again. No longer in your protection bubble again. But heart aches whenever hearing your tears came rolling down for that individual. I wish I can give you more of my bravery to love someone. I wish he knew your heart for him.. I also wish that he know what he is doing to you. I will be still on your side no matter what the ending would be. But for the time being, I foresee is a happy ending. Whether you want to preserve this ending or not, is up to you how to handle it. Face it with courage.

To Purple: I know you have evolve to someone that matters so much to me. Even silence between us, do not longer make us felt strange. This is the sign of trust and strong friendship between us. You taught me how to be strong and still. No matter what happen in future, you will always find my footprints in the sand.

To Nicolesukiboys: I can only thank you for not forgetting me in your prayers although life wasnt easy for you either. You and the prayers meant so much so much for me. I really miss the time we were in aus. I really really looking forward in spending time with you. Thank you for being there for me. I can only continue praying that God will continue showing us the right path.

To TT: I can finally start to see some signs of you smilling deep down from the heart. Really happy to see that coming. I know you have been working hard for it, so hard that I knew you do not know how to put into words with me. I hope you will hang in there, for someone, which I think is popping to be more important in your life. :)

To Sou Sou: I can only wish life would be easy for you either. Thank you for being there when i need "professional advice". Thank you for making me feeling accompanied.

To Shell: It was really really surprise what you have told me. What you have shared with me. What have you done to keep this candle of mine lighting, although it may not be as shiny as ever, but it still burning. All are locked into this little heart of the candle. I will keep it burning, but there are times when the light is being blown by the wind, shaking the vission. But i know, you guys are out there, to protect this little light of mine. I know.

To Winne the Pooh: Thank you for making my own sweet dream disappear. I really appreciate that. Because if it wasnt for that, I wouldnt be strong until now. You matter so much to me. You have also pour out so much just for me. You always have a place in my heart.

St Cecilian: People. You all have changed me so much. You all gave me hope. You all taught me how to fight. You all taught me how to preservere in this world when people looking down on you. You all have taught me what is the meaning of winning, not the material, but the hearts of people. You all matters so much to me. Every single one of you have shaped who am I today. Thank you.

St Marians: You all taught me how to love, how to fall once again, and taught me who friends are really are. You all gave me so much memories until now that I use them to be strong for life. I know time and distance may make you all think Ive changed, but seriously NO. You all matter so much to me like in the old days. I really hope the relationships that we have built together will not die out with time. You all matters to me.

IMUians: 4 years is not a short period. Is not a long period either. You all have taught me what Kiasu and Kiasi meant. But again, you all have taught me to be stronger, strong for people who loved me, as well as people whom I love. A year left to another huge separation. I am brushing off the feeling now because i really dont wanna face it. But I promise you all, this 4 years will always in my bibliography forever.

To Archie: I love you, I have always love you. I just wish upon the star that one day you have changed to a person whom I really really knew and once loved.

The song above is for every single of you, a sing out from my heart, and my promises to you all. God bless you all...

Numb and dumb.

Recently, Ive been listening to this song again and again.

I think it sings out the feeling in me, as the main actress inside.

I always think Ive moved out from the past. But without me realising, I was actually still inside the pit, or all these while I was the one not admitting im still inside?

Recently, I miss him even more although I know I shouldnt be. I know it is all ended. Ended totally. But I, just suddenly miss him so much.

Tears came rolling over and over again. sleepless nights came about again. Everyday, I open my eyes, there is this feeling of missing him so badly, but I tried so hard to brush it away. Prayers are the daily routine for me to keep me strong and still.

I can sense there are a few guy friends that was hinting me about going with me, but I know, Im not ready yet and they are not the ones. I am very certain with this.

But yet, when tears rolled down, and when heart aches again, this time, I found no one I can turn to. No one at all. For my jimuis, they have things to be busy with, their own life, and even their own love life have to struggle. For my best buddies, I dont want to share anymore because I really dont want them to think I have feelings for them. For those whom I have sent wrong signals[whether I have, or you were just thinking I had], Mr Rub Shoulders and Went, I am sorry to you all.

People always say that there will be always someone there for each and everyone, but i guess, there is just no one for me.

There are just too many thgs happen in life that makes me limping to go on with this life. Tears will continue to roll down with a smile on the face. I will continue wearing this mask of mine until HE turns out for me.

But i think that day is not gonna be here for me, a simple looking girl, with nothing special compare to other girls, except with a big appetite for food. Never.

Love changes...

You and me.

It makes you melt in heart when it came along,

But it hurts more than a cut in flesh when it went away.

It makes you weak in legs when it is there,

But it strengthens you when it went away, IF and only IF you can keep positive.

It makes you believe in yourself when it is there,

But you lost yourself when it went away.

It gives you courage to face everything to make it sustain,

But you trembles when it had to go away.

It makes you smile when you are sad but in love,

But you couldnt cry when you are sad but alone.

It changes you without you realising,

But people around you realised it.

It makes you want to stay in that position forever,

Yet, that is not the case if it is not meant for you.

Dear Marchy,
I know time and distance has changed both of us, in the perception of love. We used to know what we are doing is correct or wrong. We used to know whom we love, and whom they love us. We used to be tagged as girls of courage. We pose a strong figure in everyone's eyes.

I know, this is not we want in other people's mind about us. Yet, we have to accept that.
We have to accept what people sees in us, and make use of it to build the life that we want.

MSN and phone have distanced us without us knowing, yet, both of us also, because of this, are forced to be strong for ourselves when just NO ONE beside us can be strong for us, while we have to be strong for others.

Being alone after a journey of relationship, is never an easy period. I dont want to blame it on anybody, but it seems that our lives is never calm and in the way we expected. I also do not know how to explain why both of us are chosen to go through so many of the things, which girls of our age DO NOT have to go through. I really dunno, and if I am given a chance to choose, I dont want to be a girl whom everyone thinks im strong enough for EVERYTHING.

I know, both of us are lost and tired. Really exhausted looking at the life we used to have. Reflecting the time when we were still together, working hard for the life we want, working hard to maintain a relationship that everyone thinks will fail, but we chose to believe our partners. We are just too tired in loving someone else, beside ourselves.

Maybe of what happened, had made you really undecided of what you want and changed you. Seriously you and I need a break from all these. We really do not deserve these. We are like any other girls, willing to be loved by people we loved. We just have to wait.

When you have found the person which you claimed you love, why did you ever let him go because of others saying that u have changed? Why do what others think affect what you want in life? Eventually, the person who gonna live with him, is YOU, and not them.

I do not dare to encourage you to accept Mr Russian, because I do not know him, and I do not know how much you love him. But, Dare to Love, Dare to be hurt. That's the rule of the game.

If you are still lost now, stop pouring your love for any other guy, but find back who you are, and what kind of guy you want in your life. Be sure what you want in life, and that will guide you to it.

I really wanted to be there with you. Because there are times too when I really wish to just cry beside you without saying anything else. But I know is not possible for the time being. But I know, both of us gonna be stronger for each other and for ourselves because of these. There are still many beautiful things to be observed besides all the obstacles we have to go through.

I will always be there for you to support you, because I know you know what your limits are and I am certain that you know what you yourself is upto. For the time being, start thinking positive. We really have to move on with life. Achieve what we wish to have before and made in our schooling days.

Girl, be strong...

Disobedient eyes...

Tonight, eyes betrayed me.

So much promises Ive done to myself, yet, is this time of the year, that I give myself an excuse to express what I really felt inside >>>> Tired, exhausted and hurt.

People often thinks Im afraid of nothing. NOTHING. Strong in the inside, hard as diamond outside, although there are some air in the head everyday meeting me.

Sometime, Im tired to think of all negative things happen in life. Im fed up with myself of keep motivating myself to walk on this life with courage and smile.

Sometime, I even felt, I have to hide my tears in order to be strong for others.

Sometime, I felt I dont want to show it out, because I know there is no point of doing it, because for others, I am strong.

Sometime, I felt my tears are just cheap longkang water, because no matter how it is shed, no one will appreciate it, no one would understand, no one would know how to wipe them from my face forever.

They do have a point. Because the tears shedded, can only be controlled by the individual herself.

But this time of the year, I think I do have an excuse of taking my own time to heal the hurt Ive been going on in my life. Just too much sorrow, that I have forgotten many beautiful things that happen in my life. Because the beautiful things just happened in the past.

Great things happen now, have to happen non-stop for a few years to really cover up whatever things that happen in the past.

But for this time, I needed a break, from being strong for anyone else, but myself.

I know, it gonna be hard because memories start to appear again although everytime, I bravely sweap them away.

I assure myself with lotsa things happen around me, that decision made is the best. That everything is perfectly alright.

But tonight, eyes betrayed me. Betrayed what had I believed in myself.

But im just exhausted. Is just a girl, that everyone thinks she is strong, felt lost and tired...

It happens again.

It just happen again although I tried hard to control. But it just no use controlling. Tears roll.

Tears just rolls when the song of Mayday hit me while reading what Purple had write in her elective report, the conclusion part.

" It was a very memorable trip, I would say. I gain more than I ever expected. We get closer to each other after this trip especially after mount Kinabalu climbing. We worked on hard and hold hand in hand to reach till the peak. The best thing that I gained is determination and motivation to reach till your goal. When you have decided something, you have to hold on strong to reach there even when you feel so tired and wanted to give up. However, always remember that there are always friends by your side that motivate you to move on. They will always be there to encourage you and help you to reach your goal.

It is just like our life in Bpharm course. It is never easy for us to reach and hold on until we graduate. There is always too much to study with too much pressure, either from ourselves, from parents or lecturers. However, everytime we will motivate each other not to give up no matter how. Eventhough we feel stress out and restless at times, the determination in us, motivates ourselves as well as people around us to strive on strong in Bpharm.

As souvenirs, we back to KL not only with sunburn and muscle aches but also great memories that will stay in us forever, that will hold us no matter how far we are distanced. That is the priceless souvenirs that anyone could ever get.

If someone ever asks me, will I visit Sabah again? The answer is a definitely a yes. It was the most enjoyable trip I have ever been and it will be an unforgettable memory for me, forever and ever."

* Have been edited to not to make it like a report*

I just couldnt stop my tears from falling tears. To see how the trip that I have been trying hard to pull everyone together as well as giving ppl most unforgetable memories, which I thought, it was all thrown into the drain, turn out to be something that still gives ppl that have joined the trip, a spark in their life whenever think back the trip.

Purple, you said Ive made you cry with my blog entitled: To PURPLE, I think this report of yours, made me cry. Made me misses you so much. Made me regreted I dint take many photos with you all. Reminded me of people that have left your life, let them leave cos the really good ones will stay on forever.

Terrorist have asked me to write an article for this trip, instead of making it like a report, I think I will write in my point of view. It will totally from me, Grace. And with you all great ones that make my life fuller!

really blank

What do I think now?
I have no idea.
For 2 weeks already since I slept deeply.
I havent been sleeping well these few days, on'ing my drama's 24 hours/day, sampai computer also show blue screne!

I know I have to be strong to counter all those negative feelings inside me.
From dunno how to start my 2-weeks oral presentation, to eating at very odd hours while grumbling bout my weight that terrifies operators in Pharmaniaga,
From getting money for my convo mag to an activity that I wanna make it happen,
From being clear with what I have to do to know what I wanna blog,
I think.... I have no idea what im blogging now.
Just because Im B-L-A-N-K now.

I just dunno what my heart wanna say and do.
All I want to do is sleep.
And eat.
And crap.

I know there are more people out there, which are more in need than I do,
But I dunno where my strength and drive to work.

People say Im strong. People say I should fear of nothing.
Wuahahahahahaha.... What a joke. I wonder what makes them think so.
A strong person is always an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's the reason why they say im strong?