I lost my way..

Sem started. Work coming. And more conflicts coming up, friends, group members and within myself..

There's a whole bunch of papers to be read. Whole bunch of work to be done as soon as possible before cracking brain for the mid terms coming up. Whole bunch of plans to go - For next sem's electives, for the year-end trip with Ji Muis and also an individual schedule to finish all the work to be done..

I hardly can breath. The only time I can breath is when i stop and there's where the past crawling back to me. There were bad and good memories with family, friends and him.

It does strike me always why do I have to live? For others or for myself? Why do I have to work so hard and I couldnt enjoy much of my life now? Am I being used by others? Was I too naive to the whole new world in front of me?

Sometimes, or more precisely, mostly, what we expect, never comes your way. It always never work for me.

Yes, have been really ignoring all the bad things but see things from other side of the view. At least, am avoiding from thinking things that make me moody and sad.

Listening to instrumental musics now with a whole pile of journals to be read in front of me, I suddenly felt lost. Im rushing and rushing all my works, and I somehow felt, I have really left alot behind. I dont have a time to spare to really to relax my mind from this world.

Is this part of growing up? Now, i prefer when I was a kid, where I use to command my little brother to take water for me from the kitchen when Im busy with my looney tunes cartoons. In return, I have to hand him the TV controller after my cartoon is finish. I remember when there are times where he played my dolls and I played his soldiers, each torturing each's dolls. Making big bubbles when our maid is cleaning the balcony. Do house chores together and of course always fight because of it. Thought of the day when he made me quarrel and lost my voice for my Grade 8 piano exam the very next day! I passed my exams, but it again, it dint hit my own goal, a distinction.

Life as a kid were so much fun. We pull hairs, we point fingers, we poke each other and yet, after a day, we were hugging and playing together again. There were no hidden fear, no hidden jealousy, no hidden motives.

I once being told that: Give more and expect less in order to be happy.

I am giving alot and expecting less, but yet, sometime, I felt I am no one in the enormous world. Happiness? Is harder as I grow. Is harder than letting a camel through the eye of the needle.

Sometimes, fantasy helps alot. Imagine myself in UK, celebrating christmas with a huge present in front of me and the christmas pudding. Snowing. A huge turkey meal with chocolate cake for dessert beside the pudding. With carols and santa showing up once awhile. The person you wanna be with sitting beside you and looks at you once awhile. Admiring the snow and the stars.

Or maybe walking beside a beach, when the sun is almost set, with a huge gelato ice cream in your hand and you trying to not to shiver cos of the breeze and the ice cream.. Lying at the sand, with no mosquitoes and watch the moon coming out. Listen to your favourite mp3 song, Canon in D and spirited away.

I only hope people around me are happy, so ill be happy too...