Is the same feeling again...

I never would have think ive to write into this blog again, exactly how it feels a few years back, exactly the same feeling when i have to sort of breakup with my first sweetheart. Basically, i would have to admit, perhaps, i have fallen in love with this guy, though at times, i pretty bengang with him, and now, i realised, i do have a strong feeling for him afterall, Vince.

I used to think i have to babysit him, but afterall, i realised perhaps, me myself have to be babysat by him too. I used to think im strong enough to tell everyone that IM PERFECTLY FINE without him, but during the past 2 months, and with him giving me such a shock and fright yesterday, I would say, afterall that had happened, the one that stays in my heart, was still him.

He broke me a news yesterday, which really have torn me into pieces though i kinda expected it before he drop the bombshell. He has to leave this place, to go back home for people that needed him most currently.

I never ever blamed him for the decision he made, because i understood the responsibility of a child, it is not simply childish or being parents' pet, it is just the thing to do to be filial, especially as the eldest son. To be honest, if i were to be in his shoes, i would have to do the same decision.

The problem is because i was a girl, that fell in love with a guy, that both parties, maybe both, refuse to admit it. I totally went blank with my future, and totally went lost. I know miracles might happen that one fine day, things might go what i wanted to be, but based on past experience, miracles (except my sickness at chilbirth), miracles never happened to me. And because of that, i chose not to believe in miracles, but to stand up strong for myself in every way.

The thing i wanted was not him telling me what i wanted to hear, because i know egoness + senses, would have tell him or me, this is not the right time. But i felt, both of us had a feeling, we really dont want to loose this but afraid that the counterpart would have give in without ourselves knowing it. All i wanted, is not to be distanced from him.

Friendship, i believe is also made in heaven because not ALL people you can be real, can show who you are, and be who you are, and most importantly, comfortable in his presence.

I really hated how this feel, and to be honest, i would say, i have fallen in love again, and fear how it will end based on how it is now.

Will he be brave enough to forget the past, and give some hope that distance does not matter at all? Will he be brave enough to know that im not that strong afterall? Will he be brave enough to know that i doesnt need much attention as other girls might need? In short, will he be brave enough to admit he still have feelings for me?

Is just 14 days left. 1st night gone with cries into bed. Tonight, it will be the same. Im in love. Im scared. Im blank. and i just dont know how to make myself better...